Myth vs. Fact: How Yoga Helps Detox Your Body

The body’s detoxification systems are designed to run without any external forces. A regular yoga practice, including vigorous asana and pranayama, as part of an overall wellness plan, can help the natural detox system run more efficiently

Other ways to help your body run at a prime level include:

Limit your intake of high-fat foods and alcohol to maintain a healthy liver.

Drink plenty of water to help the digestive tract flow smoothly and to eliminate waste.

Replace prepackaged food with whole food.

Limit or avoid chemicals in self-care products such as lotion and makeup.

Participate in a regular exercise routine.

Click here to read Myth vs. Fact: How Yoga Helps Detox Your

Yoga for Addiction: 7 Ways Yoga Can Support Your Treatment Program

7 Ways Yoga Can Complement a 12-Step Strategy

Yoga makes a natural companion to 12-step programs in a variety of other ways as well:

1. Teaching pranayama, or controlled breathing, to gain control of thoughts and emotions
2. Emphasizing the spiritual connection through meditation and prayer
3. Gaining a sense of self-discipline to avoid impulsive or negative actions
4. Releasing negative energy through movement with the asanas
5. Developing a sense of accomplishment leading to increased self-esteem and decreased feelings of inadequacy
6. Creating a stronger, healthier body leading to a stronger, healthier mind
7. Developing a connection to other like-minded yogis in recovery

Click here to read Yoga For Addiction: 7 Ways Yoga Can Support Your Treatment Program

Practice More Yoga, More Often, For A Healthier Happier Life

What yogis have long believed to be true, that yoga is a fountain of youth, science has recently begun to prove.

• Practicing more physical poses related to improved sleep, diet, and a lower BMI.
• Practicing more breath work and meditation led to increased mindfulness and subjective well-being.
• A frequent practice of gentle restorative poses was associated with higher fruit and vegetable consumption, higher rates of vegetarianism and lower alcohol consumption.

Click here to read the rest of 

Practice More Yoga, More Often, For A Healthier Happier Life

Maturing In My Yoga Practice

This past weekend I attended a two-day yoga teacher training. It's the first one I've been to in over a year.

Yoga teacher trainings are tiring, long, brain intensive and absolutely delightful. It's one of the very rare times I feel like I truly belong.

Yoga teacher trainings always give me a good reminder of my dharma.

This year though, I attended training with a big clunky boot cast on my foot. Six weeks ago I fractured my foot, sprained my ankle and did some damage to the ligaments in the ankle. Yeah me! I've got a couple more weeks to go in the boot and then physical therapy.

When it was time for the yoga practice part of the day, everyone looked at me and my boot.

Oh, no worries, I'm taking this thing off and doing some yoga!

As a yoga teacher, I'm always telling my students to ground evenly through their feet. Spread the toes. Root down in order to lift up.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, mother **%*, damn that hurts! And all I did was try to spread my toes.

Now, in years past, I would have been totally willing to amputate the foot myself and keep going. In times past, there was no way I would even consider not keeping up with the class or not finding the full expression of the poses.

But, this time, I accepted down dog was out of the question. I was fine with modifying the poses and in a couple cases, even doing a completely different pose that was accessible to me while the class did something else.

I think I'm actually, finally, maturing in my yoga practice.

After ten years, 500 hours of Yoga Alliance recognized teacher trainings, I can't even count how many hours of teaching, my own hit or miss yoga practice, I do believe I am now practicing yoga.

Yoga as it is meant to be practiced.

Blog Hop 2014

Last week I opened an email from my good friend and fellow blogger Natalie over at May the Schwartz Be With You. Now I love Natalie dearly, however, her email made me groan and want to throw things at her.

Natalie sent me what was basically a chain letter (they still exist?) inviting me to participate in a "Blog Hop." A blog hop is where one blogger nominates other bloggers to answer a few basic questions.

Ugh. But Natalie is smart and she knows me well enough to know exactly what to say to get me to agree:

"The point is, I really like you and would like to see your answers to these questions. Mainly because I know you need to write more.  It's cathartic and therapeutic."

