The Key To Happiness Is Time

Today was a  typical Sunday - my normal one day off per week. Me and the kids did the usual grocery shopping, house cleaning, back to school shopping, yard work, laundry and meal prep that normally happens on our "day of rest".

Just as I was about to start dinner, the one night per week I try to make a sit-down healthy family meal, I stepped outside first to find kid 5 teaching his puppy to jump through a hoop. I've been telling him for awhile now that I really think this dog could learn some neat tricks.

She's a rescue pup, so we aren't totally sure of her lineage, but based on the way she can jump we are thinking she definitely has some Jack Russell Terrier in her.

Well, after just a quick minute, he had that dog jumping through the hoop almost a foot off the ground!

I bet we stayed outside almost an hour just playing with the dog and taking video of her jumping.

Eventually we remembered we were hungry and I came inside to make dinner.

After dinner I stepped out back to talk to Kid 3 about coordinating all our schedules for the week. Each of the kids drifted out to follow me and we all sat outside for over an hour as the sun went down.

Not only was it the first Memphis night that wasn't sweltering hot, it's also the last weekend we have before school starts back again.

We all just felt laid back, relaxed and unhurried. Of course, though, being siblings it can never stay totally relaxed. Kids 4 & 5 challenged each other to a race, then a rematch, Kid 6 got a little loud trying to make everyone laugh and the dog was running around like crazy in the middle of it all.

It was fabulous.

I realized the key to everything tonight was time. I took the time to enjoy being outside, the time to just be with the kids without having a schedule or accomplishing a to-do list. I had the time available where I wasn't working, wasn't worried about getting back to work and wasn't worried about how to make more money  -- I just simply took the time to enjoy life for a bit.

I'm normally so busy trying to earn enough money just to get by that I don't feel like I have time to take time off.

I've always heard that money can't buy happiness. My response has always been I am willing to try! But tonight I realized that if money could just buy me more off time, more down time, I could be happy.

Money would relieve so much of my stress. Allowing me to enjoy the time I do have.

I realize that sounds like a greedy statement. But the reality is I am raising 6 kids on a single mom budget. I'm one of those Americans who has way too much credit debt, not from family vacations or shopping sprees, but from buying gas and groceries and kids sneakers. Not to mention school fees, car insurance and everything else that comes along with raising a family. Those expenses that you can't just cut back on.

Financial stress affects every part of my life. It even seeps into the fun times by making me think I shouldn't be just sitting here doing nothing, even if it is enjoying time with my family.

Down time is time that could be working. A nice meal is nothing more than another charge to my account. I keep a running total in my head of expenses during trips away for graduations or dance competitions. Believe me, adding up costs really takes the fun out of fun times.

But somehow tonight I forgot all that for a little bit.

I just enjoyed my time with my family and remembered that is why I work the way I do.

A Very Loud Very Crowded Week

YOU ALL ARE HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, TERRIBLE CHILDREN!

I've said that more than once this week. Kid 2 is home on leave from his new Navy duty station so all six kids are together for the first time since Christmas.

It's been a week of picking on each other, instigating trouble, inappropriate jokes, extremely loud video game playing, moving back and forth between bedrooms, all ganging up on me for fun and other obnoxious behavior.

I absolutely love it and have been smiling all week.

It's really interesting to watch them interact with each other knowing their time is limited. To see how although they are all mostly young adults now, they still revert to child-like sibling rivalry. They really are growing up yet they are strongly bonded together.

My hope is that someday they will all be grown and independent, yet still gather together at my house to make a mess and make me crazy.

That will be my definition of a parenting success.

Me, My Son And A Pop Song

Sometimes, often in unexpected moments, music stops you in your tracks and makes you pay attention to life.

Driving home from the doctor this afternoon, Kid 1 was dozing in the passenger seat. He's been pretty sick lately so he and I haven't had much interaction.

