Self-knowledge

December 14 – Jnana (Self-knowledge)
Name something you did that was completely out of character. How did it feel?


This is the year I decided to stop fighting my natural body shape and instead accept it.


Except it wasn't that easy.


This is also the year I've gained and lost the same 10-15 pounds a couple times. There are physical reasons for the weight gain, but there are also more emotional reasons that caused it.  In the industry I'm in, looks matter. But what I learned was they matter way more to me than to those who know me.


My first step to acceptance came in an Elephant Journal article I wrote called Does My Inner Goddess Look Fat In These Jeans?   After a difficult day at the gym, I came home and while holding back tears sat and wrote off the cuff. The whole post took me about 20 minutes to write, and in an act of never-before-seen in me bravery, I published it before I had time to think twice.


The response was overwhelming. The comments and emails I received were touching, honest and raw. Yes, looks matter. But our own warped perception of ourselves is clouding how much (and how little) they matter to those who love us.


I've done a lot of internal work on myself this year and I knew I had succeeded when in the store dressing room one afternoon I pulled on a pair of jeans a size bigger than I've worn in the past six years and didn't cry, didn't scream and didn't immediately start crash dieting. This is where I am now. That's where I was. And I'll probably be somewhere different in a few months. It's OK.


But then the real challenge came. Elephant Journal assistant editor Hannah Siegle wrote a series of posts on real women, real bodies and real bellies. She even included pictures and encouraged us to send in our own pictures of our own real bellies. Each picture featured a woman holding her hands in the heart mudra over her belly as a symbol of self love. 


I sat and cheered on the women who were writing and sending in their own pictures. I followed the posts glad to see women standing up and saying "This is me. I am not a photoshopped picture. This is who I am."


And then fellow Elephant writer Kate Bartolotta asked where my picture was. Damn. Time to walk the walk and talk the talk. So tonight I emailed Hannah my real belly picture to include in an upcoming post she's writing. 


And in the ultimate act of self-acceptance I am willing to post the picture here as well. 


This is the real me. No photoshop. And I love the real me, belly and all. 


This post is part of #reverb11, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found here. (Yes I'm a little behind and writing some out of order.)

Gratitude

December 28 – Agradecimiento (Gratitude)
What eleven things were you grateful for in 2011?


For the month of November I participated with hundreds of other yogi's and bloggers in A Month of Gratitude . Each day for the month I listed five things I was grateful for that day. Some days it was a stretch to remember to be grateful. Other days I could have listed 500 reasons. 


At the end of the month I looked back and was surprised that a few items kept popping up over and over.

1.  Laughter -  If you can make me laugh you've won me over. And even in the midst of tears there was a lot of laughter this year. 
2. Yoga - well this one is probably pretty obvious. I've told people that yoga saved my life. Although it sounds quite melodramatic, it's true. I found yoga at a time when I was spiraling down and my life was breaking apart. Yoga helped me find me again.
3. Teaching - when I was younger I thought of becoming a college literature professor. Instead I ended up as a yoga teacher. When I'm in front of a class and I feel that yoga vibe flowing through the room, I know I am where I am supposed to be. 
4. Teachers - I've been blessed to have had many amazing teachers in my life - both yoga and non yoga. This year I needed extra guidance and the perfect teachers entered my life at the perfect time. 
5. Reading - I don't understand when people say they don't like to read. How is that possible? I am usually reading more than one book at a time and I get anxious when I realize my bookshelf is getting low.  This summer I broke down and bought a Kindle and well, it's been pure literary heaven.
6. My family - I have six children and they make me absolutely f'ing nuts at times. But thank God they are all healthy, basically productive members of society. Chauffeuring them and cheering them on at their sports activities takes up a lot of my time, yet it made my gratitude list more than a few times. And my husband who also makes me absolutely f'ing nuts at time. Yet, in all our years together he's never once said 'lose weight', 'get a job', or 'no you can't go and do....'
7. Sun - I need the sun on my face. I need to feel the warmth on my skin. It's why I have such a hard time with the Tennessee rainy, dreary winters here. I try to find a spot for my morning meditations where my face is at least towards the sun while I sit. On my yoga training trips to California I am always the girl who is laying out in the sun with my books while the others are under shade umbrellas and complaining of the heat. I feel like a lizard needing to soak up the warmth while I can.
8. Friends - I'm not the most social person and I almost never have a GNO, but my friends are very special to me. They've stepped up when I needed their help. They've fed, cared for and helped my kids without being asked. And most of all they help me remember we're all in this together. 
9. New opportunities - if ten years ago you'd have told me I'd be teaching yoga, leading trainings and writing for online publications I'd have thought you were nuts. But here I am. My major in college was print communications and I used to write for newspapers and magazines. And then I had kids. And I lost brain cells. And I stopped writing. Eventually a friend encouraged me to give blogging a try, which led to friendships with other bloggers, eventually a guest post to Elephant Journal, and now my very own page on Elephant Journal! 
10. Tea - both iced and hot. This sounds shallow to have made my gratitude list so often, but it's more than just the drink itself. I'm not a coffee drinker, but the reason I go to Starbucks so often is for the experience. When I walk in, people smile at me. They say hi and ask how I'm doing and where I'm teaching. They will either have my iced green tea or hot green tea waiting for me. Sure I can make tea at home and I do quite often. But it's not the same.
11. Internet/Computers/Technology - Technology has made this blog possible. Technology made it possible for me to resume my writing career. Technology has brought me in touch with some of the most amazing yogi's and writers I'd never have met without Twitter and Blogger. Technology helped me find my voice again, connected me with people I didn't know I needed until I found them and has opened up the world to me.