Double Ugh. But when I saw Natalie at dance that week I agreed to write the post. So here we go.

Why do I keep a blog?

Well, my even beginning to blog is because of Natalie as well! She was blogging and I enjoyed reading her posts. I had told her that in my pre-mom days I was a writer and I missed writing. But that blogging was kind of dumb and narcissistic. I don't care what celebrity bloggers have to say and who would care what I have to say?

But she convinced me to at least give it a try. My first post was August 25, 2012. I wrote about my experience with Bikram Yoga, titled Yoga, Tuna & Heat. It's still one of my most favorite posts and, interestingly, still frequently pops up on my stats board as being recently being read. 

With that first blog I was bitten. The urge to write was reawakened within me. I didn't know what to expect and I honestly figured no one would read it anyway.  I had no idea where the blog would lead. The nights I'd write with tears falling on the keyboard during my mom's death from cancer.  The times I'd ache to write but couldn't get the words out during the unexpected ending of my 23 year marriage in a divorce.  And even the times I was so excited I was writing the posts in my head before I could get home to my Mac. 

This blog led to another interesting place too. It turns out a few people did actually read my blog. The right people liked what I wrote and invited me to write for Elephant Journal. Those posts led to being invited into a writers group. And finally it led to me writing my own book. 

(Shameless plug: Creating A Joyful Life: The Lessons I Learned From Yoga and My Mom available for purchase - well someday. )

So I guess I really owe Natalie for helping me fulfill a life-long dream and writing a book. I hope she will accept payment in ever-lasting love and gratitude.

What motivates me to teach yoga?

This sounds all new agey and woo woo, but I feel called to teach yoga. When I'm teaching is one of the rare times I feel content and confident. Similar to blogging, I kind of fell into teaching yoga. I was

Legs Up The Wall with
my class for savassana one night

a high impact cardio girl that just happened to also teach Pilate's. One day the yoga teacher didn't show up and so my boss asked me to fill in. I had no idea what I was doing. But I figured OK I'll get some training and see where this goes. By my second training weekend I knew this yoga thing was for me. A year or so later I made my first trip to Los Angeles to train and after that week everything changed both for me and within me.

I was a yoga teacher. This feeling, this activity, this "thing" is what I had been searching for. I have said before and I will say it again, yoga saved my life. Although I was all smiles at the gym, I was in a bad place in my private life. I truly believe if I hadn't found yoga when I did that I would not be sitting here right now the (mostly) sane, (mostly) confident, (mostly) put together woman I am.

What is/are my greatest strengths?

I never know how to answer this question. People tell me all the time how strong I am being a single mom of six kids.  How brave I am for fighting for what is right.  How proud they are of me. 

I don't see it. I see only that I've done what I needed to do to keep my family healthy, safe and happy. I've held my kids as they cried and turned into psycho mom defending them when someone tried to hurt them. I've done what all good moms are supposed to do. I hope.

Being organized, sometimes to a fault, is one of my strengths. It has to be with a large family. I've been told many times I'm "controlling." Well yeah, of course I am. How could I not be controlling with six kids and an alcoholic husband. It was the only way to tame the chaos. 

I am very guarded but also very loyal. Once I allow you into my inner circle you are in and I will fight for you till the end. I've stayed loyal to the wrong people for too long in the past, but I believe I now have a better sense of who to trust and who is worthy of trust.

What is my proudest moment?

Well, I'm pretty proud of my six kids. They are smart, funny and kind. Like all siblings do, they fight over everything. And I mean everything. But they will also turn and defend their siblings in a heartbeat. In fact we have the story of a broken hand earned in a fight by Kid 2 defending his younger girl cousin. And many stories of the brothers coming to the aid of their siblings during times of distress. 

I'm proud that I finally wrote my book. I can remember from the time I was very young saying I'm going to write a book. It took a long time, a really long time. But I did it.

Look closely at the kids hands. They each chose a word
to describe our family. 

I'm proud of the life I've built for my kids post divorce. My home is a happier place to be now. My kids now know that home is a place you should never feel afraid. Everyone in my house, and in my life, gets told regularly that I love them. And that's not a phrase I use lightly. If I tell you I love than it's real. I love you.  

