Monday, February 7, 2011

Missing Pictures & Missing My Mom

Me and Mom on
my wedding day
This is the only picture I can find of me and my mom.

How is that possible?

Obviously this is my wedding day. I was so young. Too young to get married.

Mom was 62 when she died. She was so young to be over taken by cancer. Too young to die.

Soon after this picture was taken I yelled at my mom to quit taking so many stupid pictures. It hurt her feelings and she started to cry.

I really haven't cried much since I got the call she was gone. Haven't felt like doing much of anything actually.

On my wedding day my mom made me promise I would finish college. Of course I graduated and she was there to watch me get my diploma.

The night before we took mom to in-patient hospice, she made me promise I'd finish my Yoga Therapy certifications. I told her I'd finish, but honestly not with as much enthusiasm as I had with my earlier promise.

Without mom here who will watch my kids as I travel for my trainings? Who will help me financially when I come up a little short for the next levels tuition? Who will tell me to quit whining and start studying when I tell her I just don't have the brain power anymore for advanced anatomy?

I found out today that mom also made my sister promise to go back to school. My sister has already cut back her hours at work and is looking at beginning courses soon.

Both my sister and I are grown women with families of our own now. Yet we're still trying to make mom proud of us.

Why can't I find any more pictures of me with my mom?


  1. Close your eyes. No, don't roll them at me! Close them. Now, breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Relax. Are you doing what I'm telling you? Now. Keeping your eyes closed, look. Do you see them? They are there. You found them.

  2. for the first year, after my father passed away, I had no memories of him....could not remember anything. it finally dawned on me, I had let my grief rob me, so every day I began to think about my dad and the memories returned. ask family and friends to go through their photos, and you know, it that one physical picture is all you have, cherish it, but even more cherish her memory.

  3. thank you for the reminder to take advantage of my time with my mother. She turns 50 this week and we're throwing her a big party this weekend with her friends. I am very thankful to have her in my life still.

    Mothers are great things. Most of all, they forgive us for all the crappy things we do, and continue to push us to succeed.

  4. I love the's like 2 sides of a mirror. She's with you always and when you need to see her look in the mirror.


  5. Your mother must have been an incredibly nurturing, caring, and gifted woman to have created such an emotionally open person such as yourself.

    I feel I need to remind you, that some people are MEANT to do certain things. Its your Dharma. And for those of us who have been blessed with an amazing parents - there is nobody in this world better to see that Dharma - even when we can't.

    Your mother is watching you now, and will be beside you in each picture you ever take going forward, as you fulfill your Dharma each day.

    Lots of love and strength to you...

  6. Thank you everyone.
    Robyn - yes I did need the reminder. Thank you.

  7. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom nearly 13 years ago, when I was 18. You don't get over it, you learn to live with it. I have a few pictures of my mom, but couldn't bear to have any of them up until about 2 years ago.
    Lots of love, and many hugs.