Yoga for Addiction: 7 Ways Yoga Can Support Your Treatment Program

7 Ways Yoga Can Complement a 12-Step Strategy

Yoga makes a natural companion to 12-step programs in a variety of other ways as well:

1. Teaching pranayama, or controlled breathing, to gain control of thoughts and emotions
2. Emphasizing the spiritual connection through meditation and prayer
3. Gaining a sense of self-discipline to avoid impulsive or negative actions
4. Releasing negative energy through movement with the asanas
5. Developing a sense of accomplishment leading to increased self-esteem and decreased feelings of inadequacy
6. Creating a stronger, healthier body leading to a stronger, healthier mind
7. Developing a connection to other like-minded yogis in recovery

Click here to read Yoga For Addiction: 7 Ways Yoga Can Support Your Treatment Program

Never Stop Advocating For Your Kids

As parents, we are constantly balancing when to step in and help our kids and when to let them figure it out for themselves.

When parenting young adults, that balance becomes a little trickier.

When parenting young adults with a history of mental health and substance abuse issues, that balance is like walking a tightrope twenty stories high and constantly pushing the other person off yet at the same time pulling them back on.

I realized today that no matter how old your child is, he is still your child and you never stop advocating for them.

For two weeks now, all through pre-op procedures and appointments with specialists, Kid 1 has been open about his medical issues. All the trained medical professionals assured us it wouldn't be an issue in today's surgery.

At 5am this morning as he met one OR nurse after another, he told them what prescriptions he regularly takes. They all said it's not an issue.

Literally minutes away from being wheeled away into the OR, I said to the anesthesiologist, "you do know he takes a monthly dose of ..."

The anesthesiologist closed my sons chart and told everyone to immediately stop.

As it turns out, there was a contraindication with my sons medication, and one that very easily could have been harmful in surgery.

I am eternally grateful to Sean ( I'm pretty sure that was his name) for listening to us today. For having the knowledge to know when medications are an issue and for forcing a small delay into surgery today so they could come up with a medically safer plan.

I'm not a very churchy person, but I believe God put Sean in that operating room today for my son.

I also know that although I was unsure about speaking up for fear of my young adult child thinking I was taking control or not trusting him to take care of himself, I did the right thing in butting in to the doctors conversation.

Today's surgery may have been routine to them, but not to me or my child.

And no matter how old they get, or how old I get, I'll never stop advocating for my kids.

Second Hardest Post I've Ever Written

It's heart breaking when your child is suffering and you can't fix it.

This is the second hardest thing I've ever written. But I am thankful to YourTango for publishing it.

The Devastating Reality of Raising a Teenage Addict

Phoenix Rising - Soon

Phoenix by Amy Brown
amybrownart.com

"2013 was your Phoenix year"

Yes, but the Phoenix rose up from the ashes and soared. My wings are still a bit dirty and I'm still
practicing taking offs.

I'm nowhere close to flying.

I still have days filled with self doubt and a big time lack of confidence. I take full responsibility for this being my issue. No matter what anyone says, only I have the power to allow myself to feel small. I've gotten much better about not listening to those who want to bring me down. What I still struggle with though is listening to my own voices telling me I'm not good enough.

Some days the voices whisper. Some days they shout.

And on days like today when they are shouting at me I don't know how to shut them up.

So when someone says something nice to me I don't know how to respond except list all the ways they are wrong.  It's how I play nice with my voices.

Now logically I know that playing nice and keeping the peace has never gotten me where I wanted to be. But it's what I'm used to. Be a good girl, don't cause trouble. Just be quiet because it probably won't work anyway.

I know I will never rise and fly until I reframe my thinking. What if I do speak up? What if it does work out?

Instead of asking what is the worst that can happen, I want to start asking what is the best that can happen?

Maybe finally then those voices in my head will shut the f* up.

And I will fly.

