My Core Story

December 31 – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?


Yes, I know I'm about two weeks late writing the last of the Reverb10 prompts. I've been mulling it over and debating with myself whether it should even be written at all. There's a fine line in blogging between being open and honest, and well, being too open and too honest.


What is my core story? I'm not going to tell you. It's mine. I expect openness and honesty from myself and to myself. 


What I will tell you is my core is strong. It gets challenged daily. It has been tested and stressed and challenged. Each time it has supported me and held me upright.


I've shared my core strength with very few people. That's been my choice and it's been a good one. You need to prove yourself to me before you get to experience what's inside me.


This blog, and even teaching yoga, are a way to share my core story with you in a small, controlled way. In a safe way. 


In a way that won't damage what's inside me. My core.

Gift of Laughter

December 30 – Gift Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? 


The scene: After the oncologist visit. Our favorite Italian restaurant.


The actors: Me, my mom and my sister.


Act 2:


I can't write out the script from our lunch. We should have been discussing details and final plans. Instead we laughed. And laughed. And laughed.


I can't write what we were laughing about because cancer and death aren't supposed to be funny. Our jokes were horribly inappropriate and I'm sure offensive.


But we laughed. 


We laughed until our sides hurt. Laughed until we peed our pants. And laughed until we cried.


Laughter is what we needed. It was the gift cancer gave us that day.

Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.

 -- Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias

One Moment One Word

December 29 – Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)


The scene: The oncologists office


The actors: My mom who has just heard that she needs to decide whether to continue chemo or stop treatment, my dad being the calm optimistic one, and me having an emotional breakdown.


Act 1:


Me: (screaming through tears at the doctor) She wasn't sick and old until she started your chemo treatments!


Doctor: She'd be dead by now if she hadn't had chemo.


Dead. That word stops me. Dead. 


My mom is going to die? 


My mom is going to die.

Joyful Chaos

December 27 – Ordinary Joy Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year? (Author: Brené Brown) 


Today my sister and I took the kids on the train for a day spent exploring Center City Philadelphia.


Just so you have an accurate picture of what that means, today's trip included two adults, three surly teen-age boys who were "bored", two pre-teens who had money burning a hole in their pocket and four elementary-aged kids who were hungry, tired, thirsty, cold, had sore feet and were hungry again. 

All 9 kids at Love Park in Philly

It was frustrating and annoying and when I wasn't threatening to kill one of the kids absolutely wonderful.


And a superb lesson in enjoying the ordinary moments of life.


Stop. Breathe. Enjoy.


Funny how those same children who five minutes ago were being so obnoxious I seriously wondered if they came from my womb, can in an instant transform themselves and remind me to just stop, breathe and be present.

Captivated by the Macy's
Christmas light display

Their complaints of "he's squishing me" and my exhaustion disappear as I watch their faces become awestruck by the same light display I watched as a child so many years ago. Back then Macy's was Wannamakers Department Store and it was my mom wondering if I was really her child. And today I sat in that same spot and watched my kids, yes even the surly teen boys, become mesmerized by bright lights set to music.


Stop. Breathe. Enjoy.


I'm sure to people passing by I seemed totally OCD as I kept doing a head count. Do we have 9? Who are we missing now? (If it was one of the surly teen boys missing I didn't get concerned. They'd show up when they got hungry - again.) 

Maggie (child 9 on this trip)
tasting her first cannoli

Yet everyone gravitated together when I pulled out the freshly made cannolis from Philadelphia's famous Termini Brother's Bakery.


Stop. Breathe. Enjoy.


It was a long, chaotic day. We walked a lot of city blocks, spent a lot of money and I hope made some great memories. Tonight as I came upstairs to put some laundry away and clean up, I was struck again by an ordinary moment that made my heart swell with joy.

Sweet dreams

Four of my six children all crawled into bed together, sound asleep. 


Stop. Breathe. Enjoy.

It's Not Over Yet

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? 


I read this quote this year somewhere. I'm not even sure where I read it, but most likely it was in an Elephant Journal article (http://www.elephantjournal.com/)

Everything will be ok in the end. 

If it's not ok, it's not the end.

