Good Yogi's Don't Get Depressed

A Book Excerpt

The demons got to me again.

I saw it coming but I couldn't stop it this time. Depression set in and it set in strong.

This last month was bad enough that I finally got myself to the point that I knew I needed help. Of course, I didn't actually go get the help right away.

No I waited until I was tearing down the backyard pool and accidentally gave myself a really big gash on a rusted out piece of metal that required medical bandaging and a tetanus shot. While he was cleaning the wound I decided to ask in a nonchalant way about once again prescribing me some depression medication.

Doctor: Have you considered harming yourself?
Me: I swear this cut on my arm was an accident!
Doctor: But you have considered it?
Me: Well, kind of, yeah.  But this here on my arm really was an accident!

I am very thankful my doctor believed me that I needed help, and that the cut on my arm really was from tearing down the pool. He not only gave me a prescription, but he called the pharmacist personally to be sure I would be able to afford the medication since I don't have health insurance.

Step one - I finally asked for help. Step two - he listened. Step three - I helped myself and began taking the medication.

Today is the first day I can really feel a difference. The heaviness is gone.

I am not ashamed to admit that the chemicals in my brain are out of whack right now and I need some help regulating them. I no longer think this makes me a bad yogi or a bad mommy.

I talk quite a bit in my book about depression in women. I'm sharing an excerpt here with you as a reminder that if you too are suffering with depression, you are not alone. It's also a good reminder for me as well.

An excerpt from Creating A Joyful Life: The Lessons I Learned From Yoga & My Mom

Chapter 1: I'm Not The Crazy One! Am I?

Meditation vs. Medication

Good yogis don’t get depressed. Good yogis don’t need medication. Medication is for the weak.

I believed those lies and it almost destroyed me.

During the immediate aftermath of my husband walking out on our family, I fell apart. I couldn’t function in simple day-to-day tasks. Eating was impossible. Sleep didn’t happen. I couldn’t stop crying. It all came to a head one afternoon in the backyard with Kid 1 and his teenage buddy as witnesses.

For some reason I decided I had to mow the backyard and it had to be done at that exact moment despite my lack of sleep, energy and mental capacity. Except the mower wouldn’t work.

Kid 1 tried to help me get it started, but I was so far gone from rational thinking all I could do was huddle under a tree to cry and scream. Without me realizing it, my son’s friend went inside the house and called his mom.

“Ms. Jen needs help.”

As Christy walked around to the back of my house I saw her and began lashing out at her, too. She stood there calmly and listened to me, and then she hugged me. I fell against her and sobbed on her shoulder for I don’t know how long.

She led me over to a chair and we sat and talked. When she first suggested I might need to see a doctor I once again got angry. Eventually I exhausted my screaming and my tears and she sat with me while I called the doctor and scheduled an immediate appointment.

I found a counselor who diagnosed me with PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Again, I lashed out at her and told her that was a bit extreme. I’m not a soldier on a battlefield.

She helped me see, though, that trauma is trauma and my body’s physiology was reacting to a trauma. My body didn’t know the difference between a battlefield attack and an attack on my marriage, my family and my life.

I accepted and began taking antidepressants that my doctor prescribed. The medication helped me begin to function in a way that allowed me to face my situation in a slightly more rational and slightly more calm way.

The antidepressants were a short-term solution to allow me to make long-term decisions.

Entire libraries are full of writings on depression, it’s causes and treatments. I’m not qualified to diagnose or discuss whether medication is the right solution for you. I can only speak from my own experience.

I do want you to understand though, that if you or your doctor feel you need help, take it. Don’t let pride, ego or ignorance stand in the way of becoming the woman you are destined to be. Too much is at stake for you to stifle yourself.

This Is Depression

Here's what people don't understand about depression:

It is totally possible to feel happy and alive at 9am yet feel hopeless and distraught at 10am.

The 10am hopeless feeling lasts longer and is buried deeper than the 9am happy.

It's possible to be depressed when people say you have "no reason to be depressed".

