Looking Back, Turning In, Moving Forward

December 1 – Palabra (Word)

Encapsulate your 2011 in one word. Why that word? What would you like your word to be for 2012? Why?


Implosion.


The year 2011 has been an implosion of both my little ego self and my bigger spiritual Self.


The obvious-to-those around me changes I've been through this year are many.  The death of my mom, letting go of old and no longer healthy relationships, new career opportunities, heart breaking incidents with those I love, and a series of freak injuries and illnesses have made this an officially shitty year. 


But a shitty year with potential.


There have also been less outwardly obvious changes this year as well. As life around me seemed to tumble in, I turned more inward. It's time to no longer skate through life, bouncing from drama to drama and feeling like I'm being led by an unknown force. No more. It's time to ask the big questions. Not just who am I, but what am I? Not just what do I want, but what do I need? Not just what am I doing, but what am I supposed to do?


Shortly after my mom left me a series of teachers entered my life. They have held me accountable to asking the questions and finding the answers. They've encouraged me to explore parts of myself I didn't know existed. I've been asked questions about myself I didn't know the answers to. At times I've felt confused, conflicted and beaten up. But never betrayed. 


As my internal transformation is progressing, my outward appearance has shifted as well. I used to arrive at the gym early to get in extra cardio before teaching a full days of classes. I had very strict food rules based on what will keep me looking the way I think others think I should. 


The more I turned inward and began searching for my authentic self, the less I felt the need to hold myself to the standards imposed by others. I haven't been to the gym for extra workouts in months. I've allowed myself to eat - and enjoy -  cheeseburgers, sugar and even fried foods. The results are extra pudge around my middle and a rounder face. Yet I am oddly content with it. I know that this body, and the current shape of this body, are only temporary. I'll soon return my attention to my physical fitness and appearance, but this time it won't be reasons of vanity. It will be for health and self love.


I think my implosion is nearing completion and I'm now purging old demons, old hurts and old deeply buried cancerous emotions. Like a snake shedding it's skin, I'm easing my way out of what no longer serves me.


My word for 2012? Awakening.


This post is the first in a series for #Reverb11, a series of writing prompts to reflect on the year that has passed and look forward to the year ahead. You don't need to be an established or published writer, everyone is invited to participate. You can read more about #Reverb11 here on Elephant Journal  and get the daily writing prompts that I'll be following here on the Yoga Freedom Blog.