My story isn't over yet. There are still chapters to play out. There's still time to fulfill the  happy ending that I believe has already been written.

Itchy Feet

December 22 – Travel How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt)


My lovely Aunt Gert use to say I had itchy feet. 


I always wanted to go somewhere else and do something else and see somewhere else. I still do. 


It's probably why I adapted so well to the lifestyle of being a military spouse for 20 years. We'd move every 3 years which was just enough time to get settled in to a new place, explore the local offerings, and just as I was about to get bored it was time to move on. 


Now that we are settled here in Memphis my itchy feet need to be scratched with family vacations and yoga trips.

Me doing wheel pose in front of
Santa Monica Pier ferris wheel

Last year started off with a big bang trip to Los Angeles for a yoga training, which I'm sure I've blogged about to death. 
But, let's just indulge in one more picture!


My summer travels were spent going weekly from my home north of Memphis into the city to LeBonheur Children's Hospital. Yeah, not the most sought after vacation destination. It was the summer of broken bones in my house and just as one kid would finish orthopedic surgery, it was time for another kid to take a fall and back to the ER we'd go. 


The end of the year had two unexpected trips for me. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 liver, lung and brain cancer. What do you do when you are so far away and your mom is sick? You call the airlines and hop a plane. I went home twice this fall to be with her. 


And in just three days I'll be spending my Christmas day traveling through airports with six kids in tow. It will be the first Christmas ever spent together with my parents, my sisters kids and my kids. Five adults and nine kids in a three bedroom house with one bathroom. Can you say chaos? It's going to be wonderful chaos!


Next year I'd really like to skip the emergency room trips. Instead, I've got planned:


- Another trip to California for yoga training
- A weekend get away to New Orleans for me to attend a John Friend workshop and my husband to catch up with old friends. It will be the first time I've been back to New Orleans since we evacuated Hurricane Katrina. 
- A family vacation to Disney World! But shh, don't tell the kids! I don't have all the details worked out yet but I'm really saving my pennies for this one. My oldest will be almost 17 and family vacation time with him is coming to an end. My youngest will be six, so I'm hoping she'll be old enough to remember her trip to the Magic Kingdom.


If those trips don't soothe my itchy feet, I'll have to pull out the map and start driving somewhere!

A Letter To Myself

December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)


Dear Future Me - 


Congratulations, you've made it this far. Wait until you see what's still to come!


But please, I beg of you, stop searching for the crystal ball. And if you do find it, smash it. It's a huge burden that you just don't need in your life.


Do you really want to see the days ahead where you are so angry you dare to curse God? Do you want to see the nights ahead where you drop to your knees sobbing absolutely convinced you will die of a broken heart? Do you want to witness the pain your loved ones are going to go through as they get sick? Or the utter grief you'll go through as their death overwhelms you?


Your children are going to disappoint you, scare you and shock the hell out of you. You don't yet need to know the absolute depths of hell you'll be willing to walk to save them.


There are going to be times in your life when you will question whether you can go on.


 The good news is, not only will you get up off your knees and face another day, but there will be days of such joy and delight that you won't want them to end.


You are going to sing and dance with abandon. You are going to laugh until it hurts. The love you are going to give and receive will swell your heart to a size you never knew possible.


Not only will your wishes come true, but you'll find new dreams that will lead you on a path you never expected. 


Your life is going to be the worlds greatest roller coaster. Get ready, it's going to be one hell of a ride.

Love,
Future You

NOTE:
I teach yoga/pilates to a wonderful group of teen-age dancers at a local dance studio. Even though I'm quite a bit older than them, the teen-age turmoil they are going through now is the same as it was when I was in high school. Inspired by them, I wrote this letter to my much younger self a couple months ago.
http://jenniferyogalifeway.blogspot.com/2010/10/letter-i-wish-i-had-read-long-time-ago.html

Healing Within

December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)


Healing happens when we come out of hiding. 


Every baby step of acknowledgment, every admission of imperfection and every concession to reality brings us a little bit closer to wholeness within ourselves. 

Speak truth, hear truth

Speak change, see change

Speak fear, release fear

Want to be healed? 
See it, speak it, be it.