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing since most of our conversations lately center around me telling him to just grow up and be responsible and him telling me he's an adult now and I need to treat him like one. It's a pretty common issue between mothers and their young adult sons I suppose. But he and I have a history of struggle that makes it a little more frustrating. We aren't currently doing a lot of fighting. Just quite a bit of bickering.

Anyway, today we had just left the doctor where we found out he thankfully didn't have to have surgery. I thought he was asleep when he suddenly popped up and said "oh you need to listen to this song. It makes me think of us."

Ugh, OK. I figure it will be something about two people who don't see eye to eye.

Instead, he played me this:

"House Of Gold"

She asked me, "Son, when I grow old,

Will you buy me a house of gold?

And when your father turns to stone,

Will you take care of me?"

She asked me, "Son, when I grow old,

Will you buy me a house of gold?

And when your father turns to stone,

Will you take care of me?"

I will make you queen of everything you see,

I'll put you on the map,

I'll cure you of disease.

Let's say we up and left this town,

And turned our future upside down.

We'll make pretend that you and me,

Lived ever after happily.

She asked me, "Son, when I grow old,

Will you buy me a house of gold?

And when your father turns to stone,

Will you take care of me?"

I will make you queen of everything you see,

I'll put you on the map,

I'll cure you of disease.

Ohhhh...

And since we know that dreams are dead,

And life turns plans up on their head,

I will plan to be a bum,

So I just might become someone.

She asked me, "Son, when I grow old,

Will you buy me a house of gold?

And when your father turns to stone,

Will you take care of me?"

I will make you queen of everything you see,

I'll put you on the map,

I'll cure you of disease.

As I listened to the words I realized I also needed to be listening between the lines. I've often joked that out of six kids one of them better take care of me when I'm older.  And here he is playing me a song about wanting to take care of me so I live happily ever after. A song about knowing times are tough now. But that knowing they will get easier one day.

And this line:

And since we know that dreams are dead,

And life turns plans up on their head,

I will plan to be a bum,

So I just might become someone.

Kid 1 has been working hard lately to be someone. He's not moving forward as fast as he'd hoped, but he's not going backwards anymore either. 

For the first time in a very long time, he's looking to the future.

And the future looks bright.

At first when I pulled up the video for this song I thought it was just weird. But when I read a bit deeper, I found this:

Both of the members absolutely love their moms- they talk about this all the time and the song is about that.  The upper halves of their bodies were around the house, in the windows, playing to the woman inside, presumably a mother.  Their hearts were closer to her.  However, their legs were going around, pursuing a music career, or a bigger life outside of the mother.  They’re half and half, caught between their mothers and their booming success.  It’s an insanely intelligent parallel that I applaud the boys for drawing and making so cleverly articulated.

Now I love the song even more. My Kid 1 / young adult son, who has struggled to become a young adult, is on the verge of leaving me and finding his own way in the world. Of course it's part of our bickering. I want him to go. But I know he's not quite ready.

He wants to go. But he knows he's not quite ready.

He's torn. I'm torn.

But between us there is enough love that I will always be there for him. And he is gaining the maturity to realize he someday wants to take care of me, the way I have always taken care of him.

Funny how a simple pop song can sum up your life. And put an end to some of the bickering.

Just A Magical Memorable Thursday Night

You are a Great mom and I think u became a better mom when u became mom And dad !

I've decided that compliment means more to me than any other I've received lately.

Tonight was just a Thursday night. Like most other Thursday nights we've had the past couple years.

But then, something changed.

It started with Kid 5 asking to pick up his friend and go PokemonGo hunting. I, as usual, groaned and told him how tired I was. But then Kid 4, and this is the really weird part, said "oh come on, I'll drive and we'll just go out for a bit."

(Note: Kid 4 has her permit and looks for any excuse to drive. But to help her younger brother hunt Pokemon? No, never.)

While Kid 5 and his friend ran through the park hunting Pokemon, Kid 4 and I sat by the car and listened to 80's and 90's music: Black Eyed Peas, Backstreet Boys, old Gwen Stefani hits. We sat by the car and sang loud. We laughed louder. We even busted out a few dance moves.