If forced to pick just one, I'd say my proudest moment is when all six kids, and maybe some assorted
friends, are all in my house and I hear their laughter. Yes, that's definitely it. My proudest moment is happy, healthy kids.

Geez that was more work than I thought it was going to be! But now to nominate two bloggers I'd like to introduce you to.

First is Anita at Moon Fairy Life and Dreams. Anita is a fellow yoga teacher and soul sister. We both have a large family and full time jobs so we don't see each other nearly as often as we'd like. And, because it's true, I'm going to steal Natalie's line here: I'd really like to read more from her and because I know she needs to write more. It's cathartic and therapeutic.

Second is Rick Watson at Life 101.  Rick and his wife Jilda are both writers, singers and songwriters. Rick also often posts amazing pictures he takes with his iPhone of rural Alabama where he lives.

Natalie thought she would get an award for procrastinating because she didn't post until one hour before her Blog Hop was due. Well, my dear friend,  I did what you asked. And I did it with a full ten minutes to spare before it's due date!

Phoenix Rising - Soon

Phoenix by Amy Brown
amybrownart.com

"2013 was your Phoenix year"

Yes, but the Phoenix rose up from the ashes and soared. My wings are still a bit dirty and I'm still
practicing taking offs.

I'm nowhere close to flying.

I still have days filled with self doubt and a big time lack of confidence. I take full responsibility for this being my issue. No matter what anyone says, only I have the power to allow myself to feel small. I've gotten much better about not listening to those who want to bring me down. What I still struggle with though is listening to my own voices telling me I'm not good enough.

Some days the voices whisper. Some days they shout.

And on days like today when they are shouting at me I don't know how to shut them up.

So when someone says something nice to me I don't know how to respond except list all the ways they are wrong.  It's how I play nice with my voices.

Now logically I know that playing nice and keeping the peace has never gotten me where I wanted to be. But it's what I'm used to. Be a good girl, don't cause trouble. Just be quiet because it probably won't work anyway.

I know I will never rise and fly until I reframe my thinking. What if I do speak up? What if it does work out?

Instead of asking what is the worst that can happen, I want to start asking what is the best that can happen?

Maybe finally then those voices in my head will shut the f* up.

And I will fly.

Vision Boards

It's that time of year again when all my creative, artsy fartsy yoga fairy friends are making vision boards.  My friends Rick and Jilda Watson have created and blogged about their vision boards as long as I've known them. But, then again, Rick and Jilda are artists and musicians and so they have that creative spirit.

I don't consider myself artsy. I don't like crafts. By my own admission my brain is often too steeped in reality. I'm not much into magical thinking. I know from experience that wishing to lose 10 pounds or to find some lost money doesn't make a skinny body with a heavy wallet into reality.

But this vision board thing is interesting. And since I'm now in the process of reinventing my life it seems like the perfect time to really sit down and figure out what I want.

My understanding is that a vision board isn't just magical or wishful thinking. It's to find clarity on what I want to manifest and then placing those images not only onto paper, but into my subconscious where they can percolate and guide the choices I make this year.

The board itself doesn't impact reality; what changes your life is the process of creating the images—combinations of objects and events that will stick in your subconscious mind and steer your choices toward making the vision real.

(Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Make-a-Vision-Board-Find-Your-Life-Ambition-Martha-Beck/2#ixzz2ovCu5FAc)

I don't have a  picture of my vision board to show here because it's not done yet.  I know myself too well. I'll have the tendency to squash my artsy fairy side and be too realistic and logical about it all. So I'm going to take my time and slowly gather images to include as I find them.

I'm looking forward to creating the image of a new life.

Forward: #reverb13 Day 20

Forward is the only direction.

The mirror never lies, but everything in it is backwards. 

Look at what you see in the mirror. How does it change if you view yourself with eyes that can only look forward?

When I look in the mirror I finally see what everyone has been telling me they see for the past year:

I am better.
I am healthy.
I am happy.
I now have the opportunity to make my life what I want it to be.

