Monday, September 10, 2012

When Sleep Won't Come & The Nightmares Won't Stop

I'm so tired. Exhausted. Drained.  My eyes burn, my head hurts and my body is weary.  Yet I'm afraid to try and go to sleep.

I've tried all the tricks for a restful nights sleep; warm tea, a hot bath, exercise, reading, darkening the room, lowering the temperature. Nothing works. My brain is on overdrive right now and it won't shut down.

My body needs the rest, and once I lay my head down I will fall asleep. I'll probably stay asleep for about four hours. That probably doesn't sound like much, but it's much more than I've averaged lately. The problem is at hour four I'll wake up with a bad dream, some of my dreams even qualify as outright nightmares. Last week I called out in my dream and my 17-year-old came in my room to wake me up and be sure I was OK. How horribly sweet and horribly sad.

I don't need Freud or a psychologist to analyze my dreams. They are pretty obvious. I'm in a place in life I never saw coming, never expected and never wanted. I'm scared and uncertain of my future. I'm scared and uncertain of my children's future. Certain parts of my life are completely out of my control right now, and for a controlling person like me that is hard to handle.

As I walk the house and check on my sleeping kids at night I know logically we are safe. The locks are secure and I've added deadbolts to the doors. I've got two big dogs sleeping soundly, yet ready to sound ferocious at the first unusual noise. The danger though isn't in the form of a boogey man, but rather in the unknown.

In a strange twist to my insomnia and nightly nightmare dilemma, last night I finally dreamed about my mom who died about a year and a half ago. I've been stomping my feet since she died pissed off that she hasn't visited me in my dreams or in my waking moments. Finally, last night, in the middle of what was one of those dreams that qualifies as a nightmare, she finally came to me. What she told me in my dream has been in my head all day. Did she say what was the truth of the future? Or did she tell me what is already in my subconscious? I guess only time will tell. I do remember even in my dream being grateful for the opportunity to talk to my mom again. I only wish our conversation had been about a more pleasant topic. I realized as I awoke from my dream I was crying real tears onto my pillow. The tears were for my nightmare, my current situation and for my mom.

"The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets."
-- Poppy Z Brite

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