Vision Boards

It's that time of year again when all my creative, artsy fartsy yoga fairy friends are making vision boards.  My friends Rick and Jilda Watson have created and blogged about their vision boards as long as I've known them. But, then again, Rick and Jilda are artists and musicians and so they have that creative spirit.

I don't consider myself artsy. I don't like crafts. By my own admission my brain is often too steeped in reality. I'm not much into magical thinking. I know from experience that wishing to lose 10 pounds or to find some lost money doesn't make a skinny body with a heavy wallet into reality.

But this vision board thing is interesting. And since I'm now in the process of reinventing my life it seems like the perfect time to really sit down and figure out what I want.

My understanding is that a vision board isn't just magical or wishful thinking. It's to find clarity on what I want to manifest and then placing those images not only onto paper, but into my subconscious where they can percolate and guide the choices I make this year.

The board itself doesn't impact reality; what changes your life is the process of creating the images—combinations of objects and events that will stick in your subconscious mind and steer your choices toward making the vision real.

(Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Make-a-Vision-Board-Find-Your-Life-Ambition-Martha-Beck/2#ixzz2ovCu5FAc)

I don't have a  picture of my vision board to show here because it's not done yet.  I know myself too well. I'll have the tendency to squash my artsy fairy side and be too realistic and logical about it all. So I'm going to take my time and slowly gather images to include as I find them.

I'm looking forward to creating the image of a new life.

Forward: #reverb13 Day 20

Forward is the only direction.

The mirror never lies, but everything in it is backwards. 

Look at what you see in the mirror. How does it change if you view yourself with eyes that can only look forward?

When I look in the mirror I finally see what everyone has been telling me they see for the past year:

I am better.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I now have the opportunity to make my life what I want it to be.

And it's ok that I'm not always exactly sure what I see for my future because I finally believe I have a future.


This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Habits & Addictions: #reverb13 Day 16

Habits and addictions, some are silly, some serious; when we have issues without answers, they can hold us so tight that we stop moving forward with the life we intended.

Were you able to loosen those fetters this year, and if you were successful, how did you manage it? Did you accept outside help, or work alone?

If you still feel that grasp of addiction or hurtful habits, what will you do differently in the year to come?

I'm more than a little sensitive to the word addiction and I don't use it lightly. Living with an alcoholic for more than 20 years I know the damage done by addictive behaviors. I'm fortunate in that I've never struggled with addiction and I no longer am in an addictive relationship. I'm in a much healthier place now.

However, that doesn't mean I don't still have my own battles to fight.

My dreams and plans are constantly feuding with self sabotage. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. No, instead I harm myself with negative self talk.

I don't really fit in here.
They are just being nice, no one really cares.
I have no talent.
I'm too old. Too fat. Too lazy.

I've played small and talked myself out of taking risks for a long time. I can give a list of reasons, but really the blame lies with me. Now, when I "accidentally" let someone else know of my plans and I know they are waiting for me to follow through, I can go for it and get it done. 

I'm not sure why I'm so mean to myself. The alcoholic drinks to temporarily forget his problems. Addicts get a short-lived high with their behavior. Mine only brings me down.

Playing small may keep me safe, but it doesn't make me happy. It's definitely time to find a little more happy.


This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul. 

Intentions: #reverb13 Day 14

What are your best intentions for 2014? How do you see yourself actualizing those intentions?

A few years ago I wrote a post titled These Are Not New Years Resolutions. Then two years later I wrote Letter To The Universe.  I'm good at setting intentions.

Not necessarily as good at fulfilling those intentions.

So here I go again: a list of intentions for 2014. With everything that has happened the past year, I believe it's time to get real and make my intentions real. 

• Pay it forward

Each Christmas it's a family tradition to always put money into the Salvation Army kettle any time we see one. Family legend tells that when my grandfather was a child during The Depression, it was the Salvation Army that kept him and his family alive one long, cold winter. Probably 80 years later now and we are still saying thank you.

