Month of Gratitude November 14

Last night was a bad night. A very lonely night.  Alone, scared and no one to comfort me. The kind of night that you feel you might not survive, that you aren't sure you want to continue living. The kind of night I had thought, I had hoped, I had gotten past. There have been way too many of those nights these past few months.

The stress and shock of my 23 year marriage suddenly and unexpectedly ending in divorce, trying to sort out my humiliation and hurt at the way it was ended, combined with anxious nerves about today's knee surgery sent me spiraling right back down into anxiety, panic, depression and hopelessness.

No matter how hard I willed myself I couldn't stop crying. I forced myself to at least attempt pranyama - yoga breathing exercises - to get myself to calm down. It didn't work. Pacing the house like I did a couple months ago isn't as easy since I'm on crutches. So I lay confined in bed, taunted by the demons of the night.

As I was scrolling through my phone trying to decide who I could call and talk to at 3am, I found an old voice mail from a friend and an old text from another friend. The voicemail was sent at the very beginning of my trauma reminding me that no matter how strong someone hits me down, I am stronger. The text reminded me to use the Buddha's lovingkindness meditation to not let my demons rule me.

I knew I needed to get my mind in a better, healthier place before I went under anesthesia today. But instead of letting my mind quiet, I was trying to force it. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and the mind is no different. The more I tried to force myself to calm down, the more it rebelled and the more upset I got.

As the day dawned and I prepared to leave for the hospital, I knew I was still in a dark place. I considered just not showing up for surgery rather than go through it with such negative energy inside me. The pre-op nurses saw me holding back tears and asked if I was afraid of the surgery. I had to admit no, the surgery doesn't scare me. No, my knee isn't hurting. My heart is broken and I am the only patient here today without a spouse who loves them in the waiting room.

And then the texts started coming in. Well wishes, prayers and good vibes from all the people who have not abandoned me and who do still love me. As I was being prepped for surgery I silently repeated the lovingkindness meditation and thought about all the people thinking and praying for me today.

Tonight I am thankful for all the people who stood in the gap for me today. For those who bathed me in light and love. For those who hugged me, wiped my tears and took care of me. For those who reminded me although I have been left alone, I need not be lonely.

Month of Gratitude November 13

Even though I have been left, I have enough people in my life that I have not been left alone.

Month of Gratitude November 12

1. Help in the most unexpected of places
2. Warm soup on a cold night
3. Friends who won't take no for an answer

Month of Gratitude November 11

1. Kid #1 who wanted to celebrate his 18th birthday with me today
2. And he remembered to say thank you during his birthday lunch
3. A quiet night with the sound of rain outside but being warm and comfortable inside

Month of Gratitude November 10

1. Kids who are old enough to drive
2. Kids who are old enough to help me get around in a grocery store while I'm on crutches
3. Kids who are old enough to help tip over and take apart the recliner chair to find the credit card I lost

Month of Gratitude November 9

I had some work to do in downtown Memphis yesterday so while I was there I stopped by Ebbos, a spiritual supply store. Yes, even down here in the Southern Bible Belt, if you look really, really hard you can find "alternative" healing stores.  After all the heartbreak and trauma of the past few months I need all the help I can get to heal and move forward.

The back room of Ebbos is like a magical room of herbs, spices, roots and other good stuff. I felt like a kid in a candy store as I opened each jar and inhaled the different aromas. I didn't even know what most of the jars were used for - names like dragon root intrigued me and more than a little intimidated me. I kept thinking all the jars lined along the wall must be a wizards dream come true.

But, I was there for one item and one item only - sage. I needed sage. Why sage? My life is in desperate need of a sage smudging ceremony.

The botanical name for sage is Salvia. The Latin root salvare means "to heal". I'm still hurting, but I'm feeling strong enough now to know it is time to bring out the sage. It's time to begin the healing.

Many cultures including Native Americans, Eastern philosophies and good-old-fashioned witch doctors and medicine men have used sage smudging to heal for years. The theory is that before a person can heal, they must first be removed of negative thoughts, negative feelings and negative energies.  And just as a person can hold on to negative energy, a place - such as a house - can also store the negative energy that has gone on there.

So, time to smudge the house of all the negative energy!

Which leads to tonight's gratitude list. Tonight I am thankful for:

1. Funky little out of the way shops that cater to us "out there" people
2. The knowledge and kindness of the people who run these shops
3. My kids who think their mom is cool for having a smudging ceremony
4. A warm enough evening to have all the doors and windows open to allow the negativity to escape the home
5. My kids who go from room to room with me smudging all the corners
6. Working smoke alarms in the house, when the smudging get a little, um, thick
7. The older kids who role their eyes at their crazy mom but at least encourage the craziness
8. Feeling strong enough to do something, anything, to help myself heal

Month of Gratitude November 8

1. The kind words of a stranger who somehow knew exactly what to say to me, although I hadn't told him a thing about myself.