The Key To Happiness Is Time

Today was a  typical Sunday - my normal one day off per week. Me and the kids did the usual grocery shopping, house cleaning, back to school shopping, yard work, laundry and meal prep that normally happens on our "day of rest".

Just as I was about to start dinner, the one night per week I try to make a sit-down healthy family meal, I stepped outside first to find kid 5 teaching his puppy to jump through a hoop. I've been telling him for awhile now that I really think this dog could learn some neat tricks.

She's a rescue pup, so we aren't totally sure of her lineage, but based on the way she can jump we are thinking she definitely has some Jack Russell Terrier in her.

Well, after just a quick minute, he had that dog jumping through the hoop almost a foot off the ground!

I bet we stayed outside almost an hour just playing with the dog and taking video of her jumping.

Eventually we remembered we were hungry and I came inside to make dinner.

After dinner I stepped out back to talk to Kid 3 about coordinating all our schedules for the week. Each of the kids drifted out to follow me and we all sat outside for over an hour as the sun went down.

Not only was it the first Memphis night that wasn't sweltering hot, it's also the last weekend we have before school starts back again.

We all just felt laid back, relaxed and unhurried. Of course, though, being siblings it can never stay totally relaxed. Kids 4 & 5 challenged each other to a race, then a rematch, Kid 6 got a little loud trying to make everyone laugh and the dog was running around like crazy in the middle of it all.

It was fabulous.

I realized the key to everything tonight was time. I took the time to enjoy being outside, the time to just be with the kids without having a schedule or accomplishing a to-do list. I had the time available where I wasn't working, wasn't worried about getting back to work and wasn't worried about how to make more money  -- I just simply took the time to enjoy life for a bit.

I'm normally so busy trying to earn enough money just to get by that I don't feel like I have time to take time off.

I've always heard that money can't buy happiness. My response has always been I am willing to try! But tonight I realized that if money could just buy me more off time, more down time, I could be happy.

Money would relieve so much of my stress. Allowing me to enjoy the time I do have.

I realize that sounds like a greedy statement. But the reality is I am raising 6 kids on a single mom budget. I'm one of those Americans who has way too much credit debt, not from family vacations or shopping sprees, but from buying gas and groceries and kids sneakers. Not to mention school fees, car insurance and everything else that comes along with raising a family. Those expenses that you can't just cut back on.

Financial stress affects every part of my life. It even seeps into the fun times by making me think I shouldn't be just sitting here doing nothing, even if it is enjoying time with my family.

Down time is time that could be working. A nice meal is nothing more than another charge to my account. I keep a running total in my head of expenses during trips away for graduations or dance competitions. Believe me, adding up costs really takes the fun out of fun times.

But somehow tonight I forgot all that for a little bit.

I just enjoyed my time with my family and remembered that is why I work the way I do.

A Very Loud Very Crowded Week

YOU ALL ARE HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, TERRIBLE CHILDREN!

I've said that more than once this week. Kid 2 is home on leave from his new Navy duty station so all six kids are together for the first time since Christmas.

It's been a week of picking on each other, instigating trouble, inappropriate jokes, extremely loud video game playing, moving back and forth between bedrooms, all ganging up on me for fun and other obnoxious behavior.

I absolutely love it and have been smiling all week.

It's really interesting to watch them interact with each other knowing their time is limited. To see how although they are all mostly young adults now, they still revert to child-like sibling rivalry. They really are growing up yet they are strongly bonded together.

My hope is that someday they will all be grown and independent, yet still gather together at my house to make a mess and make me crazy.

That will be my definition of a parenting success.

Just A Magical Memorable Thursday Night

You are a Great mom and I think u became a better mom when u became mom And dad !

I've decided that compliment means more to me than any other I've received lately.

Tonight was just a Thursday night. Like most other Thursday nights we've had the past couple years.

But then, something changed.

It started with Kid 5 asking to pick up his friend and go PokemonGo hunting. I, as usual, groaned and told him how tired I was. But then Kid 4, and this is the really weird part, said "oh come on, I'll drive and we'll just go out for a bit."