Three fun-filled hours later I got this comment on one of my Facebook posts from the evening:

You are a Great mom and I think u became a better mom when u became mom And dad !

Wow. I had to think about that for a minute. And, I think she's right.

I think I did become a bit of a better mom when I took on the role of mom and dad.

After the dust settled from the divorce, and the kids accepted the new reality that they had a father who no longer wanted to be a part of their life, the burden of being mom and dad fell to me.

But with the burden came freedom as well. 

So much of the pressure was off. I was no longer afraid to upset my ex-husband or to make him mad. I no longer was constantly on guard for his next outburst or had to be hyper vigilant to make sure he didn't act out towards the kids.

Both me and the kids were free to finally be ourselves. We now had the freedom to laugh without the fear of angering him. 

At one point tonight, Kid 4 asked if I realized it was already 11:30. 

"Oh, shoot no I didn't. Hey have you heard of MC Hammer," I asked as I started singing along to Can't Touch This. 

We never would have felt comfortable enough to be hanging out in a local park at 11:30pm singing and catching Pokemon. We would have been too afraid of what we would come home to.

But now, yes I am mom and dad, and sometimes, often times, that is a heavy load to carry.

But there are also times, maybe I need to let there be more of these times, that it's a great blessing to be the parent who gets to enjoy my kids as well. 

Join Up Dots Podcast.. and I Quit My Job

I haven't written in three months!

Not just haven't made a blog post, but I haven't written anything besides a grocery list in three months! Actually, if you saw my refrigerator you'd know I haven't even made a grocery list.

I've been busy. Obviously. I fell in to that trap I fall into way too often of working way too much, being way too tired and becoming way depressed. No writing, no exercise, no healthy eating. Just work, work, work.

Now, as a single mom fighting for every bit of child support I can get, I have no choice but to work. And work a lot. But, as I have asked many times before, at what cost?

I've not liked the part time over-night job I had for a long time. But being the overly loyal person I am, I was determined to stick it out. Then a series of family events, combined with changes within the company, combined with sheer exhaustion made me realize I was miserable!

And on the night I was at work when kid number 2 called to tell me he had arrived at boot camp, and as I could hear the drill instructors yelling behind him, and as one of the managers reminded me of the no cell phone policy (yeah like I wasn't going to take that call! Cell phone policy be damned when one of my kids calls!), I broke down crying. Yes, I was crying because kid 2 was gone. But I was also crying because I just couldn't stay in this job any longer.

It occurred to me that this job wasn't getting me anywhere closer to where I wanted to be. Not only wasn't it a career path I wanted, but it wasn't even helping all that much financially.

So, it's gone. I know it was the right decision and I have faith that another career/financial opportunity will present itself soon.

As I was thinking about all this, I remembered the podcast I did a couple months ago. I was a guest on Join Up Dots where the theme of the show is going after what you want in life. I did a lot of talking about not settling for less and taking chances on going after more. All while working a job I didn't like.

In fact, when the interviewer asked me if I was telling others to quit their jobs, I said absolutely not! I would never tell someone else to quit their job. No one can make that decision for anyone else. Only you know when the time is right.

Well, the time was right.

And, as usual, I really should listen to my own advice more often!

Here's the link to the podcast. Please take a listen, share the link via your social  media and even leave a comment on the Join Up Dots site. It really is a cool podcast full of inspirational people!

http://joinupdots.com/podcast/499-jennifer-williams-fields/

But At What Cost #Reverb15

As the year ends, and we look back at the joys, achievements and disappointments of the past twelve months, it's worth taking some time to recognise what our efforts have demanded of us and where our resources have been depleted.

Whether you have spent 2015 bringing some long-cherished project to fruition or simply trying to keep your head above water, it's likely that this has come at some cost to you.

How can you replenish your (physical, mental, spiritual and/or emotional) resources? What do you need most of all at this moment?

Busy, busy, busy. That's me.

