Friday, December 23, 2011

Wandering, Resourcefulness & Joy

December 8 – Dharma (The Path)
Wandering can be good for the over-focused creative. How did you wander well this year?
December 9 – Listo (Resourcefulness)
How resourceful were you in 2011? What new ways could you incorporate resourcefulness into 2012?
December 10 – Ananda (Joy)
A positive frame of mind is a habit. How have you silenced the propaganda factory of negativity with positive thought and behavior in your life in 2011? How has this changed your day-to-day being?

This year, 2011 will probably be remembered as my year of searching. Searching for meaning, searching for understanding, searching for something to make sense of my life. 

I wandered aimlessly for quite awhile, thinking I could do it on my own and find my own answers. That didn't work too well for me. In fact it ended with me breaking my back (not literally although it felt like it) and developing pneumonia (yes literally pneumonia). 

OK, I give up. I can't do it on my own.

In a moment of physical pain and emotional desperation, I knelt against a friends massage table and sobbed. Well, more than sobbed. I blubbered and sniveled. And finally agreed to go see the doctor who had been recommended to me months ago.

And my wandering became less random, more focused, and the healing began. 

There was still crying and blubbering. But this time with a purpose. I was open to exposing hurts that had been hidden and open to exposing truths that needed to be said. 

And a funny thing happened. I was still living the same life, yet was more content than I had been in a long time. I was hopeful that the tears and sadness would clear and I'd find something different. Dare I even say joyful? 

I gained quite a bit of weight this year. Yep. I sure did. I even had to buy a pair of jeans a size bigger. It's weight. It comes on and it will come off.

One of my teens has really tested his boundaries and my parenting skills this year. My heart breaks today but I'm confident it will swell with pride tomorrow.

I still am dealing with all the same crap that I've been dealing with for years. My reaction to it is different. Calmer. More peaceful. 

The path that led me to this place took 40 plus years to pave with good, bad and difficult decisions. I now own those decisions, claim the good ones and release the bad ones. 

It feels good to release that burden. It makes space to let some joy in. 

This post is part of #reverb11, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found here.

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