(Note: Kid 4 has her permit and looks for any excuse to drive. But to help her younger brother hunt Pokemon? No, never.)

While Kid 5 and his friend ran through the park hunting Pokemon, Kid 4 and I sat by the car and listened to 80's and 90's music: Black Eyed Peas, Backstreet Boys, old Gwen Stefani hits. We sat by the car and sang loud. We laughed louder. We even busted out a few dance moves.

Three fun-filled hours later I got this comment on one of my Facebook posts from the evening:

You are a Great mom and I think u became a better mom when u became mom And dad !

Wow. I had to think about that for a minute. And, I think she's right.

I think I did become a bit of a better mom when I took on the role of mom and dad.

After the dust settled from the divorce, and the kids accepted the new reality that they had a father who no longer wanted to be a part of their life, the burden of being mom and dad fell to me.

But with the burden came freedom as well. 

So much of the pressure was off. I was no longer afraid to upset my ex-husband or to make him mad. I no longer was constantly on guard for his next outburst or had to be hyper vigilant to make sure he didn't act out towards the kids.

Both me and the kids were free to finally be ourselves. We now had the freedom to laugh without the fear of angering him. 

At one point tonight, Kid 4 asked if I realized it was already 11:30. 

"Oh, shoot no I didn't. Hey have you heard of MC Hammer," I asked as I started singing along to Can't Touch This. 

We never would have felt comfortable enough to be hanging out in a local park at 11:30pm singing and catching Pokemon. We would have been too afraid of what we would come home to.

But now, yes I am mom and dad, and sometimes, often times, that is a heavy load to carry.

But there are also times, maybe I need to let there be more of these times, that it's a great blessing to be the parent who gets to enjoy my kids as well. 

But At What Cost #Reverb15

As the year ends, and we look back at the joys, achievements and disappointments of the past twelve months, it's worth taking some time to recognise what our efforts have demanded of us and where our resources have been depleted.

Whether you have spent 2015 bringing some long-cherished project to fruition or simply trying to keep your head above water, it's likely that this has come at some cost to you.

How can you replenish your (physical, mental, spiritual and/or emotional) resources? What do you need most of all at this moment?

Busy, busy, busy. That's me.

But hard work pays off. This year I published my book, wrote a few big pieces that were very well received, began freelancing for a couple independent media sources, worked multiple part time jobs, oh yeah and still was full time mom to my six kids.

But at what cost?

Well, I'm tired. My back hurts from my new night job. I don't do nearly as much non-assigned writing as I used to.

I stayed married for 23 years because I thought it would be best for the kids. But at what cost?
I hope my daughters don't grow up to think they, too,  need to endure addiction and abuse just because they took a vow.

I finally divorced from the bad marriage and took on sole custody of the six kids. But at what cost?
I don't know how being raised by a mom, with a dad who never shows up for events or visitation, will affect my kids when they become parents.

I work multiple jobs to keep us financially afloat so the kids don't have to go without too much. But at what cost?
I wonder if they will look back and know mom did the best she could or if they will look back and realize they didn't get all the same perks their friends did.

My writing that has garnered the most attention has been open and raw and honest. I've received amazing feedback from people thanking me for letting them know they aren't alone. But at what cost? I've also had some truly horrible comments made to me. Hurtful, vile comments from anonymous trolls on the Internet.

But at what cost is always the question.

Recently, three unrelated people asked me if I'm dating. When I laughed and said no they asked why. When would I possibly have the time? The energy? Their point wasn't that I should actually be dating, I know what they really meant was I need to make time for me. To make sure I am taken care of as well.

Yes, I not only understand but agree.  I've turned down two offers to travel these past few months. The cost (not even necessarily financial) was just too high.

I suppose I could take a night off of work. Or splurge and get a pedicure. Right now I'm staying up way too late to write.

But, as always, at what cost?

This post is part of #Reverb15, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul. 

The Really Real Reality Of Life As A Single Mom

THIS IS THE STUFF NO ONE TALKS ABOUT

Please click the link to my newest Elephant Journal post.

I shed a few tears while I was writing it.