But hard work pays off. This year I published my book, wrote a few big pieces that were very well received, began freelancing for a couple independent media sources, worked multiple part time jobs, oh yeah and still was full time mom to my six kids.

But at what cost?

Well, I'm tired. My back hurts from my new night job. I don't do nearly as much non-assigned writing as I used to.

I stayed married for 23 years because I thought it would be best for the kids. But at what cost?
I hope my daughters don't grow up to think they, too,  need to endure addiction and abuse just because they took a vow.

I finally divorced from the bad marriage and took on sole custody of the six kids. But at what cost?
I don't know how being raised by a mom, with a dad who never shows up for events or visitation, will affect my kids when they become parents.

I work multiple jobs to keep us financially afloat so the kids don't have to go without too much. But at what cost?
I wonder if they will look back and know mom did the best she could or if they will look back and realize they didn't get all the same perks their friends did.

My writing that has garnered the most attention has been open and raw and honest. I've received amazing feedback from people thanking me for letting them know they aren't alone. But at what cost? I've also had some truly horrible comments made to me. Hurtful, vile comments from anonymous trolls on the Internet.

But at what cost is always the question.

Recently, three unrelated people asked me if I'm dating. When I laughed and said no they asked why. When would I possibly have the time? The energy? Their point wasn't that I should actually be dating, I know what they really meant was I need to make time for me. To make sure I am taken care of as well.

Yes, I not only understand but agree.  I've turned down two offers to travel these past few months. The cost (not even necessarily financial) was just too high.

I suppose I could take a night off of work. Or splurge and get a pedicure. Right now I'm staying up way too late to write.

But, as always, at what cost?

This post is part of #Reverb15, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul. 

#NightofConversation with Dr. Oz

I am honored and crazy excited to have my latest piece posted to Dr. Oz The Good Life Magazine.

Even more flattering, it is being posted in conjunction with Dr. Oz's #NightofConversation. From his website:

In partnership with SAMHSA, NIDA, and the National Council on Behavioral Health, Dr. Oz is asking families across American to hold a #NightofConversation on Thursday, November 17, 2015. At that evening's dinner, he is asking parents to speak with their children about addiction. A discussion guide is available here. Dr. Oz is also asking everyone to post a picture of an empty dinner plate on social media on the 17th as a symbol that this special meal is not about the food, but instead about the conversation.​

I hate that I have become knowledgeable enough about addiction to be able to write about it. But, if any good can come of the pain my family has been through due to addictive behaviors, I hope that it can open up a conversation about the need for better mental health care and more accessible treatment options.

Please click the link, read, share with your friends, and talk to your kids.

My Family Has Learned Things About Addiction We Never Wanted To Know

Snap Out Of It!

It was time. I needed an attitude adjustment. And I needed it to be brutally honest.

The most honest, effective thing I needed to tell myself was:

Yeah Jennifer, snap the F* out of it!

I began #AugustMoon15 whining about what if when I get a "real job" I don't have time to write anymore? What if I get a "real job" and hate it so much that I lose my desire or energy to write? Being a "real" writer is all I've ever wanted to do and if I go back to work (by necessity because mortgage companies don't really care so much about artistic endeavors), I won't be able to call myself a writer anymore.

And I know from past experience that when I am working a full time soul crushing job I am not a happy person.

But then, as usual, my yoga and writing friends reminded me of a few simple truths:

1 - If you write you are a writer.
2 - If I insist on defining being a writer as being published well then yeah I've got that covered too.
3 - I've always written and will always write even if I am working full time outside of the writing field.
4 - Yes, if I wasn't raising six kids by myself I probably could go live in a beach cottage somewhere and spend my days living a bohemian artistic existence without worry of bill collectors.
5 - But, I am responsible for six other people so quit looking at 'what if' and start focusing on 'what is'.
6 - When I was working full time I somehow managed to still be there for my kids when they needed me.

The real kicker in all this is I have been out of work since March and no one has even offered me a job. And, yes, I have been giving it an honest legitimate effort at finding a full time work.