A few years ago I was walking with the kids through downtown Philadelphia. We passed by a man in a wheelchair holding a sign that said "homeless vet."  Kid 2, at the time maybe 14 years old, turned around, pulled a few dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the man. As we continued to walk on the guy yelled to me "You've got a fine boy there ma'am."  Yes, I do. Even though we never really know if someone is homeless or it's a scam, my kids believe it's best to err on the side of caution. I've seen them hand over their own money numerous times. 

Fast forward to now and so many people have been generous to me and my family that I can never repay them all. As with any true act of generosity though, they don't want to be paid back and in many cases they don't even want acknowledged for their acts of kindness. So, I will be on the lookout for ways to continue to pay it forward any time and any way I can. 

• Write more. Write more often. Just write. 

Well, yes I've already put it out there that I am re-committed to finishing my book.  But I also have numerous blog ideas, half written blogs and notes entered into my iPhone. Inspiration never hits me when it's convenient. It usually happens when I'm driving and all I can do is dictate into my phone and hope I don't forget about it. 

My friends Rick and Jilda are fellow bloggers who write every single day. Even during the tornadoes that destroyed their town last year, they managed to continue to blog regularly. I not only admire that but I know it also makes them better writers. In fact, it helped Rick with the discipline he needed to write his book. (Hint, hint to self.)

• Rewrite my story

Looking back over my blog and now participating in #reverb13, I realize how much of my writing lately centers around my divorce. It's a necessary part of the cathartic process for me so I'm allowing myself to continue to write about it, for now. Eventually though the time will come that I am no longer Jennifer, the one who got divorced. I'll rewrite my story to become Jennifer, the one who.....

• Let go of the guilt

It's time to let go of why wasn't I good enough? Why did I stay when I so obviously shouldn't? It's time to cut myself some slack on the parenting mistakes I've made and will continue to make.  It's become too heavy to carry the guilt of making myself a priority. Whether that means taking a yoga class, getting a massage, going for a walk or just taking some time alone to recharge, I need it to not only thrive but to survive so that I can be everything to everyone.

• Be more open

This is something that has been gnawing at me lately. I'm only beginning to be able to put it into words for myself, so I'll leave at I'd like to be more open to any and all opportunities that the Universe has in store for me in 2014. 

This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Elephant Journal.

Community: #reverb13 Day 13

The phrase “It takes a village” is often bandied about, in reference to child-rearing, running a business, just about everything. But if you’re anything like me, you may not be a natural born collaborator.

In 2014, how could you explore what community means to you?

It might be a question of sharing the load, asking for help or signing on someone with a complementary skill set. Or it could be about a creative collaboration that pushes you to explore new ideas and media.

I have always kept my circle of trust tightly closed and well guarded. 

For years this was done for self preservation and protection. Since I was (poorly) hiding a bad marriage to an alcoholic, I had a brave front to put on to the world that all is good and I am happy. Very few people knew the truth of my marital problems. And I naively thought I had everyone else convinced there were no problems. 

When the marriage finally exploded in such a painful and public way, I had to pull my trusted circle of friends even closer and tighter. People I thought I could trust betrayed me. Friends I thought were friends crept away rather than face the ugliness of the truth. I had a lot of work to do making a new life for me and the kids and I didn't trust anyone but myself to get us there. Too many times I didn't even trust myself.

I quickly realized though that building a new life was going to be far too labor intensive to do alone. 

First, I needed a job to not only support me and the kids, but also one that would allow me the freedom to still be the hands-on mom I've always been. Fortunately, someone quickly stepped up and took a chance on me to help run his business. Although I had no choice but to trust him initially, I made it quite clear I was gone as soon as something else came along.  I'm now at the end of the one year I promised him and am thrilled to know that I will be continuing on in my position into 2014. What began as strictly a business relationship has evolved into a valued friendship of mutual trust, not just in business matters but in life as well.

Nanny Lindsey sneaking a pic on one
of her summer outings with my kids.

