Maturing In My Yoga Practice

This past weekend I attended a two-day yoga teacher training. It's the first one I've been to in over a year.

Yoga teacher trainings are tiring, long, brain intensive and absolutely delightful. It's one of the very rare times I feel like I truly belong.

Yoga teacher trainings always give me a good reminder of my dharma.

This year though, I attended training with a big clunky boot cast on my foot. Six weeks ago I fractured my foot, sprained my ankle and did some damage to the ligaments in the ankle. Yeah me! I've got a couple more weeks to go in the boot and then physical therapy.

When it was time for the yoga practice part of the day, everyone looked at me and my boot.

Oh, no worries, I'm taking this thing off and doing some yoga!

As a yoga teacher, I'm always telling my students to ground evenly through their feet. Spread the toes. Root down in order to lift up.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, mother **%*, damn that hurts! And all I did was try to spread my toes.

Now, in years past, I would have been totally willing to amputate the foot myself and keep going. In times past, there was no way I would even consider not keeping up with the class or not finding the full expression of the poses.

But, this time, I accepted down dog was out of the question. I was fine with modifying the poses and in a couple cases, even doing a completely different pose that was accessible to me while the class did something else.

I think I'm actually, finally, maturing in my yoga practice.

After ten years, 500 hours of Yoga Alliance recognized teacher trainings, I can't even count how many hours of teaching, my own hit or miss yoga practice, I do believe I am now practicing yoga.

Yoga as it is meant to be practiced.

An Instagram Picture Does Not Make A Yoga Teacher

I sit here tonight not as excited as I should be.

My yoga mat is freshly cleaned, my blocks are packed and I have my registration from printed out. I am ready for my first yoga teacher training since 2012.

I actually had to go back through my certifications and check the dates. Yes, it has been more than three years since I last sat in on a yoga teacher training. It makes me very sad to realize how much time has passed and how much of my old life I've lost.

Of course, in my defense, I've been through some shit these past few years. There was that whole divorce fiasco. And then major turmoil with one of my children. I've written very little about that era here on the blog. In fact, I've just recently started speaking out about how addiction destroys families. You can read the first piece I wrote here, where it got picked up by the Yahoo home page  and a different post over here on Rebelle Society.

As you can see, I sure haven't been slacking these past 40 months. Forty months! I've missed sitting in on yoga teacher trainings as much as I've missed leading trainings.

So I should be more excited to get back to what I love. But I'm not because of recent events.

This week I had a new student in class. A woman probably a little older than me, a few extra pounds and by her own admission has only recently begun to be active again. As I always do, I asked if there was anything I needed to be aware of to make her practice safe and enjoyable for her.

She rattled off the usual things; bad knees, back issues and lack of flexibility. Then she mentioned she also had scoliosis and, oh by the way, her neck was in a lot of pain from the headstand she did on Monday.

Headstand? What?

Yes, this woman with legitimate physical issues that require modification, who had never in her life done yoga before Monday (the two days previous to my class), and who has scoliosis attempted a headstand.

Why? Why did you do that?

Because the teacher told her to.

This other "teacher" has no yoga training. I don't believe she even has any group fitness training. But the gym hired her to "teach" yoga.

And now a new yogi is hurt and afraid of yoga.

I asked if she told the teacher about her limitations. She said not only did the teacher not ask but when she said her neck was hurting the teacher told her she just had to get stronger.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to go find the gym owner and scream at him. I wanted to quit on the spot.

But I didn't. I didn't do any of those things because I just don't think quality, certified yoga teacher training matters all that much any more.

When I look around my area, I am the only certified yoga instructor currently teaching. There are other yoga teachers. But they have no training or very limited online training for the bargain price of just $49.99. Many of their students are getting hurt, seeking out my classes or worse even giving up on yoga altogether.

Now, I'm not saying all this to inflate my ego and I really don't mean this to be a personal attack on anyone in particular. I'm upset at the business. I'm disheartened that someone who watches a YouTube video and then calls them self a yoga teacher gets hired and paid the same amount that I do. I believe it's unfair and unethical to members entering the classroom who, as they rightly should, assume their instructor has yoga training. I'm frustrated at the gyms and fitness centers that not only don't ask for certifications, but don't require certified instructors.

