One Month

What I've learned in the past 31 days:

• The moon taunts me as I lay in my bed watching the clock tick the minutes away. Yet the same moon calms me as I sit outside on the porch swing in the darkness.
• Middle of the night TV is nothing but infomercials for exercise programs, diet plans and cooking appliances. If I wasn't so exhausted I'd find some humorous connection in that.
• Cleaning and organizing every nook and cranny in the house is obviously me just trying to find control in an out of control situation. But it helps to at least accomplish something.
• When you feel like you can't stop crying it's because there are so many tears built up inside you the dam has finally burst and all you can do is hold on tight and let the tears bust through and flow out.
• Telling me a lie does not lessen or take my pain away. It increases it exponentially.
• When actions and words don't match, the actions are the most meaningful.
• "You live in the South, let people help you" is just a kind way of saying "Quit being so stubborn and let your friends be your friends!"
• My friends have been my lifeline this past month. They have been willing to sit and hug me, listen to me, not judge me, offer advice or just shut up as needed. 
• I really miss my mom. But I am totally impressed by the way my dad has been there for me in her place.
• Decisions, discussions and actions based on emotions rarely work out well.
• When I lash out it's because I'm afraid. 
• Decisions, discussions and actions based in fear rarely work out well either.
• Cucumber slices do not decrease puffiness in your eyes. But they feel cool against your eyes and are actually quite soothing.
• Not eating and not sleeping will eventually catch up with you. I have wonderful students in my classes who not only catch me as it finally catches up and I start to pass out from dizziness, but who will hand me a power bar and tell the rest of the class to just keep going.
• My job is one where I am constantly giving to others. I just don't have it in me to give right now.
• Anxiety is real and it's scary.
• The places your mind can take you in the throes of anxiety and depression are even scarier.
• It's very easy to slide downhill. It's very easy to stay down. It takes work and commitment to climb your way back up. 
• I may be very lost right now, but I have not forgotten who I am.

Purging the Pain

I took advantage of a unique opportunity tonight and drove into Memphis to attend a Lululemon-sponsored yoga class on the rooftop of the Peabody Hotel.

I didn't tell anyone I was going. I didn't think I actually would. I'm not doing well in big crowds lately. Truth be told I'm not doing well anywhere lately. In fact as I lay around the house this afternoon it was kid #2 who said "oh just go you know this is something you'll think is cool." And as I walked out the door he hollered "and don't turn the car around and come back!"

Damn, my 15-year-old is being forced to become wise beyond his years.

As I pulled into the city parking garage I received a phone call. It was a call I'm always hoping and waiting for, yet when I hung up I felt nothing but the blanket of sadness envelope me again. But I'm already parked so I might as well walk over to the hotel to at least check it out.

Memphis skyline at sunset

The class began as the sun was setting. Almost 100 local yogi's with their mats placed in a circle moving and breathing with an amazing view of the city and the Mississippi River. The Memphis air, as always, is humid but there's a nice breeze blowing off the river. I actually hear birds chirping, something I've never noticed from the noisy streets below. Although the class was accompanied by cool blues music from a DJ, I could also hear live music wafting up from Beale Street below.

I should have been in heaven. I'm not. I'm in hell.

It's a hell I never expected. A hell I never wanted. A hell people tell me won't last forever. Right now I can't believe that. I feel like I'm going to suffocate. My chest hurts and I'm nauseous. Classic symptoms of a heart attack. But this isn't a heart attack. It's a broken heart.

And it's real. And I feel like I might die.

I now understand how cutters can cut themselves. It has nothing to do with the act of taking a razor blade to flesh and drawing blood to inflict external pain. Rather it's to release the internal pain that is so deep inside it has taken over your body and your soul. You become desperate for a way to get it out. Tears don't help. Exercise, vomiting, purging don't help. The pain is there and it is slowly killing you.  You don't know how to make it leave.

My yoga mat has always been a space of solace for me. Not lately. I've avoided it because any time I step foot on the mat, I fall apart. And I do that enough involuntarily now that I'm sure not going to sign up for it. I've done OK while teaching my classes, only a few have noticed when I need to take a moment and swallow back tears. But when it's just me alone with myself, I break down. But I'm here on the roof and I'm going to practice along with all these other smiling yogis.