And it's ok that I'm not always exactly sure what I see for my future because I finally believe I have a future.


This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Intentions: #reverb13 Day 14

What are your best intentions for 2014? How do you see yourself actualizing those intentions?

A few years ago I wrote a post titled These Are Not New Years Resolutions. Then two years later I wrote Letter To The Universe.  I'm good at setting intentions.

Not necessarily as good at fulfilling those intentions.

So here I go again: a list of intentions for 2014. With everything that has happened the past year, I believe it's time to get real and make my intentions real. 

• Pay it forward

Each Christmas it's a family tradition to always put money into the Salvation Army kettle any time we see one. Family legend tells that when my grandfather was a child during The Depression, it was the Salvation Army that kept him and his family alive one long, cold winter. Probably 80 years later now and we are still saying thank you.

A few years ago I was walking with the kids through downtown Philadelphia. We passed by a man in a wheelchair holding a sign that said "homeless vet."  Kid 2, at the time maybe 14 years old, turned around, pulled a few dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the man. As we continued to walk on the guy yelled to me "You've got a fine boy there ma'am."  Yes, I do. Even though we never really know if someone is homeless or it's a scam, my kids believe it's best to err on the side of caution. I've seen them hand over their own money numerous times. 

Fast forward to now and so many people have been generous to me and my family that I can never repay them all. As with any true act of generosity though, they don't want to be paid back and in many cases they don't even want acknowledged for their acts of kindness. So, I will be on the lookout for ways to continue to pay it forward any time and any way I can. 

• Write more. Write more often. Just write. 

Well, yes I've already put it out there that I am re-committed to finishing my book.  But I also have numerous blog ideas, half written blogs and notes entered into my iPhone. Inspiration never hits me when it's convenient. It usually happens when I'm driving and all I can do is dictate into my phone and hope I don't forget about it. 

My friends Rick and Jilda are fellow bloggers who write every single day. Even during the tornadoes that destroyed their town last year, they managed to continue to blog regularly. I not only admire that but I know it also makes them better writers. In fact, it helped Rick with the discipline he needed to write his book. (Hint, hint to self.)

• Rewrite my story

Looking back over my blog and now participating in #reverb13, I realize how much of my writing lately centers around my divorce. It's a necessary part of the cathartic process for me so I'm allowing myself to continue to write about it, for now. Eventually though the time will come that I am no longer Jennifer, the one who got divorced. I'll rewrite my story to become Jennifer, the one who.....

• Let go of the guilt

It's time to let go of why wasn't I good enough? Why did I stay when I so obviously shouldn't? It's time to cut myself some slack on the parenting mistakes I've made and will continue to make.  It's become too heavy to carry the guilt of making myself a priority. Whether that means taking a yoga class, getting a massage, going for a walk or just taking some time alone to recharge, I need it to not only thrive but to survive so that I can be everything to everyone.

• Be more open

This is something that has been gnawing at me lately. I'm only beginning to be able to put it into words for myself, so I'll leave at I'd like to be more open to any and all opportunities that the Universe has in store for me in 2014. 

This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Elephant Journal.

Community: #reverb13 Day 13

The phrase “It takes a village” is often bandied about, in reference to child-rearing, running a business, just about everything. But if you’re anything like me, you may not be a natural born collaborator.

In 2014, how could you explore what community means to you?

It might be a question of sharing the load, asking for help or signing on someone with a complementary skill set. Or it could be about a creative collaboration that pushes you to explore new ideas and media.

I have always kept my circle of trust tightly closed and well guarded. 

For years this was done for self preservation and protection. Since I was (poorly) hiding a bad marriage to an alcoholic, I had a brave front to put on to the world that all is good and I am happy. Very few people knew the truth of my marital problems. And I naively thought I had everyone else convinced there were no problems. 

When the marriage finally exploded in such a painful and public way, I had to pull my trusted circle of friends even closer and tighter. People I thought I could trust betrayed me. Friends I thought were friends crept away rather than face the ugliness of the truth. I had a lot of work to do making a new life for me and the kids and I didn't trust anyone but myself to get us there. Too many times I didn't even trust myself.