This post is part of #reverb11, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found here.

December 27 – Metta (Lovingkindness)
To whom do you wish to send metta?


My Family

My Yoga Family:

This post is part of #reverb11, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found here.

Thanks

December 11 – Gracias (Thanks)
Appreciation and acknowledgement are corner stones to building trust and deepening relationships. Write a thank you note or poem to someone who impacted your life in 2011.


Dear Cousin Trudie -
This time last year I was throwing anything within reach into a suitcase to get to the airport. Weeks earlier you called and told me you'd like to pay for me and my six kids to fly home to spend Christmas with my mom. We all knew it would be her last Christmas, but I couldn't accept a gift with such a huge financial cost. You insisted and I resisted. Finally, your husband sent me a Facebook message telling me not to "be an ass" and accept the gift. The gift wasn't to me, it was to my mom. OK, we'll book the flight. Oh my god the cost for seven people to fly, I don't know that I can ever repay this. How do you even begin to say thank you for something so priceless?


Dear AirTran representatives -
Thank you for helping me to quickly reschedule my Christmas Day flight to Christmas Eve once we realized the entire Northeast part of the country was going to be snowed in. It was about 2:30pm Christmas Eve when you asked if I could make a 5pm flight. Yes, no matter what, I will get us to the airport in time! (Hence the throwing things into suitcases). Thank you to the AirTran flight attendants who helped me arrange seating on the plane so that one of the older kids was sitting next to one of the younger kids on our flight from Memphis to Atlanta and then Atlanta to Philly.


Dear Hertz Rental Car employee -
Thank you for staying past your scheduled closing time, knowing that my plane wouldn't land until after midnight and I needed a car big enough to get all seven of us up to my moms house in the very, very early hours of Christmas morning. Thank you for your kindness in not only upgrading our rental, but having it full of gas and warmed up and running for us as we got there. Also thank you for your help in loading the suitcases and sleeping kids into the car.


Dear American Express representative -
Thank you for taking my call at about 1:30am on Christmas morning to figure out why my card wouldn't work. You realized it was an error and we were able to fix it quickly so that I could put my six very tired kids (and one exhausted momma) into the Hertz upgraded SUV and begin drive home to my mom. A drive that was now happening in the beginning of a blizzard.

Dear weather gods -

Thank you for giving my children a white Christmas. My Southern kids don't often get to see snow, and the chance to sled down the same hill that I sled on as a kid was priceless. Although, I must admit, as an adult standing at the bottom of the hill in the biting wind and blowing snow, it isn't as much fun as I remember it being as a kid myself.

