Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Making My Way Back

So many times over these past few months I've wondered how am I going to recover and heal from being hit with a sudden and unexpected divorce?

Baby steps. Nothing more than little actions that over time, build up to a stronger more confident me.

Tonight was another little baby step. Well 1,743 steps to be exact. Tonight, for the first time since last summer I went for an evening walk. After the kids were settled, I leashed up the dog and off we set for a walk.

I used to walk every evening. It was my "me" time. In fact it was one of the first things I blogged about here.  But times are different now. I only took the younger dog with me. Lada the Wonder Dog is too old to walk anymore. She looked sad as we left her behind, but her old hips just give out on her and I can't bear to see her in pain.
Stella and her fancy new
light-up leash

Although this was the first pleasant evening walk I've had in awhile, it's really not my first nightly walk. The news of my husbands affair and his walking out on me and the kids left me devastated. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and couldn't function.

At the height of my breakdown (and if what I went through wasn't a breakdown then Dear God I don't want to know what is) I was a full insomniac and would be up all night crying. I couldn't stand to be inside the house. I felt suffocated.

Eventually I realized if I went outside I felt calmer. So I began locking the house and walking up and down the street at 3am. Yes, I know that's not normal. I locked the house and left the dogs inside with the sleeping kids. I justified it by telling myself it was better to have their mom outside than inside the house crying and contemplating thoughts that a mom of six kids should never ever consider.

Being outside under the moon soothed me enough to make it through to the next day.

Tonight the same moon reminded me it is still there, but it also reminded me that I am still here too. I've walked through hell and am beginning to see a glimmer of the other side. Tonight as I walked the cool breeze allowed me to decompress from being a full time working single mom. I can't be in multiple places at once so I'm always disappointing someone. But I am doing the best I can.

Finding my way back onto the mat. Writing again. Nightly "me time" walks.

Baby steps to find my way to a new life and a new me.

I've gotten wonderful comments from people who have read my blog posts related to the divorce. Thank you and I'm honored that my writing has helped someone else in the same situation. For those who've asked, here is a list of the divorce related blogs. Reading back through them is a record of my path towards healing.

Purging the Pain
One Month
When Sleep Won't Come and The Nightmares Won't Stop
End of An Era
Love Forever
The Leaves Are Dying and So Am I
A Reminder From My Child
Month of Gratitude November 7
Month of Gratitude November 9
Month of Gratitude November 14
Month of Gratitude November 18
Month of Gratitude November 22
Strong Women
The Tooth Fairy Sucks
What A Sweet Thursday
I Hate The Night
Single Mom Working Mom
My Momma Raised Me Better

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