Never Again

I immediately feel my body tense up whenever I hear...

An angry male voice. The angry male voice doesn't even have to be directed towards me. 

There are some nights I don't sit out on my back deck and enjoy my yard because the man who lives over the fence is constantly yelling at his kids. The first time I sat outside after my divorce and heard the yelling I started to cry. It brought back so many memories I just wanted to be able to put behind me. 

A friend and I were out walking one recent evening and as we passed a house we heard a man and a woman arguing in the backyard. Not really so much arguing, but rather a man yelling at a woman and the woman trying to defend herself. My friend and I stood out front on the street for a bit listening and debating whether to call the police or not. We both felt sick to our stomach listening to it. She also has the same physical and emotional responses as I do to angry men.

After the divorce my counselor diagnosed me with PTSD. At the time I thought it was silly. PTSD is for soldiers on a battlefield not women in a bad marriage. But no, thank God I didn't have to experience anything as traumatic as war, but I did have to live through a war in my own home. There were some nights the anger was outright rage. 

I've been out of the marriage for 2 1/2 years now and I think I've improved greatly. Yet just a few months ago a work situation with an angry man gave me flashbacks to many nights years ago where I felt powerless and would have done or said anything just to make the anger stop. I literally felt the same physical reaction in my body that day as I had so many times before. 

I see now that although the anger fades, the aftermath stays with you forever.

I guess I still have some way to go to be truly recovered. But I'm confident I'll never again be cowering to an angry man.

This post is part of #AprilMoon15, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Word To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Don't Be An A**hole: #reverb14 Day 17

How can you stop being an a**hole, get out of your own way and make room for more of your magic to happen in 2015?

Today I was a real asshole. In fact, before I even saw this prompt I used the word asshole in referring to my behavior today.

Actually for the past few weeks I've been an asshole. It just all became clear today how much of an asshole I've really been.

It's been a rough patch lately and once again I've been hurt and feel abandoned. So, being the "I'm so strong I don't need anyone" type that I am, I retreated to my usual defense mechanisms and pulled back from the world.

My defense mechanisms have been fine-tuned over time and I'm so good at them, I rarely even notice when I first begin to go into safety mode.

• Step one: Pull back from those who care about me.
• Step two: Stop sleeping.
• Step three: Feel defeated and see the future as hopeless.
• Step four: Lash out at those closest to me in an attempt to drive them away, thus proving to myself that no one really cares about me anyway. 
• Step five: Break down crying out of exhaustion, desperation and fear.

It works every time.

Well it works to get me to the point of breaking down crying out of exhaustion, desperation and fear. And then those closest to me, who have endured my wrath patiently, will wrap their arms around me and remind me that I really don't need to always be the strong one. And maybe if I'd just open myself to the possibility of being loved, I would see that I truly am loved.

And then I cry some more. And finally sleep.

It's a pattern I have repeated all too often in my life. And I'm grateful that those closest to me are there to see me through it each time. And are there to pick me up at the end.

In 2015, I'd really really like to stop being so much of an asshole. I'd like to learn to reach out for help instead of retreating out of fear. And opening myself up to the possibility of, well, possibility.


This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.