Creativity: #reverb15 Day 28

Creativity: What does being creative mean to you?  How do you express your creativity?

Creativity - that elusive state that I wish I was in more often.

In the four years that I've had this blog I've actually written less this year than any other. The year of my mom's death and the year of my divorce I wrote more frequently. Although I'm not sure I was more creative during those times, rather I just needed to write as a way to release the pain.

This month has been a bit more of a productive month for me. Thanks to #reverb14 I've written more this month than I have all year. I also have redone my kitchen with new paint, refurbished cabinets and new decor that I created myself. I'm proud of both accomplishments.

Looking back I think I've been feeling kind of stagnant this year.  I've made no forward progression in any area of my life; professionally, socially or economically. That stagnation applies to my creativity as well.

The divorce propelled me forward into new and unknown terrain. But now I'm just sitting here not sure where to go or what to do next. #reverb14 was the jolt I needed to start writing more frequently. Now I just need a kick in the butt to get myself moving forward again too.


This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Project Reverb.

Thanks & Gratitude: #reverb14 Day 25

What are you so grateful for?  How did you count your blessings in 2014? 

I've written gratitude lists off and on for a few years now. I know that one of the ways to pull myself out of a downward spiral is to step back and look at what I have to be grateful for.

Sometimes I'm good at acknowledging all I have to be grateful for. Sometimes I'm not.

As I was wrapping Christmas gifts late one night this week, I had a temporary moment of feeling sorry for myself. As a single mom the budget is tight. I had been doing pretty good saving ahead for Christmas, but this summer a crisis with one of my kids wiped out that savings in all of 10 minutes. The ensuing bills meant there just wasn't any money left over to save. So I did the best I could and each payday purchased one gift.

Although each of my six kids knew that there would only be two presents a piece under the tree this year, when I saw the gifts all wrapped and ready for the tree I felt sad. And even a little guilty that I couldn't give them more.

But then looking at the 12 gifts sitting on my bedroom floor I realized, wait a minute, this isn't too bad. In fact for the financial hardships I've had this year this is actually pretty good. Each kid was getting what they really wanted! I decided to stop dwelling on what I couldn't do, and instead focus what I had been able to accomplish.

My current gratitude list:

• My six kids whose list of wants is short
• Friends who have stepped up to help me make sure my kids are raised surrounded by love
• Coworkers who have gone from employees, to friends to family
• Health of my family and friends
• The special people in my life who know how to make me smile, make me cry and make me laugh through my tears.
• People there to greet me as I get off an airplane
• Hard, sweaty gym workouts that clear my head any time I need
• Technology that allows texts/calls/emails/chats anytime just to say Hi and I'm thinking of you.

This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Project Reverb. 

Ending With Certainty: #reverb14 Day 21

Today, I'd like you to revisit what you wrote on 1 December on the first day of Reverb14.
How does that compare to where you are now i.e. what can you say today with certainty?

On the first day of #reverb14 I wrote a pretty dark and depressing post. At the time, I meant everything I said and even now I don't feel the need to take any of it back. The only thing I can say right now with absolute certainty is I still know nothing.

I don't know the future.
I don't know the reasons for everything in my past.
I don't know on some nights how I will make it through the next day, month, year.
I don't know the answers to so many questions I continue to ask.

However, after a few weeks of purging my demons into blog posts and a bit of an emotional breakdown, I am certain of a few things.

I know I have friends who care about me.
I know I am intelligent and have value to offer to the person who is open to accepting it.
I know that the only person in my life I really have any control over is myself.
I know the only thing stopping me from living a life worth living is me.

Then, without thinking too hard about it, grab a pen and some paper and finish the following sentences:
In 2015, I am open to...

Possibility.

In 2015, I want to feel...

Genuine happiness. Love. A sense of accomplishment.

In 2015, I will say no to...

Those who make me feel worthless. Myself when I tell myself I'm not good enough.

In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when… 

I am living my life with ease. My life may not be easy, but I won't be muscling my way through trying to force the world around me to conform, only causing me more suffering.

But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly…

Force myself back into what I know works: self care, exercise, sleep, asking for help.

In December 2015, I want to look back and say...

This is the year I finally stopped saying "I'm going to..." and instead say " I did...".

This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Do It Anyway: #reverb14 Day 15

What are you really proud that you made happen in 2014, despite the gremlins? And what will you do anyway in 2015?

In 2014 I finally, after way too long, finished my book: Creating A Joyful Life: The Lessons I Learned From Yoga and My Mom.

The book was sidelined so many times because of divorce, kids and work. But mostly it took so long because of my own inner demons telling me it was stupid to think I had the ability to write a book. I've written about this picture before. But this picture is by far one of my prouder moments this year.

My kids reading my  book to see if
their names are in it.

I haven't done much since getting the galley copies of the book back. I still need to find someone to help me format it. The two people I asked to read it and give me a small quote for the back cover both told me they just didn't have time. But mostly I haven't done anything further with it because the gremlins are telling me that it really is stupid.