If you like the post too, please Tweet it, share it, Facebook it or do any other social media thing there is to pass it around.

Going To Sleep and Waking Up A Bit More Peacefully

Up until recently when I lay down in bed at night my mind was out of control with to-do lists, financial worries, stress of being a single working mom, worry about people in my life that were hurting, work concerns and anything else my brain could find to be worried about.

And then when I woke up in the morning, or a couple times during the night, it began all over again. What about this work situation? How will I get the girls to dance on time? Will this person I care about be OK? What about this person? What am I going to do about ...

And then I lost my job.

I should be more stressed right? More worried. The anxiety should probably cause me to lose even more sleep.

Nope. 

Now when I go to bed at night I am grateful for the opportunity to be there for my kids during the day when they need me. I am hopeful about the financial opportunities presenting themselves. I sleep peacefully.

When I wake up, I wake up without the resentment of having to face another crappy day. I wake up looking forward to my day, which is surprisingly busy for not having a full-time job just yet. I am less stressed with the kids in the morning and I don't look at my to-do list with dread. 

I wake up happy.

This post is part of #AprilMoon15, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe the Weary Soul.

Giving Birth To A New Life

Giving birth doesn't have to be literal. So far in my life I have birthed...

Giving birth to six kids wasn't the hard part. 

The agony I experienced, the crying, the screaming, the bearing down and pushing through the pain I never could have imagined, was all to birth a safe, happy home for my kids.

I'm embarrassed and saddened to admit my home wasn't always happy. And it wasn't always safe. I had to fight to create a life where my kids could invite friends over for late night gaming marathons without fear of a parent embarrassing them.  I worked hard to create a home where the neighbors heard laughter not anger from our open windows on summer nights. I endured a lot of pain before my home became a place we wanted to run to, not run away from.

Yes, I gave birth to six kids. More importantly I birthed a happy, safe, loving environment for them to grow in.

This post is part of #AprilMoon15, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Little Ms. Fix It

One of the things  I didn't anticipate after getting divorced was my new-found handyman handywoman skills.

At first I was paralyzed when it came time for fix-it repairs around the house. I wouldn't even attempt to fix something I would just pick up the phone and call a friend. Thankfully, I have many good friends who rushed over to help.

Then I became angry at having to call friends to help me. I was married for 23 years and the person who used to do the repairs left and I am so mad at him well I will just show him and I will fix this myself! I became quite good at fixing just about anything with a screwdriver and duct tape. One night while sitting on the kitchen floor I even took a picture of myself fixing the refrigerator door. I posted it with the caption "F*** you refrigerator!"

Eventually, and thankfully, the anger began to leave and instead some confidence slowly crept in. The kitchen faucet can no longer be fixed with duct tape? Hmmm, how hard could a new one be to put in? The salesperson at Lowes assured me all faucets were universal and it was no big deal to install a new one.

He lied.

But instead of sitting on the floor crying and saying "F*** you sink!", I googled 'how to replace a faucet'. I did end up having to call a friend that night.  But it turns out I wasn't installing it wrong. I just have an old house with weird plumbing and we had to be a little creative in how we ran the hoses.

When I had no hot water for a week, an old friend came over to fix it. I told him "No I want to do it myself you just tell me how." So for a couple hours on a Friday night we sat there with him giving directions and me actually doing the work. I am grateful for his patience. I counted only three times that he said "Are you sure you turned the power off" and only twice did he say "Just let me do it."

Tonight I asked Kid 2 where the saw was so I could fix Kid 5's bed. He just looked at me and said "Umm, in the garage. Why? Wait I'll help you."

Well I didn't want to wait. So I grabbed some boards and started cutting. Kid 2 heard the noise and came out and did end up finishing the job. But I had most of it done already!

I think my friends are also more confident in my fix-it abilities. A couple weeks ago I needed to replace the ceiling fan in the girls bedroom. So I pulled up a YouTube video that showed this woman taking out an old ceiling fan and putting in a new one all by herself. She said it's very simple to do and doesn't require any assistance.

She lied.

