Saturday, September 7, 2013

Adventures Past & Present

I'm a little jealous this weekend. No, jealous isn't the right word. I'm envious.

Two young ladies are on an adventure this weekend. They are young and free and chasing after what they want.

I envy that.

When I was their age I was married already. What was my rush to get married so young? I didn't know who I was at 20 years old or what I really wanted. There were other things I wanted at that age, other places I wanted to be. But getting married felt expected. It felt safe. I was afraid to take a risk and chase after the unknown.

I can't regret the choices I made back then. They were the beginning of six amazing beings that I can't imagine my life without. And I certainly had some adventures of my own these past 25 years that I'm forever grateful for.

But my unknown future is pretty scary. Everyone keeps telling me I am getting a "do over". My life is a blank slate and I can make it anything I want. Sounds nice.

Except I only have a slight idea of what I want and absolutely no idea how to get there.

Any adventure I'd like to embark on now takes a small army behind me to take care of everything I do in a normal day. Any risk I consider now is very calculated constantly weighing the potential good vs potential bad outcomes.  Adventures now come with risks to not just me, but to many people around me.

And I will never make a choice to hurt them.

So I play it safe. I'd like to say I play it safe for now, but I'm pretty sure my times of just getting in the car and taking off are over. I miss it, but at the same time it's OK. Next week I'll listen to every detail of their adventure. I'll smile and laugh and maybe even cry along with them.

I'll be a little envious. And I'll be a little hopeful that maybe there is still an adventure or two left for my future.

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