Saturday, September 1, 2012

One Month

What I've learned in the past 31 days:

  • The moon taunts me as I lay in my bed watching the clock tick the minutes away. Yet the same moon calms me as I sit outside on the porch swing in the darkness.
  • Middle of the night TV is nothing but infomercials for exercise programs, diet plans and cooking appliances. If I wasn't so exhausted I'd find some humorous connection in that.
  • Cleaning and organizing every nook and cranny in the house is obviously me just trying to find control in an out of control situation. But it helps to at least accomplish something.
  • When you feel like you can't stop crying it's because there are so many tears built up inside you the dam has finally burst and all you can do is hold on tight and let the tears bust through and flow out.
  • Telling me a lie does not lessen or take my pain away. It increases it exponentially.
  • When actions and words don't match, the actions are the most meaningful.
  • "You live in the South, let people help you" is just a kind way of saying "Quit being so stubborn and let your friends be your friends!"
  • My friends have been my lifeline this past month. They have been willing to sit and hug me, listen to me, not judge me, offer advice or just shut up as needed. 
  • I really miss my mom. But I am totally impressed by the way my dad has been there for me in her place.
  • Decisions, discussions and actions based on emotions rarely work out well.
  • When I lash out it's because I'm afraid. 
  • Decisions, discussions and actions based in fear rarely work out well either.
  • Cucumber slices do not decrease puffiness in your eyes. But they feel cool against your eyes and are actually quite soothing.
  • Not eating and not sleeping will eventually catch up with you. I have wonderful students in my classes who not only catch me as it finally catches up and I start to pass out from dizziness, but who will hand me a power bar and tell the rest of the class to just keep going.
  • My job is one where I am constantly giving to others. I just don't have it in me to give right now.
  • Anxiety is real and it's scary.
  • The places your mind can take you in the throes of anxiety and depression are even scarier.
  • It's very easy to slide downhill. It's very easy to stay down. It takes work and commitment to climb your way back up. 
  • I may be very lost right now, but I have not forgotten who I am.


  1. I have no idea what is going on with you but the pain is so palpable in this list. It is a beautiful way of finding strength and acknowledging what is tormenting you. Your words are so visceral and strong. I just wanted to reach through the cyberwalls and both hug you and scream "you go girl!"

    Whatever it is, this post showed me that you are 100% capable of pulling yourself through it. much love!

  2. I agree, cucumber slices don't help puffiness, but Preparation H does. As does yogi marching (walking in place, knees high, raising opposite arm over head).

    I love that you're writing about this ~ its good to shout this stuff out and know that its all normal. It shows your strength.

    Lots of Love to you...

  3. What you have written here certainly hits home. Your points are very similar feelings that I experienced in early 2011. I know that you have the strength to make it through. This revealing post is a good start. Xoxo