Maturing In My Yoga Practice

This past weekend I attended a two-day yoga teacher training. It's the first one I've been to in over a year.

Yoga teacher trainings are tiring, long, brain intensive and absolutely delightful. It's one of the very rare times I feel like I truly belong.

Yoga teacher trainings always give me a good reminder of my dharma.

This year though, I attended training with a big clunky boot cast on my foot. Six weeks ago I fractured my foot, sprained my ankle and did some damage to the ligaments in the ankle. Yeah me! I've got a couple more weeks to go in the boot and then physical therapy.

When it was time for the yoga practice part of the day, everyone looked at me and my boot.

Oh, no worries, I'm taking this thing off and doing some yoga!

As a yoga teacher, I'm always telling my students to ground evenly through their feet. Spread the toes. Root down in order to lift up.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, mother **%*, damn that hurts! And all I did was try to spread my toes.

Now, in years past, I would have been totally willing to amputate the foot myself and keep going. In times past, there was no way I would even consider not keeping up with the class or not finding the full expression of the poses.

But, this time, I accepted down dog was out of the question. I was fine with modifying the poses and in a couple cases, even doing a completely different pose that was accessible to me while the class did something else.

I think I'm actually, finally, maturing in my yoga practice.

After ten years, 500 hours of Yoga Alliance recognized teacher trainings, I can't even count how many hours of teaching, my own hit or miss yoga practice, I do believe I am now practicing yoga.

Yoga as it is meant to be practiced.

The Muse vs. The Master

Last night I was reminded I was a teacher.

I didn't exactly forget this little tidbit. I still taught three classes a week but I was kind of on autopilot. I felt like my passion was missing.

I desperately want to attend a yoga training to reignite my fire. I need to attend a training. I always return refreshed and inspired. But financially that's just not possible right now.

Then last night as I was teaching to a new student I had one of those moments where I swear I heard the Universe say "This! This right here is what you are supposed to be doing." I've actually had moments like this before. Apparently I need reminded of it regularly.

Also this week I was reminded I was a writer.

Again, I didn't exactly forget this fact. I've written sporadically but not nearly as often as I want to or as I used to. I haven't had the creative energy to write for about a year now. I've just been zapped by life.

Then I got an email offering me a writing opportunity. A writing opportunity that paid money! Hey, get paid for something I enjoy doing? Well OK then! And the timing was perfect considering I'm currently unemployed and looking for a new full time job.

When I told my kids about the email Kid 2 said "well you better sit your butt down and start pumping out some words!"

And pump out some words I did. So far it has been received really well and I'm waiting to hear back to see if we can turn this into a regular paying gig.

So I'm a little unsure where I should be putting my focus right now. Obviously I'm sending out resumes daily for a full time job to pay the bills. But my creative side is also fighting to re-emerge.

My heart says "Go! Follow your bliss! Write. Teach yoga. Walk the beach and drink wine!"

My responsible logical brains says "Girl, be for real."

I can't help but wonder if this is the Universe's way of telling me that I am a creative soul and my soul needs nourished. And encouraging me to find a way to pay the bills with writing and yoga.

Or it's just wishful thinking and I'm grateful for this time I have now. The responsible thing for me to do is to follow the path to a full time job that pays the bills but runs the risk of withering my soul.

But maybe, just maybe, if I stay open enough to possibility, a different path will present itself that allows me to flourish both creatively and financially.

This post is part of #AprilMoon15 a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Conduits & Listening: #reverb14 Days 4 & 5

We are all lightning rods, conduits for that which the Universe wants born into this world. What energies did you channel this year?

What is the sound of your own voice?

I'm slightly behind already in #reverb14. Although, no. I'm not behind. These posts just needed a couple extra days to swim through my brain before my writing soul was ready to put them to paper.

I absolutely believe that we are all bundles of energy and each interaction is an exchange of energy. I know that I get anxious when I'm around people whose energy is negative and drags me down. I have learned I am actually quite intuitive regarding other people and I know by now to believe when my intuition tells me someones energy is not positive.

I've said for many years that being a yoga teacher is fabulous, yet also requires so much energy. Not just physical energy. Not just mental/intellectual energy. But spiritual energy. Healing energy.

In the past year I've realized and accepted that despite my love of teaching, despite not having a fear of public speaking and despite everyone elses perception of me, I am actually an introvert. Sure I don't mind being in the front of the room. But I also need time to retreat to recover and be alone. I don't mind large groups. But even in the middle of a large group I often feel isolated.

I have had students that, although I love them and I love the challenge they present, they just mentally drain me. They take so much of my energy I literally feel exhausted after teaching them.

I've been told I'm a good yoga teacher. And I know I put my heart and soul in to it. I've been told I have good energy. But it's an area I make far more deposits than withdrawals.

But sometimes, when I really really need it most, yet won't admit it, I am forced to make a withdraw.

More than once these past few weeks previous students of mine have come to my aid. They know I've been struggling and they know me well enough to know that part of my struggle is being there for everyone else and making sure they are OK. While neglecting myself when I'm not OK.

These women, who had one time stood on their mat in front of me so unsure of themselves, have sought me out and reminded me of what I have taught them. They have used my own words against me. Not against me. They have used my own words and directed them to me, for me.

My voice when I teach yoga is different than in normal conversation. When I step foot in to the yoga room my tone, clarity and cadence change without me being conscious of it. As I've spoken to these women, their voices have changed. Even if it's not in person, I can feel their energy leaning in to me. Whispering to me to ground myself and find my balance.

They have become the conduit for my own voice to reverberate back to me.

This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.