There is no way I could hold the new ceiling fan up with one hand and run the wires with the other hand. So I did require some assistance but only because I only have two hands.

When my work was finished I took a picture and sent it to the friend who helped me with the hot water heater last year.

He didn't ask if I had turned the power off.
He didn't ask if I knew the wiring was green to green and white to white.
He didn't ask why I didn't call him.

He simply said Good Job!

When I was searching for an image for this post I found this book for sale on Amazon. I've already ordered it and look forward to my next fix-it project!

My Brave Year: #reverb14 Day 13

Step one: set the timer for 5 minutes and write down as many answers as you can think of to the question: 'When and how was I brave in 2014?' Note: remember the private, intimate and small ways in which you were brave as well as the big public ways.

• On a stormy summer night I looked up at a 19 year old almost man yet who is still my baby, who is taller than me and bigger than me, and said "you will get in this car."
• I watched as an ER nurse took this almost man/still my baby from me and said "You can't come back here with him."
• I sat most of the night in the ER staring at the door that my almost man/still my baby was behind. I waited for the nurse to come back and tell me what's going on. I waited all night.
• I drove home from the ER early the next morning. Alone.
• Two weeks later I rushed back to the hospital and caught this almost man/still my baby in my arms as he broke down sobbing. I allowed myself to cry with him.
• I stood up to those who have hurt him/ hurt us and said no more. You will not hurt him/hurt us anymore.

Step two: Choose one of more of those moments of bravery and write a letter yourself back at the beginning of 2014, letting you know how brave you are going to be that year.

Hey, remember those dark and scary nights from 2012 when you thought your life was over? Yeah, well, get ready because you are about to have some dark and scary nights again. Except this time you won't be in fear for your own life. No. This is worse. You will be in fear for your child's life.

But it's OK. Two years ago prepared you. You know how to fight. You know that nothing and no one will stop you from fighting for what you believe in. Or for who you believe in. You know now who to trust and who to confide in. More importantly, you know now who you can never trust. You know who is poison and you are prepared to do what it takes to keep the poison from infecting your family any longer.

Step three: Write yourself a short reminder to tuck into your wallet or post above your desk of just how brave you can and will be in 2015.

YOU GOT THIS. Don't let yourself forget that. Ever. 

This post is part of #reverb14, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Right Now, For Now

What is it that you do now? Today, we’re going to look at where we are, exactly as we are, right now. Grab a pen and a piece of paper; sit down in front of a screen with a keyboard; or dictate into one of those fancy smart phone apps!Tell us what fills your weeks, days and hours.

Right now I'm not at work. That's unusual for a Monday evening and feels very weird. Right now I'm also not at dance. Kid 4 has back-to-back dance classes tonight for four hours. It feels even weirder that I'm not at the dance school.

I am constantly struggling to find the balance between work/life/kids/myself. And I mostly fail.

At the beginning of this dance year I committed to only 2 nights per week to teach yoga/pilates and to help at the front desk. Of course I still have my full-time day job as well. Last year working full time days and four nights per week was just too much and my non-dancing kids got unintentionally ignored. As a single mom I'm working multiple jobs out of necessity, but that doesn't make it any easier on the kids who feel that I'm not giving them enough time. 

Since I work at a fitness center I fortunately can build exercise into my day. I go through spurts where I'm good about staying active and spurts where I'm not so active. Not coincidentally I feel better, more creative and am better able to keep the depression at bay when I'm moving and sweating more.

I also haven't been reading and writing as much as I would like to. I have been spending too much time laying in bed in front of reality TV at night. Mostly because I've been working too much, fighting depression and plain old exhausted.

Yes, I'm well aware that working too much and lack of self care are paths leading directly into depression for me. It's that whole struggle with balance thing I've got going on. It's just where I'm at right now.

For now. 

This post is part of #AugustMoon, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Exhausted, Scared and (Not Really) Alone

My conversation last night: 

Concerned friend:  You need to write a blog post.
Me:  I don't even know how anymore.
Concerned friend:  Yes you do.

And so here I am.  My first post in four months. I've thought about writing a few times. Many times I sat down to write and nothing would come out. It hasn't been the best of summers. Single mom stress and an unexpected kid crisis have gotten the best of me.