And I'm worried about the future of yoga.

Of course not all yoga teacher trainings are created equal, and we all know Yoga Alliance isn't the best at over seeing yoga schools. Yoga training used to be passed down from teacher to student over years and years of practice and study.  I'm sure there are great teachers who aren't RYT certified, yet who have studied under the masters.

I don't think you'll find those teachers in the gyms and fitness centers where most people are now practicing yoga.

Yoga isn't now, and never was meant to be, a fitness trend. It shouldn't be taught like any general group fitness class. It isn't a "no pain no gain" workout that you grunt and struggle your way through.

Yoga is not an Instagram picture.

But I fear that is what it has been reduced to.

I'm going to try real hard to improve my attitude before I walk in to the yoga teacher training tomorrow. And I'm hoping that after being back in that environment, surrounded by like-minded yogis who care about and value the history and philosophy of yoga, I will be revitalized.

In the meantime, I'm grateful for all my years of very expensive and hours upon hours upon hours of study and training. I welcome those students whose bodies don't look like an Instagram picture and I'll never get tired of watching their excitement as they realize that, because of yoga, their back no longer hurts or their neck pain is gone.

I accept that the only thing I can do, the only way I can hope to bring about change, is to keep studying and to keep teaching. And pass along the yoga to anyone who comes in search of it.

My Lieutenant Dan Moment: Making Peace With God & The One Year Anniversary

Most people know by now I had to get a new iPhone because my old iPhone got wet during an unexpected dip in the Pacific Ocean last month. And they've seen the scars on my feet and legs from my unexpected dip as well. What I haven't told anyone is exactly what happened. I needed some time to process it all myself first.

It involves an energy worker, a crazy lady talking to herself on the beach, and a cleansing.

I had just spent the past few days at the yoga training I was at last year right before my mom died. Many of my same yoga friends were there and they remembered how worried I was about getting home in time to spend time with my mom. They were very compassionate as they asked how my year without her had been.

I also got to spend lots of time with a good friend of mine that I hadn't seen since she suddenly lost her husband. Although we laughed and had a good time, we also took some time to share our grief. In fact, we actually scheduled Reiki sessions for ourselves with a Reiki master-in-training that was in our group.

During my session, my Reiki healer told me my sixth and seventh chakras are very open and it's obvious I've done a lot of internal work on myself lately and I'm very open to a spiritual direction. Agreed.

She also said my fourth chakra, my heart chakra, was in conflict. I was holding on to a lot of old grief and hurt. I also was intentionally closing my heart off for fear of being hurt in the future. Agreed again.

It was a fabulous session where I did some crying, some laughing and lots of listening to my intuitive new friend. She left me with lots to think about.

Fast forward to the last day of the training. I had been invited to go out with some of the other women after class and before we all made our way to the airport. I passed on the offer because I wanted one last chance to walk the beach.

As I walked the sand at sunset by myself I enjoyed the peace and quiet.  I gathered shells to bring home for the kids, called home and assured everyone I would be home soon, and then sat to watch the sun go down. The lower the sun got the harder it became to hold back the tears.

Don't sit here and look like a crazy woman crying on the beach, I told myself. So I started walking.

And the more I walked the more I cried and the more I cried the more I talked to God. Like out loud talk to God. So now I was a crazy crying woman walking the beach.

I've been accused a few times over the past few years of turning my back on God. I hadn't turned my back on Him, I was just a little pissed off at Him. I honestly don't remember the last time I talked to God, or even really gave Him much acknowledgement.

The more I talked the more came out.

How dare you give my mom cancer? Why would you be so mean and take her when she was so young? And I'm still really mad she hasn't visited me this year. I want a sign from my mom and I want it right now. So come on, do something!  You are unfair and uncaring. And I'm done with it all. I'm not begging anymore for anyones love and attention. I'm tired of waiting for someone to say it. I give up. I surrender. Love me or not. And don't you dare mess with my kids. I've done everything I'm supposed to do now You step up and do something. What about what I want? Oh yeah, and if it's all in Your hands, well then let's go. I'm writing a book so let's make it happen.  What do You think of that? Come on, where's my sign you are there? Well?

Oh god, I really am a crazy person. And then I started laughing. And laughing. And laughing so hard I didn't see the big wave that was coming right for me.