In 2015 it's time to shut the gremlins up. The book may not be a bestseller and it's possible no one will buy it. But I want to see what may very well be the one and only copy ever printed sitting on my bookshelf.

This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Don't Be An A**hole: #reverb14 Day 17

How can you stop being an a**hole, get out of your own way and make room for more of your magic to happen in 2015?

Today I was a real asshole. In fact, before I even saw this prompt I used the word asshole in referring to my behavior today.

Actually for the past few weeks I've been an asshole. It just all became clear today how much of an asshole I've really been.

It's been a rough patch lately and once again I've been hurt and feel abandoned. So, being the "I'm so strong I don't need anyone" type that I am, I retreated to my usual defense mechanisms and pulled back from the world.

My defense mechanisms have been fine-tuned over time and I'm so good at them, I rarely even notice when I first begin to go into safety mode.

• Step one: Pull back from those who care about me.
• Step two: Stop sleeping.
• Step three: Feel defeated and see the future as hopeless.
• Step four: Lash out at those closest to me in an attempt to drive them away, thus proving to myself that no one really cares about me anyway. 
• Step five: Break down crying out of exhaustion, desperation and fear.

It works every time.

Well it works to get me to the point of breaking down crying out of exhaustion, desperation and fear. And then those closest to me, who have endured my wrath patiently, will wrap their arms around me and remind me that I really don't need to always be the strong one. And maybe if I'd just open myself to the possibility of being loved, I would see that I truly am loved.

And then I cry some more. And finally sleep.

It's a pattern I have repeated all too often in my life. And I'm grateful that those closest to me are there to see me through it each time. And are there to pick me up at the end.

In 2015, I'd really really like to stop being so much of an asshole. I'd like to learn to reach out for help instead of retreating out of fear. And opening myself up to the possibility of, well, possibility.


This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Roots and Anchors: #reverb14 Day 14

The idea of rooting down into your own personal beliefs and center of truth is an ongoing process, and many things can serve as anchors or roots as you move through life.
What rooted or anchored you in 2014?
And where do you want to put down roots in 2015?

Earlier this summer I wrote about feeling weighted down by the responsibilities of the world.  In the post I wrote:

A few weeks ago a coworker returned from her vacation and gifted me with a jeweled anchor necklace. She told me she saw the anchor and thought of me because I'm the one that always anchors everyone together both at work and at home. I mean it when I tell her she's beautiful, the necklace is beautiful and the thought is beautiful.

But what I'm really thinking are anchors are the ones drowning on the bottom trying to keep everyone else afloat. I feel like I'm drowning here. I almost can't breathe I'm dropping so far down.

Who is going to save me? Oh yeah, no one.

I do believe I have some anchors in my life weighing me down and probably keeping me from... well I'm not sure what. Something better? Maybe. Keeping me from exploring new territory? Yes definitely.

In many ways I am stuck. Just kind of bobbing along waiting to see what floats my way. Never really venturing out to navigate on my own. Playing it safe staying tethered to the place I know.

I can use the excuse I have so many people depending on me. I have to play it safe. And that's a very true and valid excuse. But it's also a little stifling.

In 2015 I'd like to take just a few more chances. Risk just a little bit more. And get out of my comfort zone.

This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

My Brave Year: #reverb14 Day 13

Step one: set the timer for 5 minutes and write down as many answers as you can think of to the question: 'When and how was I brave in 2014?' Note: remember the private, intimate and small ways in which you were brave as well as the big public ways.

• On a stormy summer night I looked up at a 19 year old almost man yet who is still my baby, who is taller than me and bigger than me, and said "you will get in this car."
• I watched as an ER nurse took this almost man/still my baby from me and said "You can't come back here with him."
• I sat most of the night in the ER staring at the door that my almost man/still my baby was behind. I waited for the nurse to come back and tell me what's going on. I waited all night.
• I drove home from the ER early the next morning. Alone.
• Two weeks later I rushed back to the hospital and caught this almost man/still my baby in my arms as he broke down sobbing. I allowed myself to cry with him.
• I stood up to those who have hurt him/ hurt us and said no more. You will not hurt him/hurt us anymore.

Step two: Choose one of more of those moments of bravery and write a letter yourself back at the beginning of 2014, letting you know how brave you are going to be that year.

Hey, remember those dark and scary nights from 2012 when you thought your life was over? Yeah, well, get ready because you are about to have some dark and scary nights again. Except this time you won't be in fear for your own life. No. This is worse. You will be in fear for your child's life.

But it's OK. Two years ago prepared you. You know how to fight. You know that nothing and no one will stop you from fighting for what you believe in. Or for who you believe in. You know now who to trust and who to confide in. More importantly, you know now who you can never trust. You know who is poison and you are prepared to do what it takes to keep the poison from infecting your family any longer.

Step three: Write yourself a short reminder to tuck into your wallet or post above your desk of just how brave you can and will be in 2015.

YOU GOT THIS. Don't let yourself forget that. Ever. 

This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.