I'm doing OK at first. I was moving, I was breathing, I was doing as I was told. But as my hips became looser, my second chakra begins to open. The second chakra, known as Svadhisthana, is located in the hips, lower back, reproductive organs of the body. It is associated with water and the place where, especially women, store their emotions. I'm flowing through the practice yet now I'm crying.

I try to control the sobbing and pretend I'm wiping sweat as I try to wipe away the tears. But I can't stop. The pain is too much. I finally drop to child's pose and for a minute I wonder what others think as they see my back heave with each sob. I can't think about it for long because once again I feel like I'm going to suffocate. My chest is hurting. The physical pain is too much, I've got to get out of here.

As we lay back in savasana the tears are freely flowing down my face and I really can't breathe now. I'm trying to slow down and deepen my breath but I can't. The night sky feels like it's laying heavy on my chest.  I have to get off this roof now. I'll jump off if I have to.

Just as I moved to get up, the woman next to me reached over and held my hand. This was a woman I only see once per year at yoga events, who knows nothing of what my pain is, yet she held my hand and she held tight. She wouldn't let go as I tried to pull and run away. Eventually as I lay atop the city, I gazed at the moon and slowed my breathing and stopped my tears. The sky became more open, lighter, not as suffocating. For a brief moment I was able to let go and relax.

I see now I needed to be at that class tonight. If for no other reason it got me to the place I was ready to sit and write again. These words were going through my head as I downdogged and back bended.

It is a small piece of the pain ready to escape.

Thoughts & Tears For Colorado

My heart has been heavy all day with the news of the Colorado shooting at the midnight showing of the new Batman movie. I don't live in Colorado and I don't know anyone involved, but still I grieve along with so many others.

At 11pm last night I said goodbye to my three teen boys as they headed out to our local midnight Batman showing. I've never seen teen boys so excited, they were practically pacing the house all night watching the clock. I gave them my usual instructions - have fun and be careful. I knew I wouldn't be waiting up for them so I told them be sure to wake me when they got home.

After all, what could possibly happen in a movie theater only ten minutes from my house?

And then this morning I woke up to the news out of Colorado. My first thought was how many other moms waved goodbye to their kids last night with the same thought. What could possibly go wrong? Just wake me and let me know you're home.

There but for the grace of God go I.

It's been hard to avoid the news and analysts today. All the talk over whose fault this was - politicians, gun control, Hollywood, society. No. This was the evil work of a mad man pure and simple.

And I can't imagine that the grieving mothers tonight give one hoot about political parties. They just want their child to walk through that door and say "Mom, I'm home."

Thank You Starbucks!

As of tonight I don't care if anyone ever again calls me a Starbucks junkie or an iPhone addict. Tonight Starbucks and the iPhone saved my kid from starvation!

OK, he probably wouldn't have starved, but still, he was hungry.

Kid 2 left Atlanta today after a week away at rugby camp, If everything went according to plan, he would be dropped off at the Atlanta airport, I would finish work here in Memphis, zip over the airport to pick him up and then we'd go have dinner somewhere. 

Except his flight was delayed by 20 minutes. And then delayed an hour. And then cancelled. And then back on but delayed 90 minutes. And then delayed indefinitely. And then... you see where this is going right?

I told him, no worries, I'm sitting in the Memphis airport and I'll sit here all night until you get in.

"But, I'm starving," he said.

So go get something to eat. You have money left right?

"No. I've got like $2 that's it."

You only have $2 with you? What were you thinking travelling with just $2 cash?

Oh come on, he's 15 years old. He was thinking mom will buy dinner when I land in Memphis. And there have been times I have recklessly travelled with not much more than $2 in my pocket. Sorry, kid, you're going to have to have a growling stomach until you land.

After yet another hour or so of delays, Kid 2 calls me again.

"Hey, if I download the Starbucks app on my iPhone can't I use your account and buy something here?"

Hmmm, my little computer hacker might just be on to something!

 

Go for it, try it! While he downloaded the Starbucks app I reloaded some more money on to it from my end. I texted him my user name but had no idea what my password was.

Within a matter of minutes, called back. He had food and drink in hand! 