These Are Not New Year's Resolutions!

December 18 – Try What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. They tend to be the same things year after year. They also tend to be short-term goal oriented rather than life-long lasting change. 

And at what point do you deem the resolution a success or a failure? Is March the appropriate amount of time to lose weight? Should I have a daily meditation practice by June? 

So instead of concrete resolutions, next year I will focus on continuing to evolve as a yogi, a mom, a wife, a friend and a human.

Next year I will try  to:

 - Take my own advice. I'm pretty smart and should listen to myself more often.

 - Stand up for myself even if it means people won't think I'm nice

 - Say yes more often when the kids want to "help" me

 - Admit I'm not Super Woman and accept help when it's offered

 - Convince my family eating more of a vegetarian diet won't kill them

 - Make more time for friends outside of work/family functions

 - Yet not apologize for choosing family over friends

 - Take all those things I'd like to do and accept that even small actions toward doing them is a step in the right direction

 - Expect as much of those around me as I do myself

 -  Be a little easier on myself

Minutes Of Memories But A Lifetime of Lessons

Every experience is a lesson, every loss is a gain.

                                          --  Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Today's reverb10 prompt: December 15 – 5 Minutes Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

Just reading the prompt initially gave me amnesia. Out of the past 349 days what could I narrow down to just 5 minutes to remember? I'm stumped.

And then the memories started to flow. Some good.  Some not good.  But all of them memorable.

So I decided instead of narrowing down the year to five minutes of memories, I'd rather keep the lifetime of lessons learned.

It's said that we will repeat the lesson over and over until we master it. I know I've been repeating a lot of lessons. My hope for the new year is that I am on my way to conquering the past, and moving on better equipped for the future.

Aspirations and Fear

Every man, through fear, mugs his aspirations a dozen times a day.

--Brendan Francis

If money, time and family obligations were no object, what would you be doing with your life? Where would you be? What would your career be? Where would you live?

So what's stopping you?

Oh yeah, what's stopping me is money, time and family obligations!

Those are easy, convenient excuses anyway. Of course money, time and family obligations need to be a consideration in a job or lifestyle change, but ultimately, I need to honestly evaluate if I don't change my job or lifestyle because of the kids or if it's because I've grown comfortable. 

Failure doesn't change who I am. Failure changes what I've done and alters the course of my life. Success doesn't change who I am. Yet success also changes what I've done and alters the course of my life. 

Change is scary. The fear of failure is really just fear of the unknown.

So what's stopping me? Me.

I need to get out of my own damn way, trust there is a future beyond the one now, and have faith that the change it takes to get there will be worth it.

Sing With All Your Heart

At the beginning of this year I did something I've never done before. I'd heard about it. I'd read about it. I wondered it I'd like it. But didn't only "those" kind of people do those things? Was I brave enough to fly all the way to Los Angeles and give it a try?

What did I do that was so intimidating? I attended my first kirtan. A kirtan is Sanskrit for  a call and response chant. You can picture it:  a bunch of hippy dippy yogi's, mixed in with LA beautiful people all sitting on the floor swaying to the music and singing in a language not many people understand.

It is wonderful!

Since I was in LA for a yoga teacher training, it didn't take much persuading on my part to find four other new friends to travel from Manhattan Beach to Santa Monica on a Saturday night to Steve Ross's Maha Yoga studio. And it certainly helped that one of the ladies lived in LA and had a car so we didn't have to pay the $90 one-way cab fee.

If you aren't familiar with Steve Ross, he is the real deal. An honest to goodness, down to earth genuine real guy. He has quite a history in rock and roll music, but now he's a yogi to the stars, to the LA scene, and to us regular people with stars in our eyes and a yoga mat.

So after a long day of teacher training, four of us piled into her car and made the drive. Only my new friend the lovely Jerri had been to a kirtan before. As we took off our shoes to enter the studio, Jerri said, "Now if I start crying just ignore me I'm fine." Well why would she start crying? We were just going to sing right? I was more than a little nervous.

We found a spot among the very crowded floor and sat down on our bolsters and pillows. Someone was handing out flyers with the words of the chants printed on them. Uh oh, it really was all Sanskrit and I have no idea what it means.