As I felt the water hit my feet, my knees, my waist I realized I was going down. I tried to climb up onto a rock to get out but my feet slipped and I actually fell down deeper. Only my head and one hand trying to keep the camera dry were above the water.

I should have been scared. There was potential here for the situation to go bad. But I was calm. Very calm. I was kind of enjoying the dip into the cold water even though I was in my yoga clothes with my purse slung over my shoulders ( in effect weighing me down further). I was confident this was going to end OK so I had enough sense to just go with the direction the water was taking me, eventually landing on my feet.

And land on my feet I did. In fact it was my heavy purse, now even heavier with water and seaweed, that snapped me back to reality. My phone! My wallet! Everything was in tact, just very wet.

I didn't even realize my feet and legs were bleeding at first. I found another solitary beach walker who let me use her cellphone for a ride back to the hotel. I changed into dry clothes, the front desk staff found bandages for my feet and let me use the hotel phone to call home to let everyone know I'd be travelling all night without a phone.

I was exhausted but felt... good. Felt better. Felt like I finally believed it really was going to all be OK.

Looking back now I consider it my Lt. Dan moment. My time to stand in the storm and challenge God. My time to make peace with everything. I feel more relaxed about everything since I've been home. I feel more confident, more content and more at peace.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my mom's death. It's been one hell of a year with lots of bad stuff and lots of amazing stuff too. Many times I've picked up the phone to call her before realizing I can't do that anymore.

I don't think getting dunked into the water was a sign from my mom. Although it is something my mom would do. I believe my fall into the water was a form of baptism. A cleansing to wash away all the old crap and placing me back on the sand a new person.

Refreshed, renewed and re-energized. And a reconfirmed faith that it's all going to be OK.

A Little Bit of Woo Woo in my Yoga

The end of day 3's yoga teacher training.

I'm exhausted, my brain is fried and I have hit the point where I am sitting in class staring blankly, maybe some drool escaping down my chin and all I can think is WTF are we talking about?

But I've been through this enough times now I know that tomorrow, day 4 and our final day (for now), it will all come together.

Three days of subtle energy work, chakra assessments, pendulum practice, pranyama and mudras.

Sometimes when I'm teaching my classes and I begin to cue less anatomy and more energy or feeling actions,  I'll say, "now just stay with me here, this may sound a little woo woo but here me out." My class knows woo woo is a term for 'ok, Jennifer's going all tree-hugging yogi on us.'

Well this weekend has had some real woo woo moments. But some very cool woo woo moments.

As a very left brain and linear thinker, I keep referencing Ayurvedic principles in our studies this weekend. Finally, the instructor pointed out to me that Ayurveda is the science and medical side to yoga where subtle energy is the non-medical side. Ohhhh.

Not only do they complement each other but they also prove each other. So I guess by me constantly bringing up what I've learned through Ayurveda it is my way of proving what we were learning about. Of course, there are TONS of scientific studies cited that also give credibility to subtle body work, but this was my way of processing it all.

So even a logical thinker like me can understand and embrace the woo woo.

30 Day Photography Challenge

Confession time. I really should be doing my yoga teacher training homework right now.

Instead I decided to take a mental break and read some of my favorite blogs.

My friend Thais at Living in the (k)Now is participating in the October 30 Day Photography Challenge that she found at the Moxie And Marmalade Blog. Thais always has great pictures on her blog and I'm also loving what I see on Moxie and Marmalade.

Although I don't shoot much anymore, my minor in college was photography and I still have a bit of a passion for it.

I told Thais if we weren't already 6 days in to the challenge I'd participate too (and I'm really supposed to be doing homework right now). No problem! she said. Just jump in today. My future personal stylist Bee from @beeyondyoga is also joining in on the challenge. She said it's ok to pull some pics from my files to use and start taking new pics tomorrow.

Ok, I'm in!

Did I mention the past 30 minutes I spent trying to find old pics I should have been doing my homework?

First, here is the challenge:

And now, the photos:

Day 1: Self Portrait

Day 2: What you wore today

Yoga Clothes - pretty much my standard outfit most days

Day 3: Clouds

Rosarita, Mexico February 2006

Day 4: Something green

Day 5: From a high angle

Day 6: From a low angle

And now I really need to get to my homework!