Depression is sneaky and can hit without warning.

But sometimes I see it up ahead. I know it's coming. And even when I do all the self care things I know I need to do it happens anyway.

You can't just "snap out of " depression.

Most of the time I can paint a smile on my face and mask the depression until I'm alone again. In fact I'm really good about cracking jokes to friends about it. But inside I'm not laughing.

Depression makes me believe I'm weak and a failure.

I know the depression is just in my head. That's the problem. It's in my f'ing head and I can't get it out!

Breaking The Silence- Speaking Out On Domestic Violence In My Own Marriage

This was really hard to write. And even harder to allow to be published.

I kept many secrets for many years.

No more.

The responses I've gotten from this have been heart warming and heart breaking. I've received emails from women all over the country experiencing the same thing yet afraid to speak up, to get help or to leave.

If you've ever seen or heard of an abused woman and asked yourself "Why doesn't she just leave?", please read this. The answers aren't as simple as it seems.

You Can Get PTSD From Staying In A Psychologically Abusive Marriage

Hope

Two months since I've written a post.

A long stressful winter.

Gray and dreary skies.

Heartache and a scary uncertain future.

But today, the rain stopped and the sun shone.

Daffodils began to pop up and open through the muddy ground.

Frogs were croaking in the waterlogged ditches.

I turned my face to the sun and breathed deeply.

In that moment I was happy.

I was confident.

I was calm.

For the first time in a long time I had hope.

Ending With Certainty: #reverb14 Day 21

Today, I'd like you to revisit what you wrote on 1 December on the first day of Reverb14.
How does that compare to where you are now i.e. what can you say today with certainty?

On the first day of #reverb14 I wrote a pretty dark and depressing post. At the time, I meant everything I said and even now I don't feel the need to take any of it back. The only thing I can say right now with absolute certainty is I still know nothing.

I don't know the future.
I don't know the reasons for everything in my past.
I don't know on some nights how I will make it through the next day, month, year.
I don't know the answers to so many questions I continue to ask.

However, after a few weeks of purging my demons into blog posts and a bit of an emotional breakdown, I am certain of a few things.

I know I have friends who care about me.
I know I am intelligent and have value to offer to the person who is open to accepting it.
I know that the only person in my life I really have any control over is myself.
I know the only thing stopping me from living a life worth living is me.

Then, without thinking too hard about it, grab a pen and some paper and finish the following sentences:
In 2015, I am open to...

Possibility.

In 2015, I want to feel...

Genuine happiness. Love. A sense of accomplishment.

In 2015, I will say no to...

Those who make me feel worthless. Myself when I tell myself I'm not good enough.

In 2015, I will know I am on the right track when… 

I am living my life with ease. My life may not be easy, but I won't be muscling my way through trying to force the world around me to conform, only causing me more suffering.

But when I find myself veering off course, I will gently but firmly…

Force myself back into what I know works: self care, exercise, sleep, asking for help.

In December 2015, I want to look back and say...

This is the year I finally stopped saying "I'm going to..." and instead say " I did...".

This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Loving What Is: #reverb14 Day 3

It’s all too easy to put off loving where we are until everything is perfect. What can you love about where you are now?

I've had a pretty tough past few weeks. Not the worst I've ever had, but definitely not good. And it sent me spiraling downward in a way that hasn't happened for a couple years.

Thanks to my years of yoga and meditation I've gotten better about realizing when I'm spiraling down and helping myself climb back up. This most recent bout the thought popped into my head a couple times that I need to find something to be grateful for. If I look hard enough there must be something.

I looked. I kinda sorta briefly looked. And I didn't find anything. But it's amazing what a night of sleep and a good, hard sweaty gym session can do for my mental health and outlook.

Get some sleep, drop some sweat and suddenly the world looks a lot different.

My life today isn't any more perfect than it was two weeks ago. But today I can see that the sun actually is still shining. There are people around me who are hurting with me yet we are holding each other up. I hate that I'm in a place now where I have to face the big bad world all alone. But I love knowing that I have the strength to face it, fight it and make it out alive.