I've spent the past few weeks once again not sleeping well, chronic headaches, nauseous and constantly on the verge of tears. With all my years of yoga, health & fitness training and my time spent in self study and working with life coaches you'd think by now I'd have quite a toolbox of healthy stress relief measures at my disposal.

And I do. I just don't use them.

Instead I retreat into my shell. It's just me against the world. And since I don't know who I can trust I choose to trust no one.  Daily I'm reminded, and more often I remind myself, how scared and alone I am through it all.

Like a caged animal huddling in the corner I lash out and attack anyone who tries to help and comfort me. 

A few weeks ago a coworker returned from her vacation and gifted me with a jeweled anchor necklace. She told me she saw the anchor and thought of me because I'm the one that always anchors everyone together both at work and at home. I mean it when I tell her she's beautiful, the necklace is beautiful and the thought is beautiful.

But what I'm really thinking are anchors are the ones drowning on the bottom trying to keep everyone else afloat. I feel like I'm drowning here. I almost can't breathe I'm dropping so far down.

Who is going to save me? Oh yeah, no one.

Yet I continue on. Get up each morning, put a smile on my face, resist the urge to punch those who tell me how tired I look, try and make ends meet, and do what needs to be done to make sure everyone else is safe and healthy. 

Then this week two different people reminded me that I'm not alone and I need to take care of myself too. One was very nice and made me cry. The other yelled at me and made me cry. Since I didn't quite hear the message the first time I admit I needed the second one too.

One of my personal training clients is moving out of state. She has some unusual health issues that made her the kind of personal training client the other trainers didn't want and were afraid to train. But I love those challenges and we hit it off immediately. She made amazing progress and I'm crazy proud of her.

Before she left for her new home, she came in to the gym one last time. She had a box in her hand and she explained to me that during her time with the fire department she was part of a tradition. She

explained that fire fighters and other first responders will present one another with a gift to thank them for having their back in an emergency. 

When I opened the box I saw a shiny rescue knife. As I took it out of the box she told me, "you've had my back all this time. I want you to remember someone will always have your back too."

Someone will have my back? Really? I wonder who.

Then the phone call yesterday. Those closest to me know when something is wrong. They know when I'm struggling and when I'm not asking for help. They also know I sometimes need tough love. Some words were exchanged. I cried.  I finally admitted I'm exhausted and afraid. 

And here I am now. I've spent most of the day feeling sick. But I think it's more just wore out than regular sickness. 

As directed by my friend I finally wrote a blog post. And tomorrow if I feel better I will go to my first led yoga class in a couple months. It's entirely possible I'll spend most of the class in child's pose crying. And that's OK.

I've been receiving email reminders for a couple weeks now asking me to once again participate in a series of writing prompts that my fellow writer friends use to keep up with their daily writing practice. Day One's prompt is Set An Intention.

So here I go. My intention, no my need, is to stop drowning myself. To remember I have those willing to help if I would just ask. And to recognize those who do love and care about me and stop pushing them away, but rather hold on to them and not let go.

This post is part of #AugustMoon, a series of daily writing prompts found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.

Quiet Moments To Begin The Day

Kid 5 told me tonight he was going to wake up 20 minutes earlier than usual for school tomorrow morning. 

Why do you want to do that I asked?

So we can get back to bed sooner!

My 11-year-old didn't mean he was already looking forward to going to bed tomorrow night. No, he meant he was looking forward to our new morning ritual, crawling back into bed and snuggling together the last few minutes before it's time to leave for the bus. 

I don't remember exactly when we began this new routine. Surely it was a morning that I was exhausted before the sun even rose and I attempted to crawl into bed while the kids finished getting ready for school.

With kids in each of the elementary, middle and high schools we have staggered times for waking up and for leaving the house in the morning. Kid 4 leaves the house first to catch the bus. As a preteen girl she's usually busy flat ironing her already straight hair up until it's time to leave for school. As she grabs her assorted Vera Bradley gear ( I swear between the purse, backpack and lunch box she looks like Vera Bradley threw up on her ) she walks back to my room for one last goodbye. 