I asked the guy next to me if he needed a flyer and he said no, he knew all the words he came to the chants every month. We chatted before everything began, and this was actually his last weekend in LA. He was moving the following week to Paris, France to do cancer research. Oh wow. Yeah, I just live in Memphis and I teach at the YMCA. I was still a little star struck and intimidated at this point.

And then Steve began to play his guitar. He welcomed everyone and asked if this was anyones first time. Thankfully I wasn't the only one to raise my hand. He said not to worry about knowing the words. The words don't matter. What matters is our intention.  The purpose of chanting is to get closer to and identify with the Higher Power within us.

He said we could sing "Bolo Bolo Sada Shiva Bolo" and be hoping it'll get us a new car. Or we can sing "Coca Cola Coca Cola Dr Pepper Diet Pepsi" with a pure heart and true intentions and we'll find ourselves closer to God.

Whew, that at least took some of the pressure off!

And then he started playing. And the group started singing. Suddenly it didn't matter I didn't know the words, or that I was still dressed in the yoga clothes I wore all day, or that I lived in Memphis or that I can't carry a tune. I was uplifted and supported and transported along as my voice blended with everyone else. At one point I looked behind me, and the room was full to the max. I don't know how many people fit into one yoga studio, or how that many people who didn't know each other and came from such different places all sang as one.

And then, I started crying. Yep, the tears started flowing. And I kept singing. With all my heart I sang Chamundayai Kali Ma Kali Ma Kali Ma, which Steve explained is a song about the Divine Mother. He said "just sing to yourself with love, because what is a mother but love?"

We are exhausted and rejuvenated
after the kirtan.

 The energy in that room was something I've never experienced before.           How we didn't sing the roof off, shut the city down, or cause the earth to rumble I don't know.

 It was a truly amazing, transformational and unforgettable night.

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<-- This is supposed to be a reverb10 button. I don't know why it won't work. Reverb 10 is a series of daily prompts for bloggers and everyone to reflect on the past year and manifest for the next. Check it out at reverb10.com. And if anyone can help me figure out why the button won't show, I'd be much appreciated!

What Makes A Community

I wrote in an earlier post about yoga satsang – community. (http://jenniferyogalifeway.blogspot.com/2010/11/tweets-and-books-in-yoga-community.html) 

This year has seen a welcome boom in the size of my yoga community.

Close to home, I’ve begun teaching yoga in different locations which has allowed me to meet many new and interesting people. People that you pass on the street and would never think would try yoga have stepped on to a yoga mat with me for the first time this year.

And they, in turn, have taken yoga and introduced it to other new people. One woman very tentatively walked into a free yoga in the park class this summer. She wasn’t sure she belonged in yoga. But of course, after that one morning she knew she was meant to be there. So much so, that after only a few months she began teaching yoga to her teen-girls youth group at church.

A regular yoga member and friend who did yoga all through her pregnancy, hounded me enough about prenatal yoga that I started a special class for mothers-to-be. That one special session has turned into three sessions and seven beautiful babies and future yogis. Another special class for runners has turned hard-core marathoners into devout yogis who are as proud of their urdvha dhanurasana as they are their run times!

On a bigger scale, Facebook lets me keep in touch with yoga friends I meet at teacher trainings.  We spend four or five days sweating and learning together, and then go home. But Facebook lets us keep in touch and keep encouraging each other through good times and bad. When a fellow teacher in California lost her husband recently, I couldn’t be there for her physically. But through Facebook we’ve been able to talk. Hopefully I’ve been able to take away some of her pain or at least offer an ear to listen and a forum to cry when she needs to.

Even Twitter has become a welcome addition to my yoga satsang. Where else would I be able to talk to an Anusara teacher leading an immersion in New Zealand?  Or join a book group discussion with not only a writer from Elephant Journal but also the actual author herself?

At my Anusara workshop last month, John Friend said we need to “think and act locally to change globally.”  I’ve learned this year that the local yoga community isn’t as small as I thought it was, and the global yoga community isn’t as far away as I feared it was.

When we stand on our mats together, we really are one satsang.

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