So thanks to Starbucks and a hungry but tech savvy kid, his five hour delay was made at least a little more comfortable. 

Now I just have to remember to change the password on my Starbucks mobile app before he has sudden hunger attacks here at home too.

Not Sure If I'm Alice or The Mad Hatter

Sunday Supper - Stuffed Zucchini

I grew up eating my Nana's stuffed peppers so when I saw this recipe for stuffed zucchini I was definitely intrigued, especially since zucchini is one of the few vegetables everyone in my house will eat without complaining.

Bell Squash

But, since I can't leave well enough alone, I decided to make a healthier version of stuffed zucchini. My first dilemma though was it was going to be a total pain in the a** to stuff cut rounds of zucchini. Then on a trip to the farmers market this weekend I discovered these little beauties - the farmer called them Bell Squash - but really they are just bell shaped zucchinis! Perfect to just cut the tops off and stuff!

I also decided to make two versions of the recipe - a healthier meat version for the kids and a vegetarian version for myself.

I used a spoon to scoop out the zucchini bells
leaving a flat bottom. The insides were used
to bulk up the filling.

The most obvious way to make the meat version healthier is to cut out how much ground beef I used. I read through the recipe twice to figure out what she did with all the zucchini meat she cut out of the zucchinis. Why would you be wasteful and not use it? So I cut the amount of ground beef in half and used the extra zucchini meat to help bulk up the stuffing.

Also, two cups of shredded mozzarella cheese? No. I used one cup of a lower fat colby jack blend - less cheese but more taste.

For my vegetarian version, I skipped the 90% lean ground beef altogether and instead used an equal amount of pre-cooked quinoa. I also chopped up some asparagus I had in the refrigerator that needed used.  Next time I think I'll also add in some diced cauliflower. Yes, I realize the cheese is the only thing keeping these from being vegan. I'm OK with that.

For some reason the little kids liked the
boat shaped stuffed zucchini more than
the round ones. I think they just
liked saying they were eating zucchini boats.

I had a lot more stuffing than I anticipated so I pulled a couple regular zucchini out of the refrigerator and sliced them in half, scooped them with a spoon and made little boat shapes out of them to stuff. I didn't pre-cook the zucchini because I didn't want it to get soft or squishy. Mine only needed 15 minutes to cook ( everything in the stuffing is cooked so really you just need to heat the zucchini through).

Of course the test comes when I call the kids to the table. And the answer is...
Yes - they loved them. OK, maybe love is a little strong. But all six kids ate them and no one complained! That is a successful recipe in my house!  I served them with a salad and cup up watermelon (also from the farmers market) - a perfect summer meal.

Vegan option on the left. Meat option on
the right.

Stuffed Zucchini


Using a bit of olive oil, saute diced onion, green pepper and minced garlic. Add in diced asparagus or any other vegetable you choose. With just a minute or so left, add in the zucchini meat to heat through. Remove from heat and place in a bowl.

Brown extra lean ground beef. Drain grease.  Allow to cool slightly before adding to vegetable mixture. ( To make this vegetarian use quinoa instead of beef)

Add in a half jar of marinara sauce and a 1/2 cup shredded cheese. Stir all together.

Scoop into zucchini bells or boats. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes. Top with a dash more cheese and heat until cheese is melted.

Enjoy!

The Apples Don't Fall Far From The Tree

Tonight as the sun was setting I sat on the front porch swing with my two girls; kid #4, who just turned 11, and kid #6 who will be 7 next week. Although they are both little minnie me's, the 11 year old is almost an exact duplicate of me.

This isn't always a good thing. The eye rolling, drama, competitiveness and mean girl tendencies are all too familiar to me. She has to be in charge of everyone and everything - and if you've read this blog for any time at all you know she gets that from her momma.

Tonight she was still excitedly playing with her iTouch that she got for her birthday. She wanted to play me a song she discovered. Well, not only was it not a new song, but it was a song I knew all the words to and used to sing out loud all the time.

At first she was surprised I knew all the words. Then the three of us sat on the swing together and sang the song. And then we sang it again.

I guess our neighbors thought we were nuts. I don't care.  Me and the girls were singing and putting flowers in our hair.