I quickly realized though that building a new life was going to be far too labor intensive to do alone. 

First, I needed a job to not only support me and the kids, but also one that would allow me the freedom to still be the hands-on mom I've always been. Fortunately, someone quickly stepped up and took a chance on me to help run his business. Although I had no choice but to trust him initially, I made it quite clear I was gone as soon as something else came along.  I'm now at the end of the one year I promised him and am thrilled to know that I will be continuing on in my position into 2014. What began as strictly a business relationship has evolved into a valued friendship of mutual trust, not just in business matters but in life as well.

Nanny Lindsey sneaking a pic on one
of her summer outings with my kids.

I needed help being a single mom to six kids. Again, help arrived in an unexpected place. My staff at work is young, very young. Their average age is about 21. They are busy with college, boys, dance clubs, boys, planning their own future and boys. Yet when I had to bring my kids to work they were right there engaging with them. The young guy at work developed an older brother-younger brother type friendship with kid 5 that my son looks forward to. 

Even when not on the clock, a couple of the girls have really stepped up to help with the kids. "Nanny  Lindsey" was a lifesaver for me this summer. On her days off from the fitness center she would take my kids on field trips to the zoo, swimming, movies and for snow cone treats. Although a good 20 years younger than me, Nanny Lindsey has evolved from employee, to nanny, to friend and finally to a part of our family. It actually took two of my staff girls to help me out when I recently went out of town. They arranged their own busy schedules to get my girls to their dance classes each night. We jokingly call Kelly the "nanny in training" although there's really no training involved. Love my kids, protect them and you are invited into my circle.

I've written here before praising my staff. I'm honored that they allow me to be not just their boss but their friend as well. 

When I was married I had lots of "friends" to socialize with as part of a couple. Now that I'm single, my friend list is whittled down drastically. Those old friends left on my now shortened friends list are the ones who were there for me during the worst of times. They were the ones who stepped up to keep things together when I was falling apart. They will be on my friends list forever.

Once you are in my inner sanctum, you are a part of my family. Although others tried to tear my immediate family apart this year, what really ended up happening was my community expanded and in extension grew my family. 

This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words to Soothe The Weary Soul.

Auto-Pilot: #reverb 13 Day 10

Living life on auto-pilot can feel disorienting and dull. How did you cultivate a life worth loving during 2013?

How can you turn off your auto-pilot button in 2014?

This post was meant to be tonight.

Today, I fulfilled a life-long dream and took my first flying lesson. No more living on auto-pilot for

this girl!

Driving there I figured I would probably just get to be a passenger and not do any actual flying on my own. Once in the air,  I turned to my flight instructor and asked how much am I flying and how much are you really in control.

"It's all you," he said. "I"m just along for the ride."

Oh, well maybe I'm not ready for this and you

Selfie at 1200 feet!
My fool flight instructor who trusted me with
controls of an airplane.

should take back control I said. But no, he was right. I got this!

I was so happy driving home I actually cried a little bit. Not just because I finally did something I've always wanted to do, but because I was taking control of my own life. I was flying the plane, I was making my own decisions in life and I could go anywhere I had the courage to go.

Which, even before I saw this prompt tonight, made me think of what have I been on autopilot about lately. The answer is glaringly obvious.

My book.

I wrote a book. The book was 95% complete when I was hit with the unexpected and sudden divorce drama last year. I was so distraught over the ending of my 23 year marriage I threw the book away.

Yes, you read that write. I took almost a years worth of work, walked to the trash can and threw it away. It was stupid and self destructive I know. But I couldn't think straight. My whole world had been thrown upside down and I believed everything I had written about living an authentic life was a lie. I'm a middle aged woman who was clueless her husband was having an affair. What could I possibly have to say of value to the world?

Thankfully though, I either had enough sense or not enough wits about me to even think of it, I did not destroy the copy that was on my hard drive.

A few of those closest to me have inquired a couple times this year , "so how's the book coming?" Umm, yeah I'm going to get back to work on it. I just don't have the time right now. That's what I tell them and that's what I tell myself.

