Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Making My Way Back

So many times over these past few months I've wondered how am I going to recover and heal from being hit with a sudden and unexpected divorce?

Baby steps. Nothing more than little actions that over time, build up to a stronger more confident me.

Tonight was another little baby step. Well 1,743 steps to be exact. Tonight, for the first time since last summer I went for an evening walk. After the kids were settled, I leashed up the dog and off we set for a walk.

I used to walk every evening. It was my "me" time. In fact it was one of the first things I blogged about here.  But times are different now. I only took the younger dog with me. Lada the Wonder Dog is too old to walk anymore. She looked sad as we left her behind, but her old hips just give out on her and I can't bear to see her in pain.
Stella and her fancy new
light-up leash

Although this was the first pleasant evening walk I've had in awhile, it's really not my first nightly walk. The news of my husbands affair and his walking out on me and the kids left me devastated. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and couldn't function.

At the height of my breakdown (and if what I went through wasn't a breakdown then Dear God I don't want to know what is) I was a full insomniac and would be up all night crying. I couldn't stand to be inside the house. I felt suffocated.

Eventually I realized if I went outside I felt calmer. So I began locking the house and walking up and down the street at 3am. Yes, I know that's not normal. I locked the house and left the dogs inside with the sleeping kids. I justified it by telling myself it was better to have their mom outside than inside the house crying and contemplating thoughts that a mom of six kids should never ever consider.

Being outside under the moon soothed me enough to make it through to the next day.

Tonight the same moon reminded me it is still there, but it also reminded me that I am still here too. I've walked through hell and am beginning to see a glimmer of the other side. Tonight as I walked the cool breeze allowed me to decompress from being a full time working single mom. I can't be in multiple places at once so I'm always disappointing someone. But I am doing the best I can.

Finding my way back onto the mat. Writing again. Nightly "me time" walks.

Baby steps to find my way to a new life and a new me.

I've gotten wonderful comments from people who have read my blog posts related to the divorce. Thank you and I'm honored that my writing has helped someone else in the same situation. For those who've asked, here is a list of the divorce related blogs. Reading back through them is a record of my path towards healing.

Purging the Pain
One Month
When Sleep Won't Come and The Nightmares Won't Stop
End of An Era
Love Forever
The Leaves Are Dying and So Am I
A Reminder From My Child
Month of Gratitude November 7
Month of Gratitude November 9
Month of Gratitude November 14
Month of Gratitude November 18
Month of Gratitude November 22
Strong Women
The Tooth Fairy Sucks
What A Sweet Thursday
I Hate The Night
Single Mom Working Mom
My Momma Raised Me Better

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Forty Four for my next 44 Years

It's actually the day after my 44th birthday. Last night I was just too sick with an ear infection and sinus infection to post a blog. Maybe it was the fever, or maybe just the Nyquil, but I gave a lot of thought to how this birthday is different and what I want to be different in the future.

So here is my list of what I'd like to accomplish in my next 44 years:
  1. Travel more
  2. Dance more
  3. Ride in a hot air balloon
  4. Finally find a sun dress that doesn't make my butt look huge
  5. Skydive
  6. See the Grand Canyon
  7. Not wait for special occasions to dress up
  8. Swim with dolphins
  9. Go on a cruise
  10. Whale watching
  11. Take an aerobics class in Los Angeles with Richard Simmons at his Slimmons Gym
  12. Ride a cable car in San Francisco
  13. Visit all 50 states
  14. Have more fresh flowers in my house
  15. Take a surfing lesson
  16. Take ballroom dance lessons - thanks to a "bring a friend" offer I've already taken two free lessons. Maybe someday I'll be able to afford more lessons.
  17. Be more spontaneous
  18. Encourage my creative side to flourish
  19. Publish my book (It's in the editing process now. I just need to devote more time to it)
  20. Attend Summer Solstice in Times Square 
  21. Finish my 500 hour RYT
  22. Get back to a regular yoga practice again
  23. Get back to a semi-regular meditation practice again
  24. Stress less about finances
  25. Make time to read more 
  26. Redecorate my kitchen
  27. Take more pictures
  28. Walk more
  29. Get a Labradoodle dog
  30. Be able to afford a house cleaner
  31. Watch my kids grow up to be healthy, productive adults
  32. Stay healthy into my old age
  33. Walk the beach more
  34. Take more chances
  35. Attend more live theater
  36. Find a way to combine what I love to do with a way to support myself financially
  37. Laugh more
  38. See my book for sale on Amazon (see #19)
  39. Be debt free
  40. Care a little less what people think
  41. Paint a baseball field onto my backyard
  42. Take the kids to Disney World
  43. Find balance 
  44. Be happy