A Note From An Old Friend

I've been silent for months.

For all the usual reasons; work, time, energy, lack of creativity, Netflix.

And then I got a very unexpected card in the mail and I've been buzzing ever since.

My old friend Kat McNally of dilettante & druid sent me the most lovely card all the way from Australia. It even had one those neat overseas postages on it. And Kat is so cool that she has her own seal for her cards that my kids were fascinated by.

The card was random and completely unexpected.

And an absolute lovely end to my day. Kat remembered me! She had been thinking of me! All the way from Australia!

But, Kat also send me some magical fairy dust. I've been buzzing ever since wanting to write again. My brain won't shut up this week about getting back to writing book #2. I was even up at 5am today on my yoga mat!

I'm not sure what magic Kat has in Australia, but I'm forever grateful that she has shared it with me.

Don't Be An A**hole: #reverb14 Day 17

How can you stop being an a**hole, get out of your own way and make room for more of your magic to happen in 2015?

Today I was a real asshole. In fact, before I even saw this prompt I used the word asshole in referring to my behavior today.

Actually for the past few weeks I've been an asshole. It just all became clear today how much of an asshole I've really been.

It's been a rough patch lately and once again I've been hurt and feel abandoned. So, being the "I'm so strong I don't need anyone" type that I am, I retreated to my usual defense mechanisms and pulled back from the world.

My defense mechanisms have been fine-tuned over time and I'm so good at them, I rarely even notice when I first begin to go into safety mode.

• Step one: Pull back from those who care about me.
• Step two: Stop sleeping.
• Step three: Feel defeated and see the future as hopeless.
• Step four: Lash out at those closest to me in an attempt to drive them away, thus proving to myself that no one really cares about me anyway. 
• Step five: Break down crying out of exhaustion, desperation and fear.

It works every time.

Well it works to get me to the point of breaking down crying out of exhaustion, desperation and fear. And then those closest to me, who have endured my wrath patiently, will wrap their arms around me and remind me that I really don't need to always be the strong one. And maybe if I'd just open myself to the possibility of being loved, I would see that I truly am loved.

And then I cry some more. And finally sleep.

It's a pattern I have repeated all too often in my life. And I'm grateful that those closest to me are there to see me through it each time. And are there to pick me up at the end.

In 2015, I'd really really like to stop being so much of an asshole. I'd like to learn to reach out for help instead of retreating out of fear. And opening myself up to the possibility of, well, possibility.


This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

As Usual, It's Friends on the Gratitude List: November 4-6

November 4, 2013

1. Friends who are willing to turn their car around at 10:30pm and comfort me.
2. Friends who make me laugh when I want to cry, even if it means I blow snot out my nose crying and laughing at the same time.

November 5, 2013

1. Days that end much better than they begin.
2. My mom for introducing me to and beginning my love affair with the theater.  

3. Friends who give me their orchestra seats to the theater.

4. Friends who share my love of the theater.

5. Friends who walk me around downtown Memphis at night having dinner, drinks and enjoying a rare evening out. 

November 6, 2013

1. Rekindling my love of teaching yoga

2. Noisy dance schools, little girls in tights and leotards, and loud blaring music that little girls smile and dance to all night.

Month of Gratitude November 24

1. Friends who step up and help way beyond what is expected of them
2. My kids who continue to astound me with the way they've stepped up over the past few months
3. My kids smiles and laughter - thank you God that they haven't lost that
4. My smile - still extremely rare but I admit it feels pretty good when it does occasionally pop out

Month of Gratitude November 13

Even though I have been left, I have enough people in my life that I have not been left alone.