I needed help being a single mom to six kids. Again, help arrived in an unexpected place. My staff at work is young, very young. Their average age is about 21. They are busy with college, boys, dance clubs, boys, planning their own future and boys. Yet when I had to bring my kids to work they were right there engaging with them. The young guy at work developed an older brother-younger brother type friendship with kid 5 that my son looks forward to. 

Even when not on the clock, a couple of the girls have really stepped up to help with the kids. "Nanny  Lindsey" was a lifesaver for me this summer. On her days off from the fitness center she would take my kids on field trips to the zoo, swimming, movies and for snow cone treats. Although a good 20 years younger than me, Nanny Lindsey has evolved from employee, to nanny, to friend and finally to a part of our family. It actually took two of my staff girls to help me out when I recently went out of town. They arranged their own busy schedules to get my girls to their dance classes each night. We jokingly call Kelly the "nanny in training" although there's really no training involved. Love my kids, protect them and you are invited into my circle.

I've written here before praising my staff. I'm honored that they allow me to be not just their boss but their friend as well. 

When I was married I had lots of "friends" to socialize with as part of a couple. Now that I'm single, my friend list is whittled down drastically. Those old friends left on my now shortened friends list are the ones who were there for me during the worst of times. They were the ones who stepped up to keep things together when I was falling apart. They will be on my friends list forever.

Once you are in my inner sanctum, you are a part of my family. Although others tried to tear my immediate family apart this year, what really ended up happening was my community expanded and in extension grew my family. 

This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words to Soothe The Weary Soul.

Auto-Pilot: #reverb 13 Day 10

Living life on auto-pilot can feel disorienting and dull. How did you cultivate a life worth loving during 2013?

How can you turn off your auto-pilot button in 2014?

This post was meant to be tonight.

Today, I fulfilled a life-long dream and took my first flying lesson. No more living on auto-pilot for

this girl!

Driving there I figured I would probably just get to be a passenger and not do any actual flying on my own. Once in the air,  I turned to my flight instructor and asked how much am I flying and how much are you really in control.

"It's all you," he said. "I"m just along for the ride."

Oh, well maybe I'm not ready for this and you

Selfie at 1200 feet!
My fool flight instructor who trusted me with
controls of an airplane.

should take back control I said. But no, he was right. I got this!

I was so happy driving home I actually cried a little bit. Not just because I finally did something I've always wanted to do, but because I was taking control of my own life. I was flying the plane, I was making my own decisions in life and I could go anywhere I had the courage to go.

Which, even before I saw this prompt tonight, made me think of what have I been on autopilot about lately. The answer is glaringly obvious.

My book.

I wrote a book. The book was 95% complete when I was hit with the unexpected and sudden divorce drama last year. I was so distraught over the ending of my 23 year marriage I threw the book away.

Yes, you read that write. I took almost a years worth of work, walked to the trash can and threw it away. It was stupid and self destructive I know. But I couldn't think straight. My whole world had been thrown upside down and I believed everything I had written about living an authentic life was a lie. I'm a middle aged woman who was clueless her husband was having an affair. What could I possibly have to say of value to the world?

Thankfully though, I either had enough sense or not enough wits about me to even think of it, I did not destroy the copy that was on my hard drive.

A few of those closest to me have inquired a couple times this year , "so how's the book coming?" Umm, yeah I'm going to get back to work on it. I just don't have the time right now. That's what I tell them and that's what I tell myself.

But really, is it true? I have time to sit and blog. I have time to get lost on Pinterest. I even have time to go comatose in front of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Why don't I make the time to finish the book? Fear that it's not any good. Fear that I'm not good enough to do this. Fear that it, and in turn I, will be criticized.

When I had a couple hours on a plane earlier this year I did pull the book up and read through it. You know what? It's good. It still has value. In fact, I think it has even more value now than it did then because now I can say I have lived through it. I made it. Of course it needs some editing and a few parts need rewritten, but the essence of it is still there.

So, here we go.... No more living on autopilot!

This book, my book, will be written. It will be finished. And it will be published.

Oh god, now that I've put it out there I think I'm going to throw up.