I'm so convinced I'm going to hate this unknown future job and I don't even have the job yet!

So snap out of it and stop projecting negativity into the unknown!

Find Me Now At YourTango

I'm thrilled to announce I'm now writing for YourTango!

YourTango is a hip, flirty website for women of all ages. 

My first post for them can be found here:

5 Brutally Honest Tips For Dating A Single Mom (As Written By One)

Now I'm Writing at Rebelle Society!

I am so excited!

My first post has just been published at Rebelle Society!

Freedom From A Self-Imposed Sexual Prison

I always appreciate you commenting on the post and, of course, sharing the link with your friends and on social media.

The Really Real Reality Of Life As A Single Mom

THIS IS THE STUFF NO ONE TALKS ABOUT

Please click the link to my newest Elephant Journal post.

I shed a few tears while I was writing it.

If you like the post too, please Tweet it, share it, Facebook it or do any other social media thing there is to pass it around.

Will You Listen To Me One Last Time?

Story Starter Wednesday

Let's just stop.

It's been almost 3 years. No, it's been more than 20 years.

You're mad at me. OK I can live with that.

I'm mad at you. I've lived with that a long time too.

The kids are hurting and the lawyers are getting rich.

Do you even remember why? Me neither.

Can we call a truce?

Let's move away from the hate and go back to the way things used to be. Let's go back to a time when all the fighting and anger wasn't there. Let's go back to better times.

Let's go back to indifference.

We lived that way a long time. It seemed to work.

Let's try that again.



Find weekly Story Starter Wednesday prompts at Wolf and Word.

Going To Sleep and Waking Up A Bit More Peacefully

Up until recently when I lay down in bed at night my mind was out of control with to-do lists, financial worries, stress of being a single working mom, worry about people in my life that were hurting, work concerns and anything else my brain could find to be worried about.

And then when I woke up in the morning, or a couple times during the night, it began all over again. What about this work situation? How will I get the girls to dance on time? Will this person I care about be OK? What about this person? What am I going to do about ...

And then I lost my job.

I should be more stressed right? More worried. The anxiety should probably cause me to lose even more sleep.

Nope. 

Now when I go to bed at night I am grateful for the opportunity to be there for my kids during the day when they need me. I am hopeful about the financial opportunities presenting themselves. I sleep peacefully.

When I wake up, I wake up without the resentment of having to face another crappy day. I wake up looking forward to my day, which is surprisingly busy for not having a full-time job just yet. I am less stressed with the kids in the morning and I don't look at my to-do list with dread. 

I wake up happy.

This post is part of #AprilMoon15, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe the Weary Soul.

A Place For Poets & Lovers

The last time I felt completely relaxed was...

September 18, 2014 sitting at the top of a waterfall in Portland, Oregon.

It was quiet and peaceful.

I remember saying this was a place for poets and lovers.

I remember thinking I could be happy here.













My legs were muddy from the hike up the mountain. I had taken off
my shoes to soak my feet in the cold water.


I was completely stress free and content.







This post is part of #AprilMoon15, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words to Soothe The Weary Soul

Giving Birth To A New Life

Giving birth doesn't have to be literal. So far in my life I have birthed...

Giving birth to six kids wasn't the hard part. 

The agony I experienced, the crying, the screaming, the bearing down and pushing through the pain I never could have imagined, was all to birth a safe, happy home for my kids.

I'm embarrassed and saddened to admit my home wasn't always happy. And it wasn't always safe. I had to fight to create a life where my kids could invite friends over for late night gaming marathons without fear of a parent embarrassing them.  I worked hard to create a home where the neighbors heard laughter not anger from our open windows on summer nights. I endured a lot of pain before my home became a place we wanted to run to, not run away from.

Yes, I gave birth to six kids. More importantly I birthed a happy, safe, loving environment for them to grow in.

This post is part of #AprilMoon15, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

The Muse vs. The Master

Last night I was reminded I was a teacher.

I didn't exactly forget this little tidbit. I still taught three classes a week but I was kind of on autopilot. I felt like my passion was missing.