But really, is it true? I have time to sit and blog. I have time to get lost on Pinterest. I even have time to go comatose in front of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Why don't I make the time to finish the book? Fear that it's not any good. Fear that I'm not good enough to do this. Fear that it, and in turn I, will be criticized.

When I had a couple hours on a plane earlier this year I did pull the book up and read through it. You know what? It's good. It still has value. In fact, I think it has even more value now than it did then because now I can say I have lived through it. I made it. Of course it needs some editing and a few parts need rewritten, but the essence of it is still there.

So, here we go.... No more living on autopilot!

This book, my book, will be written. It will be finished. And it will be published.

Oh god, now that I've put it out there I think I'm going to throw up.

Which,  after flying around for about 30 minutes today my flight instructor asked if I got motion sickness. No I don't. Have you ever been to zero G's he asked? Well, no I haven't.

Here we go!

Oh (insert expletive here)!

That was scary as hell! But way cool. Let's do it again!

Finishing this book is scary. But when it's published and out there I know it's going to be way cool too.


This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words to Soothe The Weary Soul. 

Low Points: #reverb13 Day 3

What was the low point of your year? How did you rise up, heal and move forward?

I didn't write this #reverb13 post last night because I just didn't know what my low point of the year was. Weird right?

My divorce was final. That was pretty low. I had a major falling out with Kid 1. That was horribly low.  

But when I think of low, I think of 2012. I think of sitting in the closet in the middle of the night trying to pry the gun cabinet open with a screw driver. I think of the nights of relentless insomnia where the only thing I could think to do was walk up and down the street at 3am with nothing but my dog by my side. The days that it just wasn't physically possible for me to get out of bed. 

Compared to all that, 2013 is my year to rise up, heal and move forward. 

Never looking back, always moving forward. 

This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found on Elephant Journal.

One Word

Encapsulate your 2013 in one word. Why that word? What would you like your word to be for 2014? Why?

2013: Persevere

To continue steadfastly in a course of action especially in spite of opposition. To last or endure tenaciously.

This is supposed to be my rebuilding year, my time to create a new and better life post divorce. No one said it would be easy yet no one warned me about the seemingly constant obstacles I'd have to face.

I've said more than once this year "I'm just so weary of the constant battle."

But there's no rest for the weary when a new life needs designed. So trudge on I must.

2014: Prosper
To be successful or fortunate, thrive, flourish

My hope is this year I have done a good job laying the groundwork so that next year I will prosper creatively, spiritually, emotionally, financially,  socially and professionally.


This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found on Elephant Journal. 

Month of Gratitude 2013

It's that time again.  Bloggers and others are listing what they are grateful for each day of the month of November.

I've participated for the past two years. My 2011 gratitude list was very different than my struggle to find gratitude during my very difficult 2012. This year I'm in a very different, yet better, place and I'm not sure where my gratitude list will go.

I do know though that these past couple years have taught me, if nothing else, even in the darkest of times there is always something to be grateful for. Always.

November 1, 2013

1. Safely guiding my unsafe car to a place I can pull over and call for help.
2. Having car insurance that includes roadside assistance and towing.
3. A pink mohawk tow truck driver who wouldn't leave me alone on the side of the road.
4. Kids and a staff who were willing to drop what they were doing and come rescue me.
5. Long distance phone calls.


November 2, 2013

1. New friends who willingly hand over keys to their brand new car so that I'm not without transportation to work.
2. Old friends who save me money by fixing my car for me.


November 3, 2013

All the kids piled on my bed waiting their turn for one of momma's back massages.

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

Last week at work, during one of our regular deep philosophical discussion periods, someone said "hey you should listen to this song."

My response was an eye roll and a let's just get back to work now.

But I sat and listened. And as I listened I felt my eyes get moist and my heart become heavy.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in 

I'll keep checking the horizon 

And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call 

It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon 

It's just that times are lean 

Looking back, I can see now that I've spent too many years waiting for my real life to begin. "It will be better when...", "If I can just make this happen...", "Someday I'll have the time/money/energy..."