Which,  after flying around for about 30 minutes today my flight instructor asked if I got motion sickness. No I don't. Have you ever been to zero G's he asked? Well, no I haven't.

Here we go!

Oh (insert expletive here)!

That was scary as hell! But way cool. Let's do it again!

Finishing this book is scary. But when it's published and out there I know it's going to be way cool too.


This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words to Soothe The Weary Soul. 

Low Points: #reverb13 Day 3

What was the low point of your year? How did you rise up, heal and move forward?

I didn't write this #reverb13 post last night because I just didn't know what my low point of the year was. Weird right?

My divorce was final. That was pretty low. I had a major falling out with Kid 1. That was horribly low.  

But when I think of low, I think of 2012. I think of sitting in the closet in the middle of the night trying to pry the gun cabinet open with a screw driver. I think of the nights of relentless insomnia where the only thing I could think to do was walk up and down the street at 3am with nothing but my dog by my side. The days that it just wasn't physically possible for me to get out of bed. 

Compared to all that, 2013 is my year to rise up, heal and move forward. 

Never looking back, always moving forward. 

This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found on Elephant Journal.

One Word

Encapsulate your 2013 in one word. Why that word? What would you like your word to be for 2014? Why?

2013: Persevere

To continue steadfastly in a course of action especially in spite of opposition. To last or endure tenaciously.

This is supposed to be my rebuilding year, my time to create a new and better life post divorce. No one said it would be easy yet no one warned me about the seemingly constant obstacles I'd have to face.

I've said more than once this year "I'm just so weary of the constant battle."

But there's no rest for the weary when a new life needs designed. So trudge on I must.

2014: Prosper
To be successful or fortunate, thrive, flourish

My hope is this year I have done a good job laying the groundwork so that next year I will prosper creatively, spiritually, emotionally, financially,  socially and professionally.


This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found on Elephant Journal. 

Month of Gratitude 2013

It's that time again.  Bloggers and others are listing what they are grateful for each day of the month of November.

I've participated for the past two years. My 2011 gratitude list was very different than my struggle to find gratitude during my very difficult 2012. This year I'm in a very different, yet better, place and I'm not sure where my gratitude list will go.

I do know though that these past couple years have taught me, if nothing else, even in the darkest of times there is always something to be grateful for. Always.

November 1, 2013

1. Safely guiding my unsafe car to a place I can pull over and call for help.
2. Having car insurance that includes roadside assistance and towing.
3. A pink mohawk tow truck driver who wouldn't leave me alone on the side of the road.
4. Kids and a staff who were willing to drop what they were doing and come rescue me.
5. Long distance phone calls.


November 2, 2013

1. New friends who willingly hand over keys to their brand new car so that I'm not without transportation to work.
2. Old friends who save me money by fixing my car for me.


November 3, 2013

All the kids piled on my bed waiting their turn for one of momma's back massages.

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

Last week at work, during one of our regular deep philosophical discussion periods, someone said "hey you should listen to this song."

My response was an eye roll and a let's just get back to work now.

But I sat and listened. And as I listened I felt my eyes get moist and my heart become heavy.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in 

I'll keep checking the horizon 

And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call 

It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon 

It's just that times are lean 

Looking back, I can see now that I've spent too many years waiting for my real life to begin. "It will be better when...", "If I can just make this happen...", "Someday I'll have the time/money/energy..."

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened 

But in my dreams, I slew the dragon 

And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane 

I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again

The years went by, my life continued and I kept waiting. Waiting for something to happen.

Then something happened. Something big. And I was scared. I'm still a little scared. But I don't want to wait any longer.  I'm ready to find a way to steer my own ship.

I know the sailing won't be easy. But there is something comforting about taking control. I know there are still hard times ahead. I know I'm going to make mistakes. I know times will be lean.

But they will be my times, my terms, mine to overcome.

I know people now who are in a holding pattern waiting for their own lives to begin. I see the same fear and unhappiness in their eyes that I had in mine for so long. I know the pain they feel. I know what 's holding them back.

