Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Taking the High Road - It's Exhausting

One of my new friends recently said how tired she was always staying on the high road.

Tired? I'm downright exhausted.

Always trying to say the right thing. To do the right thing. To not cause trouble. To meet everyone elses needs totally forgetting my own. To do what is best for the kids.

When you stay on the high road it takes all your strength to hold on when it would just be so much easier to let go and fall. Staying on the high road means I don't get to throw the well-deserved tantrum I want to throw!

I don't know how else to stay on the high road except to swallow my ego, bite my tongue and paint a smile on my face.

When discussing my bite my tongue philosophy, another friend reminded me "sainthood generally gets you burned, at the stake if nothing else". But I in no way think I'm vying for sainthood.

Some days I am far from saintly. Tonight was one of those nights. It had already been a rough couple of days and tonight I was having an issue with one of the kids that I have had repeatedly since the divorce. We've been to counseling, I've been firm and I've been loving. And yet we keep repeating the same pattern.

It's exhausting!

And tonight I lost my shit. I mean I LOST IT. I threw my long over due temper tantrum reminding certain children who the adult in this house is and everyone follows the same rules and yeah sometimes life isn't fair and I don't want to deal with this anymore so just go to bed. NOW.

Apparently it was a good temper tantrum because even kid 4, my preteen girl who is just like me, got quiet and took herself to bed too.

So tonight I let out a roar and my grip on the high road slipped just a little. But it's OK. In fact I think it was necessary.

Sometimes standing up for yourself is more important than what road you're on.

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