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened 

But in my dreams, I slew the dragon 

And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane 

I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again

The years went by, my life continued and I kept waiting. Waiting for something to happen.

Then something happened. Something big. And I was scared. I'm still a little scared. But I don't want to wait any longer.  I'm ready to find a way to steer my own ship.

I know the sailing won't be easy. But there is something comforting about taking control. I know there are still hard times ahead. I know I'm going to make mistakes. I know times will be lean.

But they will be my times, my terms, mine to overcome.

I know people now who are in a holding pattern waiting for their own lives to begin. I see the same fear and unhappiness in their eyes that I had in mine for so long. I know the pain they feel. I know what 's holding them back.

As sad as I am for those people, there's nothing I can do to help them get moving. When they decide it's their time, or their big scary moment happens, it's up to them to begin their own life.

As I sat and listened to the song I became aware of one of my young staff girls watching me. I looked at her, smiled, wiped the tear away from my eye and pretended to get back to the work on my desk.

But inside I knew I was finally ready. It is time to get to the real work of making my new life begin.

Great Wars Like Ours

Every now and then I read something I just can't forget. It percolates through my brain and I can't let it go.

My current obsession:

Ok, we didn't work, and all

memories to tell you the truth aren't good.

But sometimes there were good times.

Love was good. I loved your crooked sleep

beside me and never dreamed afraid.

There should be stars for great wars

like ours.

--- Sandra Cisneros

This Is How You Lose Her by Junot Diaz

Adventures Past & Present

I'm a little jealous this weekend. No, jealous isn't the right word. I'm envious.

Two young ladies are on an adventure this weekend. They are young and free and chasing after what they want.

I envy that.

When I was their age I was married already. What was my rush to get married so young? I didn't know who I was at 20 years old or what I really wanted. There were other things I wanted at that age, other places I wanted to be. But getting married felt expected. It felt safe. I was afraid to take a risk and chase after the unknown.

I can't regret the choices I made back then. They were the beginning of six amazing beings that I can't imagine my life without. And I certainly had some adventures of my own these past 25 years that I'm forever grateful for.

But my unknown future is pretty scary. Everyone keeps telling me I am getting a "do over". My life is a blank slate and I can make it anything I want. Sounds nice.

Except I only have a slight idea of what I want and absolutely no idea how to get there.

Any adventure I'd like to embark on now takes a small army behind me to take care of everything I do in a normal day. Any risk I consider now is very calculated constantly weighing the potential good vs potential bad outcomes.  Adventures now come with risks to not just me, but to many people around me.

And I will never make a choice to hurt them.

So I play it safe. I'd like to say I play it safe for now, but I'm pretty sure my times of just getting in the car and taking off are over. I miss it, but at the same time it's OK. Next week I'll listen to every detail of their adventure. I'll smile and laugh and maybe even cry along with them.

I'll be a little envious. And I'll be a little hopeful that maybe there is still an adventure or two left for my future.

The Divorce Chronicles

Divorce sucks.

Even if you end up better off after the ending of your marriage, (please dear God I pray I do) it still sucks.

Many times during my divorce I couldn't write. Sometimes I couldn't not.

Looking over my posts this past year I can see the progression from despair, to hopelessness, to anger, to fear, to hopeful and to happiness. Now that I'm a year out, other people are turning to me asking me how I did it, how I made it through it all.

I have no freaking idea.

But people keep asking me. So I've compiled all the divorce-related posts onto one page to make it easier for anyone who wants to read them. 

The Divorce Chronicles

How Did Mom Do It?

I'm not sure how old I was when my mom went back to work full time. Certainly I was still in elementary school. Maybe once my sister got into first grade? Which means I would have been in fifth grade. I'm not totally sure.

I do remember though we always had access to my mom. We could call her at work and she would always answer. She was at every school function. If there was an emergency, she immediately got up and left her job to be with us. I can only imagine how fast she must have been driving when she got the call I put my hand through the window and was in need of 50 plus stitches. (Now that I think about it, how I put my hand through the window would make a good post. It's totally all my sisters fault. Totally.)

My sister and I were very involved in sports, dance, Girl Scouts and anything else we could convince my parents we just HAD to do. My mom was the primary chauffeur.