As sad as I am for those people, there's nothing I can do to help them get moving. When they decide it's their time, or their big scary moment happens, it's up to them to begin their own life.

As I sat and listened to the song I became aware of one of my young staff girls watching me. I looked at her, smiled, wiped the tear away from my eye and pretended to get back to the work on my desk.

But inside I knew I was finally ready. It is time to get to the real work of making my new life begin.

After The Storm

Tonight's sunset after a hellacious
thunder storm that unexpectedly swept
 through my area.

I'm still waiting for my calm after the storm. 

Tonight's sunset gave me hope that someday, dear God maybe soon, there will be peace and happiness in my life again.

Sweating It Out

I've done enough crying this year. I still cry too often. Earlier this year I was lucky enough to spend time sitting on the beach, under the big moon, the smell of salt air filling my senses. All the crying purges the pain inside me. The ocean soothes me. I was still missing the sweat though. 

Then today, after almost a year of not doing yoga, I walked into a hot yoga class. This was my first led class since the whole "husband of 25 years walks out on his family" saga of the last year. The last led class I attended was just as I was plunging into my major depression/almost suicidal realm so no matter what happened on the mat, this class had to be better than that last one.

It's been a tough haul this past year getting myself back together. Baby steps forward and then a bump back. Just recently my body began shouting at me that it was time to get moving again. I actually forgot how much I enjoyed a good sweaty workout. iPod in, heart pumping, breathing heavy - it's good for me. It feels right.

I remember a couple years ago a friend saying to me he noticed that when I was exercising more I was definitely happier and had less bouts of depression. Yes, that whole exercise as a mood lifter thing is true. I've also noticed that when I'm exercising more I get more creative and have the urge to write again. It's pretty common for me to write out a blog post in my head while I'm breathing and sweating. 

My baby steps to creating a new, happier post-divorce life had conquered my fear of returning to the gym, but now it was time to get serious and get back on the mat. I actually had intended to go to hot yoga last week, but a bout of sun poisoning from falling asleep in the pool had me confined to bed all weekend covered in aloe and watching marathons of The Newsroom on HBO. (Yes, I actually fell asleep in the pool long enough to be sunburned so bad I got sun poisoning. However, in my defense, sleep is sometimes still illusive and that 1 1/2 hours in the pool was the best sleep I've had in a long time. So, skin cancer risks aside, it was worth it).

I was honestly nervous about going to class today. Much of my strength is gone. My flexibility and my stamina have also gone into hiding. It's only temporary I know. But, still, I miss it. I checked the class schedule a few times and gave repeated reminders to my kids that I was going out for the afternoon and no you can't go with me.

After the tuna fish before hot yoga incident of a few years ago you'd think I'd know better than to eat a Lenny's Italian sub for lunch, but no, I actually did it anyway. I did have enough sense to drink plenty of water before class though.

And why do I always decide my body needs hot yoga in the middle of a Southern summer heat wave? A high of 95 degrees outside, with heat indexes easily reaching 100, and I decide it's perfect to spend an hour and a half in a 90 degree room. 

My plan to just take it easy and accept what I was able to do quickly went out the window when we began class in padmasana (lotus pose).  My hips used to do this and they will do it again today! And they did! Admittedly I had to rest my head on a block instead of the floor as we folded forward but, ahhhh, there's that deep hip opening.

Actually, the physical practice went much better than I expected. Yes I was dripping sweat like a hooker in church, but so was everyone. My body acclimated quickly to the heat and soon found that yoga groove I've missed for too long. My body had been hinting at some imbalances in my body lately and they were obvious today, perhaps to no one else but definitely to me. My left knee is still a little weak from last years surgery so that made balance poses a bit more challenging. 

But the part of today's class I'm most proud of is that I got my mind to quiet. My mind is never quiet. Ever. It's constantly reviewing my financial worries, concerns about my future, worries about my kids. But today, for just a brief bit, it quieted. My body sweated and my brain relaxed. 