Dear Mom -

Thank you for hanging on for just one more Christmas. I think you knew things were getting worse, but you also knew we needed this time together. Thank you for sitting in the cold ice rink and laughing as the kids ice skated. I know it must have been torture on your hurting body, but we all laughed and had so much fun. I hope its a memory the kids will always have of you. 
Thank you for teaching me when to graciously accept a gift. Thank you for teaching me to be the kind of mom not afraid to travel alone with six kids and the confidence to handle the stress that brings with a sense of humor. Thank you for always providing a safe place to land, not just early on Christmas morning, but any time I needed it. Thank you for being an awesome Mimi to so many grandchildren. 
Thank you for one last Christmas.


This post is part of #reverb11, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found here.

Wandering, Resourcefulness & Joy

December 8 – Dharma (The Path)
Wandering can be good for the over-focused creative. How did you wander well this year?
December 9 – Listo (Resourcefulness)
How resourceful were you in 2011? What new ways could you incorporate resourcefulness into 2012?
December 10 – Ananda (Joy)
A positive frame of mind is a habit. How have you silenced the propaganda factory of negativity with positive thought and behavior in your life in 2011? How has this changed your day-to-day being?


This year, 2011 will probably be remembered as my year of searching. Searching for meaning, searching for understanding, searching for something to make sense of my life. 


I wandered aimlessly for quite awhile, thinking I could do it on my own and find my own answers. That didn't work too well for me. In fact it ended with me breaking my back (not literally although it felt like it) and developing pneumonia (yes literally pneumonia). 


OK, I give up. I can't do it on my own.


In a moment of physical pain and emotional desperation, I knelt against a friends massage table and sobbed. Well, more than sobbed. I blubbered and sniveled. And finally agreed to go see the doctor who had been recommended to me months ago.


And my wandering became less random, more focused, and the healing began. 


There was still crying and blubbering. But this time with a purpose. I was open to exposing hurts that had been hidden and open to exposing truths that needed to be said. 


And a funny thing happened. I was still living the same life, yet was more content than I had been in a long time. I was hopeful that the tears and sadness would clear and I'd find something different. Dare I even say joyful? 


I gained quite a bit of weight this year. Yep. I sure did. I even had to buy a pair of jeans a size bigger. It's weight. It comes on and it will come off.


One of my teens has really tested his boundaries and my parenting skills this year. My heart breaks today but I'm confident it will swell with pride tomorrow.


I still am dealing with all the same crap that I've been dealing with for years. My reaction to it is different. Calmer. More peaceful. 


The path that led me to this place took 40 plus years to pave with good, bad and difficult decisions. I now own those decisions, claim the good ones and release the bad ones. 


It feels good to release that burden. It makes space to let some joy in. 

This post is part of #reverb11, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found here.

I Don't Usually Get Political, But...

Dear out-of-touch-with-reality politicians -

If someone is willing to put their life in danger to serve in the military, I don't care who shares their bed at night.

Because I don't assume everyone is or should be a Christian and celebrate the same holidays I do doesn't mean I'm waging a war on religion.

I don't care how many wives you've had.

I want to pay my bills and send my kids to college.

Get out of my bed, get out of my religion and fix the economy.

Thank you,

A voting American who is not as dumb as you think.

Calm

December 7 – Tranquilo (Calm)

Sometimes the most beautiful, memorable moments are also the quietest. What quiet, beautiful moment do you recall?

This post is part of #reverb11, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found here.

Health

December 6 – Salud (Health)

What did you do for your body's benefit this year?


This is the year I gave up worrying about being skinny. 


My new goal is to be the most awesome 90 year old I can be. So any decision I make now is based on will this food/activity lead me to be an awesome 90 year old? Will it feed my cells or bring disease to my cells? Will it keep me physically active as well as mentally alert?


Someday I want to stand up and proudly say to my senior exercise class I am 90 years old.

My SilverSneakers class - some of the
strongest, fittest Seniors around!

This post is part of #reverb11, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found here.

Dream

December 5 – Sueno (Dream)

What was your dream come true in 2011? What is your wildest dream for 2012?


For the first time in a long time I'm letting myself dream and believe that those dreams will come true.

Becoming The Teacher

December 5 – Guru (Teacher)

What was the most important lesson you learned about yourself in 2011? Was it a sudden epiphany or a gradual realization?


