I Watch My Son Dance With Death

The pain of watching your child suffer is horrible. And no one can possibly understand unless you also are dealing with addiction and suicide.

But as a mother I will never give up.

As A Mother I Watch My Son Dance With Death

Second Hardest Post I've Ever Written

It's heart breaking when your child is suffering and you can't fix it.

This is the second hardest thing I've ever written. But I am thankful to YourTango for publishing it.

The Devastating Reality of Raising a Teenage Addict

The Really Real Reality Of Life As A Single Mom

THIS IS THE STUFF NO ONE TALKS ABOUT

Please click the link to my newest Elephant Journal post.

I shed a few tears while I was writing it.

If you like the post too, please Tweet it, share it, Facebook it or do any other social media thing there is to pass it around.

My Brave Year: #reverb14 Day 13

Step one: set the timer for 5 minutes and write down as many answers as you can think of to the question: 'When and how was I brave in 2014?' Note: remember the private, intimate and small ways in which you were brave as well as the big public ways.

• On a stormy summer night I looked up at a 19 year old almost man yet who is still my baby, who is taller than me and bigger than me, and said "you will get in this car."
• I watched as an ER nurse took this almost man/still my baby from me and said "You can't come back here with him."
• I sat most of the night in the ER staring at the door that my almost man/still my baby was behind. I waited for the nurse to come back and tell me what's going on. I waited all night.
• I drove home from the ER early the next morning. Alone.
• Two weeks later I rushed back to the hospital and caught this almost man/still my baby in my arms as he broke down sobbing. I allowed myself to cry with him.
• I stood up to those who have hurt him/ hurt us and said no more. You will not hurt him/hurt us anymore.

Step two: Choose one of more of those moments of bravery and write a letter yourself back at the beginning of 2014, letting you know how brave you are going to be that year.

Hey, remember those dark and scary nights from 2012 when you thought your life was over? Yeah, well, get ready because you are about to have some dark and scary nights again. Except this time you won't be in fear for your own life. No. This is worse. You will be in fear for your child's life.

But it's OK. Two years ago prepared you. You know how to fight. You know that nothing and no one will stop you from fighting for what you believe in. Or for who you believe in. You know now who to trust and who to confide in. More importantly, you know now who you can never trust. You know who is poison and you are prepared to do what it takes to keep the poison from infecting your family any longer.

Step three: Write yourself a short reminder to tuck into your wallet or post above your desk of just how brave you can and will be in 2015.

YOU GOT THIS. Don't let yourself forget that. Ever. 

This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Connections: #reverb14 Day 8

How have you created and/or sustained connections in your life this year?

I am overly connected in my life. Yesterday I intentionally put my phone out of reach for 2 hours. When I went back to get it, I had 22 text messages. Twenty-two messages in two hours. Crazy! I am always just a text message away from my kids and my coworkers. Sometimes that gets stifling.

I've been told I am very available to my kids. It's been said in one of those "oh it's a good thing but kind of a bad thing too" kind of way. Yes, if my kids call or text, I will answer. Deal with it.

This summer, what could have been a tragedy, turned out to be an opportunity to reconnect with Kid 1.  For a few years now I've felt him slipping away from me. I don't mean in the usual just getting older kind of way. I mean this kid is checking out. He's not just pulling away from me, he's pulling away from the world.

It scared me. But I couldn't reach him.

In hindsight, I'm thankful everything came crashing in on him this summer. It shocked him back to the world and to the help he needed. Even though for weeks we were separated from each other, we were constantly connected. Twenty-four hours a day that phone was next to me and I answered no matter where I was or what I was doing.

And it was me that he called. No one else. He wanted to connect with me.

Since he's been home, we are re-learning how to connect with each other. At 20 years old he is but a man child. I have learned to sit back and watch him learn to navigate his way to adulthood. And to be available when he needs help.

I don't think I even realized how much he had slipped away. Now that he's back I'm sometimes surprised when he interacts with the family. I always knew he was smart and funny. But now he lets everyone see that. It makes my mom heart happy when I see him reconnecting with his brothers. He makes an effort now to be involved in their life as well. The siblings had distanced themselves from him for many years. They also are learning reconnect with him.

I believe that Kid 1 now sees the importance of staying connected. He has forged a bond with a new group of people that want him to succeed. Recently, he admitted he felt himself having the potential to slip down but instead he reached out and connected with a member of his group.

It was just a phone call. But it was the connection he needed to let him know he's not alone, he's worth fighting for and to make the decision to keep moving forward.


This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul. 

Forward: #reverb13 Day 20

Forward is the only direction.

The mirror never lies, but everything in it is backwards. 

Look at what you see in the mirror. How does it change if you view yourself with eyes that can only look forward?

When I look in the mirror I finally see what everyone has been telling me they see for the past year:

I am better.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I now have the opportunity to make my life what I want it to be.

And it's ok that I'm not always exactly sure what I see for my future because I finally believe I have a future.


This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Habits & Addictions: #reverb13 Day 16

Habits and addictions, some are silly, some serious; when we have issues without answers, they can hold us so tight that we stop moving forward with the life we intended.

Were you able to loosen those fetters this year, and if you were successful, how did you manage it? Did you accept outside help, or work alone?

If you still feel that grasp of addiction or hurtful habits, what will you do differently in the year to come?

I'm more than a little sensitive to the word addiction and I don't use it lightly. Living with an alcoholic for more than 20 years I know the damage done by addictive behaviors. I'm fortunate in that I've never struggled with addiction and I no longer am in an addictive relationship. I'm in a much healthier place now.

However, that doesn't mean I don't still have my own battles to fight.

My dreams and plans are constantly feuding with self sabotage. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. No, instead I harm myself with negative self talk.