I've been very fortunate to have had my years immersed in yoga to help me learn the skills to get through the bad times. And I thank God for the ability to write and get the crazy out of my head and on to the paper.

My life isn't perfect. It never has been. I'm not loving my life right now. But today I am able to have hope that I will one day say "I am in love with this life of mine."


This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Certainty: #reverb14 Day 1

Today, I invite you to take a quiet moment to consider: what can you say right now with certainty?

The only thing I can say right now with absolute certainty is.... I know nothing.

I know I care too much and I feel too deeply. I know this has caused me a lot of pain.
I know that friendships end.
I know jobs you pour your heart and soul in to will eventually come to an end.
I know people you love don't necessarily love you back.
I know that being honest doesn't mean someone won't lie to me.
I know that I am an intelligent woman who has made foolish choices.

What I don't know is why. I don't know why things that feel so right can't just be right. What I don't know is am I being too trusting or is the world too untrustworthy. What I don't know is what lesson I'm supposed to be learning, or if there really is no lesson and it just is what it is.

I believed hard work brought prosperity. Nope, it just brings exhaustion and less time with my family. I believed there was either good or bad. Nope, there are many shades of gray. I believed if I did the right thing others would do right by me. Nope, when it comes down to it people will naturally protect themselves first. I believed the truth was the truth. Nope, two people can tell two very different stories.

I thought my life was on a path with a specific end goal in mind. I was wrong.

I've been wrong about many things and many people.

I know this post is pretty depressing. I don't know how long I'll be in this place.


This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Right Now, For Now

What is it that you do now? Today, we’re going to look at where we are, exactly as we are, right now. Grab a pen and a piece of paper; sit down in front of a screen with a keyboard; or dictate into one of those fancy smart phone apps!Tell us what fills your weeks, days and hours.

Right now I'm not at work. That's unusual for a Monday evening and feels very weird. Right now I'm also not at dance. Kid 4 has back-to-back dance classes tonight for four hours. It feels even weirder that I'm not at the dance school.

I am constantly struggling to find the balance between work/life/kids/myself. And I mostly fail.

At the beginning of this dance year I committed to only 2 nights per week to teach yoga/pilates and to help at the front desk. Of course I still have my full-time day job as well. Last year working full time days and four nights per week was just too much and my non-dancing kids got unintentionally ignored. As a single mom I'm working multiple jobs out of necessity, but that doesn't make it any easier on the kids who feel that I'm not giving them enough time. 

Since I work at a fitness center I fortunately can build exercise into my day. I go through spurts where I'm good about staying active and spurts where I'm not so active. Not coincidentally I feel better, more creative and am better able to keep the depression at bay when I'm moving and sweating more.

I also haven't been reading and writing as much as I would like to. I have been spending too much time laying in bed in front of reality TV at night. Mostly because I've been working too much, fighting depression and plain old exhausted.

Yes, I'm well aware that working too much and lack of self care are paths leading directly into depression for me. It's that whole struggle with balance thing I've got going on. It's just where I'm at right now.

For now. 

This post is part of #AugustMoon, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Sweating It Out

I've done enough crying this year. I still cry too often. Earlier this year I was lucky enough to spend time sitting on the beach, under the big moon, the smell of salt air filling my senses. All the crying purges the pain inside me. The ocean soothes me. I was still missing the sweat though. 

Then today, after almost a year of not doing yoga, I walked into a hot yoga class. This was my first led class since the whole "husband of 25 years walks out on his family" saga of the last year. The last led class I attended was just as I was plunging into my major depression/almost suicidal realm so no matter what happened on the mat, this class had to be better than that last one.

It's been a tough haul this past year getting myself back together. Baby steps forward and then a bump back. Just recently my body began shouting at me that it was time to get moving again. I actually forgot how much I enjoyed a good sweaty workout. iPod in, heart pumping, breathing heavy - it's good for me. It feels right.

