What A Sweet Thursday

Today was a good day.

I've been warned that the first year during a divorce is the hardest because you have to get through all the holidays and special occasions alone. Well, first of all, I'm not alone. I've got six kids to keep me busy and keep me company. And second, Valentines Day was never that big a deal for me anyway. I haven't gotten a Valentines present in about, oh I don't even know how long.

So I wasn't feeling lonely or worried about today. I had no expectations at all other than it would be a regular Thursday.

But most regular Thursdays don't start out with a sweet card. Or a box of chocolates. They don't have unexpected text messages, afternoon phone calls, hand-delivered flowers, single roses or a delicious dinner out full of laughter and friends.

But today my Thursday included all of those things. And the love and thoughtfulness behind each one of those gifts meant more to me than money could ever buy.

The Tooth Fairy Sucks!

Or: Ways I'm Failing As A Mother

Like most middle aged women faced with a sudden and unexpected divorce, I've had to put on my big girl panties and get a full time job. The job is going well, but the transition at home has been a bit more difficult.

• Kid 6 lost a tooth 6 days ago. The tooth fairy forgot to leave a dollar under her pillow. Then she forgot the next night. She forgot five nights in a row. Finally kid 5 took charge and "found" a dollar bill under his sisters bed for her. 
• Today I worked a little over 12 hours. My kids were left to themselves for dinner. Four of the kids got themselves fast food. One of the girls who works for me ran my other two kids to the grocery store to pick up microwavable food they could heat and eat in my office.
• Last week kid 1 called me at work to ask if I knew I was supposed to pick up kid 3 after school from detention. Umm, yeah yeah tell him I'm on my way! Don't bother, he said, kid 3 found a ride home on his own.
• I promised kids 5 & 6 I would be like the other moms and visit them for lunch at school one day. That was three months ago.
• I've sent kid 2 to the doctor along with a note telling her to call me and let me know what's wrong rather than take the afternoon off to take him myself. He is 16 and I've known the doctor for years, but still it feels like a parent should be there in the waiting room.
• My standards of a clean house have been drastically reduced. Has the vacuum been run? (yes just don't look under the furniture). Have the dishes been washed? (yes just don't ask if the kids used soap and hot water). OK, good enough.
• I can count on one hand how many times we've eaten dinner together as a family at the dining room table in the past 6 months.
• The older kids are in charge of checking the younger kids homework. And yes they even sign on the parental signature line.
• I got a card in the mail from the orthodontist telling me I forgot an appointment. All appointments now get a reminder set to ring on my iPhone.
• When they complain I just tell them they can thank me in 20 years when they have plenty to talk about with their own therapist.

How Good It Feels...

To smile. To laugh.

To forget - even temporarily -  the trauma of the past 6 months.

To handle things because I'm capable, not because I have to.

To have a new appreciation for the small joys in life; Saturday nights at home with the kids, a good nights sleep, a day (multiple days) without tears.

To begin to believe that there is light and happiness in my future.

To begin to let go of the why and understand that although it will never make sense, it's not mine to have to justify.

To feel the stirring of the urge to once again write, to teach and to be creative.