I desperately want to attend a yoga training to reignite my fire. I need to attend a training. I always return refreshed and inspired. But financially that's just not possible right now.

Then last night as I was teaching to a new student I had one of those moments where I swear I heard the Universe say "This! This right here is what you are supposed to be doing." I've actually had moments like this before. Apparently I need reminded of it regularly.

Also this week I was reminded I was a writer.

Again, I didn't exactly forget this fact. I've written sporadically but not nearly as often as I want to or as I used to. I haven't had the creative energy to write for about a year now. I've just been zapped by life.

Then I got an email offering me a writing opportunity. A writing opportunity that paid money! Hey, get paid for something I enjoy doing? Well OK then! And the timing was perfect considering I'm currently unemployed and looking for a new full time job.

When I told my kids about the email Kid 2 said "well you better sit your butt down and start pumping out some words!"

And pump out some words I did. So far it has been received really well and I'm waiting to hear back to see if we can turn this into a regular paying gig.

So I'm a little unsure where I should be putting my focus right now. Obviously I'm sending out resumes daily for a full time job to pay the bills. But my creative side is also fighting to re-emerge.

My heart says "Go! Follow your bliss! Write. Teach yoga. Walk the beach and drink wine!"

My responsible logical brains says "Girl, be for real."

I can't help but wonder if this is the Universe's way of telling me that I am a creative soul and my soul needs nourished. And encouraging me to find a way to pay the bills with writing and yoga.

Or it's just wishful thinking and I'm grateful for this time I have now. The responsible thing for me to do is to follow the path to a full time job that pays the bills but runs the risk of withering my soul.

But maybe, just maybe, if I stay open enough to possibility, a different path will present itself that allows me to flourish both creatively and financially.

This post is part of #AprilMoon15 a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Little Ms. Fix It

One of the things  I didn't anticipate after getting divorced was my new-found handyman handywoman skills.

At first I was paralyzed when it came time for fix-it repairs around the house. I wouldn't even attempt to fix something I would just pick up the phone and call a friend. Thankfully, I have many good friends who rushed over to help.

Then I became angry at having to call friends to help me. I was married for 23 years and the person who used to do the repairs left and I am so mad at him well I will just show him and I will fix this myself! I became quite good at fixing just about anything with a screwdriver and duct tape. One night while sitting on the kitchen floor I even took a picture of myself fixing the refrigerator door. I posted it with the caption "F*** you refrigerator!"

Eventually, and thankfully, the anger began to leave and instead some confidence slowly crept in. The kitchen faucet can no longer be fixed with duct tape? Hmmm, how hard could a new one be to put in? The salesperson at Lowes assured me all faucets were universal and it was no big deal to install a new one.

He lied.

But instead of sitting on the floor crying and saying "F*** you sink!", I googled 'how to replace a faucet'. I did end up having to call a friend that night.  But it turns out I wasn't installing it wrong. I just have an old house with weird plumbing and we had to be a little creative in how we ran the hoses.

When I had no hot water for a week, an old friend came over to fix it. I told him "No I want to do it myself you just tell me how." So for a couple hours on a Friday night we sat there with him giving directions and me actually doing the work. I am grateful for his patience. I counted only three times that he said "Are you sure you turned the power off" and only twice did he say "Just let me do it."

Tonight I asked Kid 2 where the saw was so I could fix Kid 5's bed. He just looked at me and said "Umm, in the garage. Why? Wait I'll help you."

Well I didn't want to wait. So I grabbed some boards and started cutting. Kid 2 heard the noise and came out and did end up finishing the job. But I had most of it done already!

I think my friends are also more confident in my fix-it abilities. A couple weeks ago I needed to replace the ceiling fan in the girls bedroom. So I pulled up a YouTube video that showed this woman taking out an old ceiling fan and putting in a new one all by herself. She said it's very simple to do and doesn't require any assistance.

She lied.

There is no way I could hold the new ceiling fan up with one hand and run the wires with the other hand. So I did require some assistance but only because I only have two hands.