I remember a couple years ago a friend saying to me he noticed that when I was exercising more I was definitely happier and had less bouts of depression. Yes, that whole exercise as a mood lifter thing is true. I've also noticed that when I'm exercising more I get more creative and have the urge to write again. It's pretty common for me to write out a blog post in my head while I'm breathing and sweating. 

My baby steps to creating a new, happier post-divorce life had conquered my fear of returning to the gym, but now it was time to get serious and get back on the mat. I actually had intended to go to hot yoga last week, but a bout of sun poisoning from falling asleep in the pool had me confined to bed all weekend covered in aloe and watching marathons of The Newsroom on HBO. (Yes, I actually fell asleep in the pool long enough to be sunburned so bad I got sun poisoning. However, in my defense, sleep is sometimes still illusive and that 1 1/2 hours in the pool was the best sleep I've had in a long time. So, skin cancer risks aside, it was worth it).

I was honestly nervous about going to class today. Much of my strength is gone. My flexibility and my stamina have also gone into hiding. It's only temporary I know. But, still, I miss it. I checked the class schedule a few times and gave repeated reminders to my kids that I was going out for the afternoon and no you can't go with me.

After the tuna fish before hot yoga incident of a few years ago you'd think I'd know better than to eat a Lenny's Italian sub for lunch, but no, I actually did it anyway. I did have enough sense to drink plenty of water before class though.

And why do I always decide my body needs hot yoga in the middle of a Southern summer heat wave? A high of 95 degrees outside, with heat indexes easily reaching 100, and I decide it's perfect to spend an hour and a half in a 90 degree room. 

My plan to just take it easy and accept what I was able to do quickly went out the window when we began class in padmasana (lotus pose).  My hips used to do this and they will do it again today! And they did! Admittedly I had to rest my head on a block instead of the floor as we folded forward but, ahhhh, there's that deep hip opening.

Actually, the physical practice went much better than I expected. Yes I was dripping sweat like a hooker in church, but so was everyone. My body acclimated quickly to the heat and soon found that yoga groove I've missed for too long. My body had been hinting at some imbalances in my body lately and they were obvious today, perhaps to no one else but definitely to me. My left knee is still a little weak from last years surgery so that made balance poses a bit more challenging. 

But the part of today's class I'm most proud of is that I got my mind to quiet. My mind is never quiet. Ever. It's constantly reviewing my financial worries, concerns about my future, worries about my kids. But today, for just a brief bit, it quieted. My body sweated and my brain relaxed. 

Tonight I'm exhausted. Not really physically, more so emotionally. I didn't cry during class, but I know that some energy that had been blocked was released. I know the sweat purged some negativity I had been holding on to. 

I know in order to reclaim my life I had to get back on the mat. It feels good, really good, to have taken that sweaty step back to finding me again.

Nowhere Else But Here

My girls dance recital was last weekend. I did not cry when they danced onto the stage.

I didn't cry, much.

My mom always cried at my childhood events. Always. A lot. A few of my tears last weekend were for my mom, wishing she could be here to see her granddaughters dancing on that big stage. My mom would always tell me "wild horses couldn't keep me away" from whatever performance was upcoming next.

Kid 6 sound asleep on the way home but still
holding on to the flowers her brothers gave
her. There's no place else better
than right here.

With my recent divorce I'm now working full time and am missing a lot of my kids events. The girls asked if I would have to work the night of the recital. Wild horses couldn't keep me away, I told them.

Me, each of my four boys, one of the boys girlfriends and two friends who have stepped up to help my family this past year were all there to cheer as the girls danced the night away. My friend leaned over a couple times to whisper her amazement at how good the girls, all the girls of the dance school, were. Yep, our little town dance school owned that big Memphis stage Saturday night.

Seeing the joy on my girls faces as they danced brought me joy in the midst of a very difficult year.

As I watched,  I wondered what could possibly be better than this to drag me away from here?  A night out with friends? No. A moonlit walk on my favorite California beach? No. A trip away? No.