Missing Pictures & Missing My Mom

Me and Mom on
my wedding day

This is the only picture I can find of me and my mom.

How is that possible?

Obviously this is my wedding day. I was so young. Too young to get married.

Mom was 62 when she died. She was so young to be over taken by cancer. Too young to die.

Soon after this picture was taken I yelled at my mom to quit taking so many stupid pictures. It hurt her feelings and she started to cry.

I really haven't cried much since I got the call she was gone. Haven't felt like doing much of anything actually.

On my wedding day my mom made me promise I would finish college. Of course I graduated and she was there to watch me get my diploma.

The night before we took mom to in-patient hospice, she made me promise I'd finish my Yoga Therapy certifications. I told her I'd finish, but honestly not with as much enthusiasm as I had with my earlier promise.

Without mom here who will watch my kids as I travel for my trainings? Who will help me financially when I come up a little short for the next levels tuition? Who will tell me to quit whining and start studying when I tell her I just don't have the brain power anymore for advanced anatomy?

I found out today that mom also made my sister promise to go back to school. My sister has already cut back her hours at work and is looking at beginning courses soon.

Both my sister and I are grown women with families of our own now. Yet we're still trying to make mom proud of us.

Why can't I find any more pictures of me with my mom?

Why Do You Teach?

I recently finished a week of yoga teacher training. As always, I met some of the most interesting and like-minded people.

Except one woman.

She was, of course, a yoga teacher. She taught at a YMCA in her hometown somewhere outside San Diego. All week long all she did was complain.

Sometimes people in her class leave before savasana. She always has to deal with new people. Some of the class wants it to be easier. Some want a harder class. Some won't follow her cues. People complain about her music. She isn't friends with any of the other yoga teachers where she works.

And on and on and on she went all week about her list of complaints teaching. She didn't seem very happy to be teaching or to be at the training.

Finally at lunch one day I couldn't take anymore. "Then why do you teach?" I asked.

Well you'd have thought I just asked her the final Jeopardy question. She was speechless. (Which at the risk of sounding snarky was kind of nice that she stopped whining for a moment).

She never did give me an answer. But I didn't hesitate to tell her that all teachers have those issues. It's part of teaching.

And to remember, its not our class. It's our student's class. We are just there to facilitate their practice that day.

And it's a big part of the reason that yoga teacher trainings, retreats and conferences are so important. They feed and nourish us as teachers. We get to take a break from being teacher and get to go back to being student again.

We get a reminder of what it's like to feel a little confused in class, not feel well on the mat and unsure of ourselves.

Taking a break from teaching makes us better teachers. Not just from the new information we learn, but for the rejuvenation it gives us. We can return more knowledgeable, rested and re-invigorated.

I encouraged her to take a break from teaching. To nourish herself. And then decide if she truly wanted to be a teacher. It's not for everyone.

But when you are meant to be a teacher, you know it deep inside you. And no amount of distractions keep you out of the yoga room.

You Might Be In A Yoga Teacher Training If...

• You spend Saturday night alone in your hotel room studying the insertion angle of the femur bone.
• You know what the acetabulum is, where it is and how to spell it.
• You know acetabulum isn't a dirty word.
• You use the ice bucket to keep the non-fat Greek yogurt fresh you bought at the local market. 
• You are eating the yogurt for both breakfast and lunch instead of paying for meals in the hotel restaurant.
• But you consider it an investment to buy some cool, new overpriced yoga gear from the school boutique.
• After spending 8 hours in class and 2 hours doing homework, you still read ahead in the manual so you can get a head start on tomorrows lesson.
• You get up super early to fit in a sunrise yoga class before yoga teacher training starts at 7:30am.
• You know the phrase "where are you in your journey" is another way of asking what training level you are in right now.
• You wonder if you have enough chairs at your fitness center to put all your students into chair headstands.
• Your muscles are sore but your brain actually hurts. 
• Before the week is over you've made three new yogi BFF's and make plans to see each other at next year's yoga teacher training.
• You board the plane home so exhausted you have trouble carrying your yoga bag.
• You are already counting the days until you can go again!

Working on our tan during lunch break.
Really, we worked hard!