Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Habits & Addictions: #reverb13 Day 16

Habits and addictions, some are silly, some serious; when we have issues without answers, they can hold us so tight that we stop moving forward with the life we intended.

Were you able to loosen those fetters this year, and if you were successful, how did you manage it? Did you accept outside help, or work alone?

If you still feel that grasp of addiction or hurtful habits, what will you do differently in the year to come?

I'm more than a little sensitive to the word addiction and I don't use it lightly. Living with an alcoholic for more than 20 years I know the damage done by addictive behaviors. I'm fortunate in that I've never struggled with addiction and I no longer am in an addictive relationship. I'm in a much healthier place now.

However, that doesn't mean I don't still have my own battles to fight.

My dreams and plans are constantly feuding with self sabotage. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. No, instead I harm myself with negative self talk.

I don't really fit in here.
They are just being nice, no one really cares.
I have no talent.
I'm too old. Too fat. Too lazy.

I've played small and talked myself out of taking risks for a long time. I can give a list of reasons, but really the blame lies with me. Now, when I "accidentally" let someone else know of my plans and I know they are waiting for me to follow through, I can go for it and get it done. 

I'm not sure why I'm so mean to myself. The alcoholic drinks to temporarily forget his problems. Addicts get a short-lived high with their behavior. Mine only brings me down.

Playing small may keep me safe, but it doesn't make me happy. It's definitely time to find a little more happy.

This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul. 

1 comment:

  1. I hear you, Jennifer. Negative self-talk is such a debilitating habit and such a hard one to break. One perspective is that those voices just want to keep you safe (i.e. "playing small"). Many years of therapy revealled to me that I am usually much more afraid than I need to be.
    Seems to me all we can do is keeping showing up and be as brave and as kind to ourselves as we can. xx