I am often overwhelmed at being a single mom of six kids. I'm over stressed, over worried and missing out on events I never had to miss out on before. But watching my little girls on that big stage, I'm reminded I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Nothing, no place and no person is more important to me than being there for my kids. Nights like recital night remind me as difficult as life is right now, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

The Wife vs. The Mistress: A Lesson in Compassion

As part of another baby step towards reclaiming my life, I am once again writing for Elephant Journal Magazine.

Here is my  newest post:

The Wife vs. The Mistress

A Lesson in Compassion

Please click the link, comment and share the post if you enjoy reading it.

Making My Way Back

So many times over these past few months I've wondered how am I going to recover and heal from being hit with a sudden and unexpected divorce?

Baby steps. Nothing more than little actions that over time, build up to a stronger more confident me.

Tonight was another little baby step. Well 1,743 steps to be exact. Tonight, for the first time since last summer I went for an evening walk. After the kids were settled, I leashed up the dog and off we set for a walk.

I used to walk every evening. It was my "me" time. In fact it was one of the first things I blogged about here.  But times are different now. I only took the younger dog with me. Lada the Wonder Dog is too old to walk anymore. She looked sad as we left her behind, but her old hips just give out on her and I can't bear to see her in pain.

Stella and her fancy new
light-up leash

Although this was the first pleasant evening walk I've had in awhile, it's really not my first nightly walk. The news of my husbands affair and his walking out on me and the kids left me devastated. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and couldn't function.

At the height of my breakdown (and if what I went through wasn't a breakdown then Dear God I don't want to know what is) I was a full insomniac and would be up all night crying. I couldn't stand to be inside the house. I felt suffocated.

Eventually I realized if I went outside I felt calmer. So I began locking the house and walking up and down the street at 3am. Yes, I know that's not normal. I locked the house and left the dogs inside with the sleeping kids. I justified it by telling myself it was better to have their mom outside than inside the house crying and contemplating thoughts that a mom of six kids should never ever consider.

Being outside under the moon soothed me enough to make it through to the next day.

Tonight the same moon reminded me it is still there, but it also reminded me that I am still here too. I've walked through hell and am beginning to see a glimmer of the other side. Tonight as I walked the cool breeze allowed me to decompress from being a full time working single mom. I can't be in multiple places at once so I'm always disappointing someone. But I am doing the best I can.

Finding my way back onto the mat. Writing again. Nightly "me time" walks.

Baby steps to find my way to a new life and a new me.

PS
I've gotten wonderful comments from people who have read my blog posts related to the divorce. Thank you and I'm honored that my writing has helped someone else in the same situation. For those who've asked, here is a list of the divorce related blogs. Reading back through them is a record of my path towards healing.

Purging the Pain
One Month
When Sleep Won't Come and The Nightmares Won't Stop
End of An Era
Love Forever
The Leaves Are Dying and So Am I
A Reminder From My Child
Month of Gratitude November 7
Month of Gratitude November 9
Month of Gratitude November 14
Month of Gratitude November 18
Month of Gratitude November 22
Strong Women
The Tooth Fairy Sucks
What A Sweet Thursday
I Hate The Night
Single Mom Working Mom
My Momma Raised Me Better

I Hate The Night

Eight months in and I still hate the night. The sadness creeps alongside the darkness and takes over.

During the day I'm busy being a single mom, full time working mom, teacher, manager, housekeeper, etc. I'm everything to everyone and no one is getting the best of me. I no longer have a best to give.

At night it's just me. Alone. Too much time to think.

No, really, I'm doing good. Getting better everyday. Stronger. More hopeful.

Unexpectedly it hits. A brick wall that crashes on top of me. I'm suffocating down here.

The people I loved have left me. 

The places I've loved are gone. 

Home is no longer home.

What A Sweet Thursday

Today was a good day.