Excerpts from an email I received last night:

But I think I was waiting for you to step into my life as a teacher.

You are a magnificent teacher. Thank you, Jennifer. 

Me? A teacher? Yes, I'm a yoga teacher obviously. But is it possible I have life lessons to teach as well?


This year I've seen how, like yoga, teaching is also a lineage handed down from teacher to student. And then the student has the responsibility to pass along what she has learned.


The lessons are only learned when applied and then passed along. 

Laughter, Love & Letting Go

December 3 – Anicca (Impermanence)

What did you let go of this year? Whom did you let go?


Please read day 3 of #Reverb11 over on Elephant Journal:


Laughter, Love & Letting Go - or - The Story Of The Day I Let Go of My Mom & My Dog Rolled In Her Ashes

One Of Us

December 2 – Sangha (Tribe)

Where have you discovered community in 2011? What are the defining characteristics and essential qualities of your tribe?

I'd been thinking about this prompt all day, conflicted about who really is a part of my tribe. Obviously family, obviously friends, obviously some coworkers. But who really gets me? Who do I feel a sisterhood with? Who do I feel I could say any secret to and they wouldn't be shocked or upset? Who would listen and then say "me too!"


Then today, someone I definitely consider part of my tribe, was telling me a story and halfway through she paused, leaned in, and whispered, "she's one of us."


And I knew what she meant.


I don't meet with all my members of my tribe regularly. But I know where to find them. And they find me when I need them. We don't all live in the same geographical location, but thanks to technology we can talk, meet, learn from each other and remind each other we're not alone.


I don't need to name names, I know who is a part of my tribe. And I love them for that.

This post is part of #reverb11, a series of daily writing prompts to explore the year passed and manifest the year ahead. I'm following the prompts found here.

Looking Back, Turning In, Moving Forward

December 1 – Palabra (Word)

Encapsulate your 2011 in one word. Why that word? What would you like your word to be for 2012? Why?


Implosion.


The year 2011 has been an implosion of both my little ego self and my bigger spiritual Self.


The obvious-to-those around me changes I've been through this year are many.  The death of my mom, letting go of old and no longer healthy relationships, new career opportunities, heart breaking incidents with those I love, and a series of freak injuries and illnesses have made this an officially shitty year. 


But a shitty year with potential.


There have also been less outwardly obvious changes this year as well. As life around me seemed to tumble in, I turned more inward. It's time to no longer skate through life, bouncing from drama to drama and feeling like I'm being led by an unknown force. No more. It's time to ask the big questions. Not just who am I, but what am I? Not just what do I want, but what do I need? Not just what am I doing, but what am I supposed to do?


Shortly after my mom left me a series of teachers entered my life. They have held me accountable to asking the questions and finding the answers. They've encouraged me to explore parts of myself I didn't know existed. I've been asked questions about myself I didn't know the answers to. At times I've felt confused, conflicted and beaten up. But never betrayed. 


As my internal transformation is progressing, my outward appearance has shifted as well. I used to arrive at the gym early to get in extra cardio before teaching a full days of classes. I had very strict food rules based on what will keep me looking the way I think others think I should. 


The more I turned inward and began searching for my authentic self, the less I felt the need to hold myself to the standards imposed by others. I haven't been to the gym for extra workouts in months. I've allowed myself to eat - and enjoy -  cheeseburgers, sugar and even fried foods. The results are extra pudge around my middle and a rounder face. Yet I am oddly content with it. I know that this body, and the current shape of this body, are only temporary. I'll soon return my attention to my physical fitness and appearance, but this time it won't be reasons of vanity. It will be for health and self love.


I think my implosion is nearing completion and I'm now purging old demons, old hurts and old deeply buried cancerous emotions. Like a snake shedding it's skin, I'm easing my way out of what no longer serves me.


My word for 2012? Awakening.


This post is the first in a series for #Reverb11, a series of writing prompts to reflect on the year that has passed and look forward to the year ahead. You don't need to be an established or published writer, everyone is invited to participate. You can read more about #Reverb11 here on Elephant Journal  and get the daily writing prompts that I'll be following here on the Yoga Freedom Blog.