I was thinking about all this recently as I struggle with my new role as a full-time working mom yet while still trying to be the chauffeur mom, be-there-for-my-kids mom that my mom always was.

How the hell did she do it all?

I have given this a lot of thought. I can recall very few times we had fast food for dinner. How did my mom work all day, get us to our activities and still  make dinner? And when I say dinner I don't mean the Tyson frozen chicken crap my kids have gotten used to. It was a real dinner. With real vegetables. Eaten at the table.

I don't ever remember either me or my sister standing in the kitchen crying and screaming "I HATE YOUR JOB YOU'RE NEVER HOME ANYMORE" to my mom. Yeah, that's been heard around here. Actually it's been heard around here a lot lately.

But the thing is, I'm pretty lucky to have a flexible job for now. I can't keep the job too much longer because soon I will lose my ex-husbands insurance benefits and I have no retirement savings. So it's time to start thinking more long term to take care of myself in my job search. So really, my kids have it pretty good right now and have a lot of access to me all day. I can only hope, but can't guarantee, this will continue in a new job.

But for now, I can get up and leave at a moments notice. And I have.

My kids can call me anytime. And I answer. If I can't answer my fabulous staff know to answer for me when they see it's one of my kids calling me.

If I can't drive the girls to dance myself I have an older son who helps out when he's not working himself. Or friends to call when I'm really in a bind.

As for dinner, well, I definitely haven't been as successful as my mom there. Chick-fil-A and Lenny's Subs are on our rotating schedule. We pack Lunchables for dinner on our really late nights at the dance school. Meals eaten together at the table are a rare, yet special, event.

I wonder if my mom felt like a failure as often as I do?

I hope my kids forget my failures and remember me in the way I remember my own mom.

One Year: Loss, Learning and a New Life

It's been exactly a year. One year since one phone call changed the one thing I always thought I knew to be true. One year ago today I found out my husband was having an affair. One phone call that led to one divorce and 365 days of heartache.

I've given a lot of thought to what I've learned this year. I certainly forgot a lot of my previous teachings during my darker moments. But I know enough that in everything there is a lesson to learn.

• When someones actions don't match their words, always believe their actions. Words hurt. Hateful words can drive a stake through your heart. But a persons actions are what cause the most long-term damage.
• Like Robert Frost said, Life Goes On. When I got that phone call my world stopped. But life around me continued. At the time, I didn't understand how that was possible. Now I see that is exactly how it's supposed to be. Life goes on. And thank God it does.
• Asking "Why?" is pointless. I'll never get the answer I'm looking for or the one that will satisfy me. In my heart I already know why. 
• You can't control anyone else. No matter how vested I may be in the outcome, it's ultimately not solely up to me. Other people are going to make choices that affect me, and I have no choice but to accept that and do my best with the outcome.
• Addiction destroys families. Addiction is selfish and manipulative. Addiction can't be cured by love.  The addicted person isn't just harming himself, he's leaving a wake of destruction behind him that becomes the burden for the innocent to bear. 
• I know nothing. All the books I've read, all the teachers I've studied under, it's nothing but a drop in the bucket of wisdom. I'm just waking up every morning doing the best I can with that days knowledge. 
• You just don't know what the Universe has in store for you. Life takes sudden and unexpected turns that may knock you off your feet, or may be the helping hand you need.
• In times of trouble you learn who your friends are. People I never would have expected stepped up this year when I most needed. From forcing me into the car to the doctor to get help, to taking care of my children, to laying in bed with me and holding me while I cried, my friends were the ones who never lost faith in me.

And one more lesson that I knew, but had forgotten. Laughter really is the best medicine. Many times this year I thought my laugh would never return. Then many times it was laughter through tears. Now, I am grateful for genuine laughter.

I've written before about what a wonderful staff I have. Today they outdid themselves. Knowing today had the potential to be an emotionally difficult day, they had a surprise waiting for me when I got in to work.

Happy "You Found Out Your Husband is Having
an Affair' Anniversary.
How could you not laugh at that kind
of celebration?