Tonight I'm exhausted. Not really physically, more so emotionally. I didn't cry during class, but I know that some energy that had been blocked was released. I know the sweat purged some negativity I had been holding on to. 

I know in order to reclaim my life I had to get back on the mat. It feels good, really good, to have taken that sweaty step back to finding me again.

Things To Do

When I got in to work today I opened my notebook where my staff writes me notes of what needs taken care of, reminders, etc. 

Today, this is what I found:

My staff deserves a raise.

A Night of Summer Bliss

Fresh vegetables and barbecue chicken on the grill.

Kids laughing and dogs running outside.

Teens and their friends eating faster than I can cook.

"Mom can we go night fishing, please?"

Wet pool towels and flip flops on the floor.

Feeling absolutely content and truly happy. 

Nowhere Else But Here

My girls dance recital was last weekend. I did not cry when they danced onto the stage.

I didn't cry, much.

My mom always cried at my childhood events. Always. A lot. A few of my tears last weekend were for my mom, wishing she could be here to see her granddaughters dancing on that big stage. My mom would always tell me "wild horses couldn't keep me away" from whatever performance was upcoming next.

Kid 6 sound asleep on the way home but still
holding on to the flowers her brothers gave
her. There's no place else better
than right here.

With my recent divorce I'm now working full time and am missing a lot of my kids events. The girls asked if I would have to work the night of the recital. Wild horses couldn't keep me away, I told them.

Me, each of my four boys, one of the boys girlfriends and two friends who have stepped up to help my family this past year were all there to cheer as the girls danced the night away. My friend leaned over a couple times to whisper her amazement at how good the girls, all the girls of the dance school, were. Yep, our little town dance school owned that big Memphis stage Saturday night.

Seeing the joy on my girls faces as they danced brought me joy in the midst of a very difficult year.

As I watched,  I wondered what could possibly be better than this to drag me away from here?  A night out with friends? No. A moonlit walk on my favorite California beach? No. A trip away? No.

I am often overwhelmed at being a single mom of six kids. I'm over stressed, over worried and missing out on events I never had to miss out on before. But watching my little girls on that big stage, I'm reminded I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Nothing, no place and no person is more important to me than being there for my kids. Nights like recital night remind me as difficult as life is right now, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

A Mother's Day Letter To My Sons

Dear boys --

Today is my first official Mother's Day as a single mom. As Mother's Days goes it was no different than any other in the past. I made dinner, cleaned up from dinner, did laundry and cleaned bathrooms. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. I'm grateful I get the privilege of being your mom and there is no way I'd ever walk away from being your parent. I love you too much to ever leave you.

As teen boys go, you were pretty cool today. You willingly hugged me, surprised me with gifts and sent me Happy Mothers Day text messages.

But I want to tell you something. Please don't roll your eyes at me. Trust me, you will appreciate this advice in the future. There are a few things you should remember when one day - a long time from now - you have a wife and mother of your children.

• Never, I repeat never, say to your wife "You aren't my mother, I don't have to buy you a present." That's just offensive and disrespectful. It's not funny. 
• Say thank you on other days besides Mothers Day. If your wife is fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, she doesn't have it easy. She spends her entire day taking care of everyone else at the expense of her own self.  
• Don't volunteer your wife to babysit other peoples kids. If she wants to take on that additional responsibility she will offer. 
• Speaking of babysitting, please don't think you are doing your wife a favor by babysitting your own children. No, it's not babysitting. It's called raising your children and being an active, involved parent. It is what I expect of you and what she needs of you.
• It's not about a big present. A hand written note from your heart is all it takes.
• Your children will mimic you. If you treat your wife with respect and love, your children will too.
• When things get difficult between you two, and they will, step back and look what you've created. The minute that baby is born it is no longer about just you two. You have created something bigger. 
• Your wife may not always be your wife, but she will always be the mother of your children. 

Remember the love and care you have shown to me this past year, and you are going to be a great husband and father one day.