What A Sweet Thursday

Today was a good day.

I've been warned that the first year during a divorce is the hardest because you have to get through all the holidays and special occasions alone. Well, first of all, I'm not alone. I've got six kids to keep me busy and keep me company. And second, Valentines Day was never that big a deal for me anyway. I haven't gotten a Valentines present in about, oh I don't even know how long.

So I wasn't feeling lonely or worried about today. I had no expectations at all other than it would be a regular Thursday.

But most regular Thursdays don't start out with a sweet card. Or a box of chocolates. They don't have unexpected text messages, afternoon phone calls, hand-delivered flowers, single roses or a delicious dinner out full of laughter and friends.

But today my Thursday included all of those things. And the love and thoughtfulness behind each one of those gifts meant more to me than money could ever buy.

The Tooth Fairy Sucks!

Or: Ways I'm Failing As A Mother

Like most middle aged women faced with a sudden and unexpected divorce, I've had to put on my big girl panties and get a full time job. The job is going well, but the transition at home has been a bit more difficult.

• Kid 6 lost a tooth 6 days ago. The tooth fairy forgot to leave a dollar under her pillow. Then she forgot the next night. She forgot five nights in a row. Finally kid 5 took charge and "found" a dollar bill under his sisters bed for her. 
• Today I worked a little over 12 hours. My kids were left to themselves for dinner. Four of the kids got themselves fast food. One of the girls who works for me ran my other two kids to the grocery store to pick up microwavable food they could heat and eat in my office.
• Last week kid 1 called me at work to ask if I knew I was supposed to pick up kid 3 after school from detention. Umm, yeah yeah tell him I'm on my way! Don't bother, he said, kid 3 found a ride home on his own.
• I promised kids 5 & 6 I would be like the other moms and visit them for lunch at school one day. That was three months ago.
• I've sent kid 2 to the doctor along with a note telling her to call me and let me know what's wrong rather than take the afternoon off to take him myself. He is 16 and I've known the doctor for years, but still it feels like a parent should be there in the waiting room.
• My standards of a clean house have been drastically reduced. Has the vacuum been run? (yes just don't look under the furniture). Have the dishes been washed? (yes just don't ask if the kids used soap and hot water). OK, good enough.
• I can count on one hand how many times we've eaten dinner together as a family at the dining room table in the past 6 months.
• The older kids are in charge of checking the younger kids homework. And yes they even sign on the parental signature line.
• I got a card in the mail from the orthodontist telling me I forgot an appointment. All appointments now get a reminder set to ring on my iPhone.
• When they complain I just tell them they can thank me in 20 years when they have plenty to talk about with their own therapist.

How Good It Feels...

To smile. To laugh.

To forget - even temporarily -  the trauma of the past 6 months.

To handle things because I'm capable, not because I have to.

To have a new appreciation for the small joys in life; Saturday nights at home with the kids, a good nights sleep, a day (multiple days) without tears.

To begin to believe that there is light and happiness in my future.

To begin to let go of the why and understand that although it will never make sense, it's not mine to have to justify.

To feel the stirring of the urge to once again write, to teach and to be creative.

Be Content

Today I was agitated. Too much reality.

My mind was elsewhere. I wanted to be elsewhere.

I walked outside this evening in a huff to accomplish yet another task on my never-ending to do list and this is what I saw.

I just stood spellbound for a minute. Eventually I called the kids outside and we all sat and watched the sunset. My mom always said she loved southern skies. 

Be content. 

It's going to be ok. 

*This picture is not photoshopped and was taken with nothing more than my iPhone.

The Journey - A Poem

I found this poem tonight on my friend Jilda's blog Transformation Information. After an emotional weekend, I know I was meant to read it tonight. Thank you Jilda and thank you to the original author Mary Oliver.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save. 

 

~ Mary Oliver ~

 

(Dream Work)

 

My God Is Loving Not Vengeful

This picture has been making the rounds on Facebook and other social media sites. It's been tagged to my wall a few times by well meaning friends.

I'm not a church-going Christian and I tend to interchange Universe with God. I've both been on my knees praying to God as well as standing obstinate yelling at Him.

But this picture bothers me. It bothers me deeply.

My understanding of the Christian belief is God is everywhere and "where one or more gather I am there". I am confident in those terrible minutes of incomprehensible violence, many prayers were being spoken and God's name was being called.

I don't believe in a God that would "allow" such atrocities simply because prayers aren't formally spoken in a classroom. If that was the case, why did He "allow" the Amish school shooting from a few years ago?

Violence is in our society and it has affected our schools and our kids. Saying violence is in the schools simply because we don't allow prayer and it is God's punishment on us is just one step away from becoming a  member of the Westboro Church group. And I'm just not comfortable assuming I know  why God would punish someone or how he chooses who to punish. I don't even believe God is a punishing God.

School shootings, as are any mass act of violence, are the acts of a mad man. A sick, flawed, human mad man.

And every time it happens, I believe God weeps.

Strong Women, Creating Art & Finding A Rich New Life

"Today, and everyday, I walk in the wake of millionaires who have gone before me creating a clear path for me to follow."

--- Wanda Marie

21 Day Wealthy Consciousness Affirmation

www.queenacademy.com

As I read today's affirmation, I didn't immediately think of millionaires in the sense of financially wealthy women.  Rather, I thought of women who have been been cast aside only to later rise up and become women of power and strength.

Women who were left, left to raise children alone, pushed aside or in any number of other ways told they weren't good enough anymore. Women who held their head high, who refused to accept their second place status and forged a new life for themselves.

I've always been very selective in my friendships - at times being accused of being a snob. I own it. I don't want to be around people who bring me down. I don't want to be around people who get their own self worth from hurting others.

I choose my female friends based on their moral character. They may not necessarily make the same decisions as me, but they operate on a higher level of consciousness. They value the bond between women, between mothers and between families.

Tonight I had the pleasure of spending time with two such women. Neither are financially wealthy, but they've both been where I am now and they have cleared a path for me to follow to build my own fruitful life. They are both examples to me that building a new life for myself is possible and I am capable.

Tonight was about celebrating our bond as women. Acknowledging the stages of our life, both the light and the dark times. There was no gossip or negativity, just love and creativity.

Although the pictures were similar, we each created with our own vision of ourselves and our life; where we were, where we are and where we want to be.  It was a very rich night of my life indeed.