Kids 2 & 3 are next. They just sit on the couch in silence until Kid 2 says come on and they go get in his car to drive to the high school. Even though they are teen boys they still look over their shoulder and say goodbye and love you while walking out the door. 

Kids 5 & 6 are the last to leave yet lately are the first to be finished getting ready for school. Once I finish kid 6's hair (bun or french braid today?) she runs off to brush her teeth and debate with her brother who gets to lay next to mommy.

After one early morning of arguing over who got to lay next to me I nipped that in the bud pretty quick and I now lay in the middle of the bed. The two remaining kids climb in next to me and pull up the covers. 

Sometimes we talk and sometimes we lay there and doze. I've learned to set my iPhone alarm just in case we do fall back asleep. Missing the bus would certainly ruin the calm of the morning.

I've written before about my difficulties with Kid 5 since the divorce, so this morning ritual is even more special to me knowing he's willing to get up even earlier to have quiet time with me. An argument the night before is always forgiven and forgotten the next morning. 

My hope is the peaceful start to the day will carry with each of my kids as they venture away from the sanctuary of home and out into the world. 

Caught napping together a few years ago when Kid 5 was
much smaller and I was much blonder.

Taking the High Road - It's Exhausting

One of my new friends recently said how tired she was always staying on the high road.

Tired? I'm downright exhausted.

Always trying to say the right thing. To do the right thing. To not cause trouble. To meet everyone elses needs totally forgetting my own. To do what is best for the kids.

When you stay on the high road it takes all your strength to hold on when it would just be so much easier to let go and fall. Staying on the high road means I don't get to throw the well-deserved tantrum I want to throw!

I don't know how else to stay on the high road except to swallow my ego, bite my tongue and paint a smile on my face.

When discussing my bite my tongue philosophy, another friend reminded me "sainthood generally gets you burned, at the stake if nothing else". But I in no way think I'm vying for sainthood.

Some days I am far from saintly. Tonight was one of those nights. It had already been a rough couple of days and tonight I was having an issue with one of the kids that I have had repeatedly since the divorce. We've been to counseling, I've been firm and I've been loving. And yet we keep repeating the same pattern.

It's exhausting!

And tonight I lost my shit. I mean I LOST IT. I threw my long over due temper tantrum reminding certain children who the adult in this house is and everyone follows the same rules and yeah sometimes life isn't fair and I don't want to deal with this anymore so just go to bed. NOW.

Apparently it was a good temper tantrum because even kid 4, my preteen girl who is just like me, got quiet and took herself to bed too.

So tonight I let out a roar and my grip on the high road slipped just a little. But it's OK. In fact I think it was necessary.

Sometimes standing up for yourself is more important than what road you're on.

2014- Bring It: #reverb13 Day 21

Then, without thinking too hard about it, grab a pen and some paper and finish the following five sentences:

2014 is going to be MY YEAR because...

In 2014, I am going to do...

In 2014, I am going to feel...

In 2014, I am not going to...

In December 2014, I am going to look back and say...

For bonus points, if you participated in #reverb12, compare your answers to the ones you wrote this time last year. What has been revealed? Where are the surprises?

2014 is going to be my year because:  I have claimed it as mine.

In 2014 I am going to: See my book in print. Look only forward.  Follow my bliss. Listen to my heart. Be more present. Be more open.

In 2014 I am going to feel:  Happy. Contented. Excited. Confident. Loved.

In 2014 I am not going to: Talk myself out of taking chances. Be the first to put myself down. Constantly compare myself to others. Play small.

In December 2014 I am going to look back and say: Holy shit, I did it!

I didn't participate in #reverb12 last year. I was still in the eye of the storm of 2012 and nowhere near being ready to look back at what had happened. I certainly was in no condition to be manifesting for the year ahead.

Now as I sit here in December 2013 looking back at what all I've gone through, I can say:

Holy shit, I made it!

This post is part of #reverb13, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and to manifest the year ahead. This prompt was found at Kat McNally Words To Soothe The Weary Soul.