I've been warned that the first year during a divorce is the hardest because you have to get through all the holidays and special occasions alone. Well, first of all, I'm not alone. I've got six kids to keep me busy and keep me company. And second, Valentines Day was never that big a deal for me anyway. I haven't gotten a Valentines present in about, oh I don't even know how long.

So I wasn't feeling lonely or worried about today. I had no expectations at all other than it would be a regular Thursday.

But most regular Thursdays don't start out with a sweet card. Or a box of chocolates. They don't have unexpected text messages, afternoon phone calls, hand-delivered flowers, single roses or a delicious dinner out full of laughter and friends.

But today my Thursday included all of those things. And the love and thoughtfulness behind each one of those gifts meant more to me than money could ever buy.

How Good It Feels...

To smile. To laugh.

To forget - even temporarily -  the trauma of the past 6 months.

To handle things because I'm capable, not because I have to.

To have a new appreciation for the small joys in life; Saturday nights at home with the kids, a good nights sleep, a day (multiple days) without tears.

To begin to believe that there is light and happiness in my future.

To begin to let go of the why and understand that although it will never make sense, it's not mine to have to justify.

To feel the stirring of the urge to once again write, to teach and to be creative.

The Journey - A Poem

I found this poem tonight on my friend Jilda's blog Transformation Information. After an emotional weekend, I know I was meant to read it tonight. Thank you Jilda and thank you to the original author Mary Oliver.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save. 

 

~ Mary Oliver ~

 

(Dream Work)

 

Strong Women, Creating Art & Finding A Rich New Life

"Today, and everyday, I walk in the wake of millionaires who have gone before me creating a clear path for me to follow."

--- Wanda Marie

21 Day Wealthy Consciousness Affirmation

www.queenacademy.com

As I read today's affirmation, I didn't immediately think of millionaires in the sense of financially wealthy women.  Rather, I thought of women who have been been cast aside only to later rise up and become women of power and strength.

Women who were left, left to raise children alone, pushed aside or in any number of other ways told they weren't good enough anymore. Women who held their head high, who refused to accept their second place status and forged a new life for themselves.

I've always been very selective in my friendships - at times being accused of being a snob. I own it. I don't want to be around people who bring me down. I don't want to be around people who get their own self worth from hurting others.

I choose my female friends based on their moral character. They may not necessarily make the same decisions as me, but they operate on a higher level of consciousness. They value the bond between women, between mothers and between families.

Tonight I had the pleasure of spending time with two such women. Neither are financially wealthy, but they've both been where I am now and they have cleared a path for me to follow to build my own fruitful life. They are both examples to me that building a new life for myself is possible and I am capable.

Tonight was about celebrating our bond as women. Acknowledging the stages of our life, both the light and the dark times. There was no gossip or negativity, just love and creativity.

Although the pictures were similar, we each created with our own vision of ourselves and our life; where we were, where we are and where we want to be.  It was a very rich night of my life indeed.

Month of Gratitude November 28

1. Sleep, what little I get.
2. My dogs sleeping on the bottom of my bed

Month of Gratitude November 24

1. Friends who step up and help way beyond what is expected of them
2. My kids who continue to astound me with the way they've stepped up over the past few months
3. My kids smiles and laughter - thank you God that they haven't lost that
4. My smile - still extremely rare but I admit it feels pretty good when it does occasionally pop out

Month of Gratitude November 22

New Traditions.

For 23 years I cooked green bean casserole for the one person who liked it. He has chosen to no longer be a part of this family.

Last year I jokingly said for now on I'm only cooking pumpkin pie and mashed potatoes because that's all anyone in my house really wants anyway. The turkey and other sides were just put on the table because that's what you are supposed to eat on Thanksgiving.

So, this year, a new version of my family, and therefore a new tradition:

Pizza, Pie & Popcorn

Today me and the kids ordered pizza, ate pumpkin pie and went to the movies. We had a great time. We spent the day together, expressed our thankfulness that we are still together, and reminded each other that we will always be there for each other.

What we ate or didn't eat isn't what made today a holiday. Being together and strengthening our family for years to come is what made today special.