When my work was finished I took a picture and sent it to the friend who helped me with the hot water heater last year.

He didn't ask if I had turned the power off.
He didn't ask if I knew the wiring was green to green and white to white.
He didn't ask why I didn't call him.

He simply said Good Job!

When I was searching for an image for this post I found this book for sale on Amazon. I've already ordered it and look forward to my next fix-it project!

Hope

Two months since I've written a post.

A long stressful winter.

Gray and dreary skies.

Heartache and a scary uncertain future.

But today, the rain stopped and the sun shone.

Daffodils began to pop up and open through the muddy ground.

Frogs were croaking in the waterlogged ditches.

I turned my face to the sun and breathed deeply.

In that moment I was happy.

I was confident.

I was calm.

For the first time in a long time I had hope.

Ending With Certainty: #reverb14 Day 21

Today, I'd like you to revisit what you wrote on 1 December on the first day of Reverb14.
How does that compare to where you are now i.e. what can you say today with certainty?

On the first day of #reverb14 I wrote a pretty dark and depressing post. At the time, I meant everything I said and even now I don't feel the need to take any of it back. The only thing I can say right now with absolute certainty is I still know nothing.

I don't know the future.
I don't know the reasons for everything in my past.
I don't know on some nights how I will make it through the next day, month, year.
I don't know the answers to so many questions I continue to ask.

However, after a few weeks of purging my demons into blog posts and a bit of an emotional breakdown, I am certain of a few things.

I know I have friends who care about me.
I know I am intelligent and have value to offer to the person who is open to accepting it.
I know that the only person in my life I really have any control over is myself.
I know the only thing stopping me from living a life worth living is me.

Then, without thinking too hard about it, grab a pen and some paper and finish the following sentences:
In 2015, I am open to...

Possibility.

In 2015, I want to feel...

Genuine happiness. Love. A sense of accomplishment.

In 2015, I will say no to...

Those who make me feel worthless. Myself when I tell myself I'm not good enough.

In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when… 

I am living my life with ease. My life may not be easy, but I won't be muscling my way through trying to force the world around me to conform, only causing me more suffering.

But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly…

Force myself back into what I know works: self care, exercise, sleep, asking for help.

In December 2015, I want to look back and say...

This is the year I finally stopped saying "I'm going to..." and instead say " I did...".

This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Don't Be An A**hole: #reverb14 Day 17

How can you stop being an a**hole, get out of your own way and make room for more of your magic to happen in 2015?

Today I was a real asshole. In fact, before I even saw this prompt I used the word asshole in referring to my behavior today.

Actually for the past few weeks I've been an asshole. It just all became clear today how much of an asshole I've really been.

It's been a rough patch lately and once again I've been hurt and feel abandoned. So, being the "I'm so strong I don't need anyone" type that I am, I retreated to my usual defense mechanisms and pulled back from the world.

My defense mechanisms have been fine-tuned over time and I'm so good at them, I rarely even notice when I first begin to go into safety mode.

• Step one: Pull back from those who care about me.
• Step two: Stop sleeping.
• Step three: Feel defeated and see the future as hopeless.
• Step four: Lash out at those closest to me in an attempt to drive them away, thus proving to myself that no one really cares about me anyway. 
• Step five: Break down crying out of exhaustion, desperation and fear.

It works every time.

Well it works to get me to the point of breaking down crying out of exhaustion, desperation and fear. And then those closest to me, who have endured my wrath patiently, will wrap their arms around me and remind me that I really don't need to always be the strong one. And maybe if I'd just open myself to the possibility of being loved, I would see that I truly am loved.

And then I cry some more. And finally sleep.

It's a pattern I have repeated all too often in my life. And I'm grateful that those closest to me are there to see me through it each time. And are there to pick me up at the end.

In 2015, I'd really really like to stop being so much of an asshole. I'd like to learn to reach out for help instead of retreating out of fear. And opening myself up to the possibility of, well, possibility.


This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.