I don't really fit in here.
They are just being nice, no one really cares.
I have no talent.
I'm too old. Too fat. Too lazy.

I've played small and talked myself out of taking risks for a long time. I can give a list of reasons, but really the blame lies with me. Now, when I "accidentally" let someone else know of my plans and I know they are waiting for me to follow through, I can go for it and get it done. 

I'm not sure why I'm so mean to myself. The alcoholic drinks to temporarily forget his problems. Addicts get a short-lived high with their behavior. Mine only brings me down.

Playing small may keep me safe, but it doesn't make me happy. It's definitely time to find a little more happy.


This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul. 

One Year: Loss, Learning and a New Life

It's been exactly a year. One year since one phone call changed the one thing I always thought I knew to be true. One year ago today I found out my husband was having an affair. One phone call that led to one divorce and 365 days of heartache.

I've given a lot of thought to what I've learned this year. I certainly forgot a lot of my previous teachings during my darker moments. But I know enough that in everything there is a lesson to learn.

• When someones actions don't match their words, always believe their actions. Words hurt. Hateful words can drive a stake through your heart. But a persons actions are what cause the most long-term damage.
• Like Robert Frost said, Life Goes On. When I got that phone call my world stopped. But life around me continued. At the time, I didn't understand how that was possible. Now I see that is exactly how it's supposed to be. Life goes on. And thank God it does.
• Asking "Why?" is pointless. I'll never get the answer I'm looking for or the one that will satisfy me. In my heart I already know why. 
• You can't control anyone else. No matter how vested I may be in the outcome, it's ultimately not solely up to me. Other people are going to make choices that affect me, and I have no choice but to accept that and do my best with the outcome.
• Addiction destroys families. Addiction is selfish and manipulative. Addiction can't be cured by love.  The addicted person isn't just harming himself, he's leaving a wake of destruction behind him that becomes the burden for the innocent to bear. 
• I know nothing. All the books I've read, all the teachers I've studied under, it's nothing but a drop in the bucket of wisdom. I'm just waking up every morning doing the best I can with that days knowledge. 
• You just don't know what the Universe has in store for you. Life takes sudden and unexpected turns that may knock you off your feet, or may be the helping hand you need.
• In times of trouble you learn who your friends are. People I never would have expected stepped up this year when I most needed. From forcing me into the car to the doctor to get help, to taking care of my children, to laying in bed with me and holding me while I cried, my friends were the ones who never lost faith in me.

And one more lesson that I knew, but had forgotten. Laughter really is the best medicine. Many times this year I thought my laugh would never return. Then many times it was laughter through tears. Now, I am grateful for genuine laughter.

I've written before about what a wonderful staff I have. Today they outdid themselves. Knowing today had the potential to be an emotionally difficult day, they had a surprise waiting for me when I got in to work.

Happy "You Found Out Your Husband is Having
an Affair' Anniversary.
How could you not laugh at that kind
of celebration?

Nowhere Else But Here

My girls dance recital was last weekend. I did not cry when they danced onto the stage.

I didn't cry, much.

My mom always cried at my childhood events. Always. A lot. A few of my tears last weekend were for my mom, wishing she could be here to see her granddaughters dancing on that big stage. My mom would always tell me "wild horses couldn't keep me away" from whatever performance was upcoming next.

Kid 6 sound asleep on the way home but still
holding on to the flowers her brothers gave
her. There's no place else better
than right here.

With my recent divorce I'm now working full time and am missing a lot of my kids events. The girls asked if I would have to work the night of the recital. Wild horses couldn't keep me away, I told them.

Me, each of my four boys, one of the boys girlfriends and two friends who have stepped up to help my family this past year were all there to cheer as the girls danced the night away. My friend leaned over a couple times to whisper her amazement at how good the girls, all the girls of the dance school, were. Yep, our little town dance school owned that big Memphis stage Saturday night.

Seeing the joy on my girls faces as they danced brought me joy in the midst of a very difficult year.

As I watched,  I wondered what could possibly be better than this to drag me away from here?  A night out with friends? No. A moonlit walk on my favorite California beach? No. A trip away? No.

I am often overwhelmed at being a single mom of six kids. I'm over stressed, over worried and missing out on events I never had to miss out on before. But watching my little girls on that big stage, I'm reminded I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Nothing, no place and no person is more important to me than being there for my kids. Nights like recital night remind me as difficult as life is right now, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

The Wife vs. The Mistress: A Lesson in Compassion

As part of another baby step towards reclaiming my life, I am once again writing for Elephant Journal Magazine.

Here is my  newest post:

The Wife vs. The Mistress

A Lesson in Compassion

Please click the link, comment and share the post if you enjoy reading it.

Why I Bleed At My Keyboard

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.

-- Ernest Hemingway

I'm finally writing a book. I blog here. And I post to Elephant Journal.

I began writing as a way to get the crazy out of my head and along the way writing became a form of meditation for me. And, like meditation, sometimes the things that come out are unexpected and even a little scary.

I can't stop the words that flow. I can't not write any more than I can't not breathe. Every now and then I write something that I wonder whether I should post or not. I hesitate and worry to the point that I feel I might vomit before I hit publish. 

But when you bleed all over the keyboard you have to clean it up.

My most recent Elephant Journal post caused quite a bit of bleeding. The emails and private messages I've received have been heart wrenching, touching and as raw as my post. So many people have shared their story with me and thanked me for being brave enough to say what they were too afraid to. By reaching out to me they have helped bandage my wounds.

My new post, What Alcoholism Taught Me is the story of how yoga helped me be a better person, despite of, or even because of, the chaos around me. It's a small sample of what you'll read in my book "Creating A Joyful Life: The Lessons I Learned From Yoga and My Mom" - due out later this year.