But sometimes, the demons don't want to go away. Sometimes they are hunkered down for the long haul and no amount of writing, exercise or ice cream will make them go away.
And then I feel stuck. Depression sets in. I lose all interest in writing. I can barely bring myself to read the posts from all the other amazing bloggers I follow who don't ever seem to get down and stuck.
They don't ever get writer's block. Maybe they don't even have demons? Maybe their life is filled with unicorns and writer's retreats?
Not me. My life seems to be one crisis after another. To the point that I even don't want to talk to friends anymore for fear of being "that girl who only ever has bad news". I pull away from friends and loved ones so my negativity doesn't bring them down too.
Yet the demons in my head are still screaming. I've managed to jot down a few notes this past week of the randomness in my mind. Maybe eventually they will turn into amazing pieces of writing. Or maybe I'll forget about them until they start shouting again.
Writing is an isolating activity. Living in turmoil is isolating. I am constantly surrounded by people all screaming at me to meet their needs, yet I feel so alone. And I feel like I'm failing everyone, including myself.
Yet my book is called Creating A Joyful Life. I don't feel very joyful right now. If I admit that does it mean I'm a hypocrite?
Add hypocrisy to the list of my insecurities today.
I feel ya. I'll go through months where I won't even pick up the pen and I'm literally having to drag myself out of bed. I haven't been officially diganosed (because my doctor sucks) but I'm fairly sure it's a mix of bipolar depression. I'll have high energy months, too, where I get TONS of stuff ton, then back into that pit for a while. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteWriting is solitary, but if you need it you can always find someone to talk to!
- Madilyn Quinn @ NovelBrews
I suffer from depression too. I have good days and bad days too. I don't think you are failing anyone. You have a lot on your shoulders. You're a mom for starters, which is a tough job. I don't' have kids, but I have a mom and I admire her for still putting up with us. Do what you can. Take time for yourself, which I know can seem impossible. Do whatever you need to to make yourself feel better. For me, its staying away from people. That's how I recharge my batteries. The quickest way to depress me is put me in a crowd.
ReplyDeleteIf writing out your thoughts helps, do that. If you want to have a good cry, which I have done, go for it. There will be times when you just want to stay in bed and not do anything, but don't give up on yourself. You are a good person and you do deserve to be loved and taken care of. You do deserve good things.
Hi Jennifer!
ReplyDeleteSingle mother to six kids! No wonder you sometimes get down from all the demands on you! Not to mention responsibilities. I'm surprised you find any time to write.
I've struggled with depression too, but somehow I've always pulled through. I've found that nature helps me to clear my head and often helps me climb out of the doldrums. Music too!
I could never shut down the negative tapes playing in my head until I got help and ultimately went on medication for depression and anxiety. It was life-changing for me!
I really like what Murees Dupé wrote (above). Hang in there and don't give up! Write when you can, and be kind with yourself when you can't! Most of us do the best we can given the circumstances, so sometimes we need to cut ourselves a little slack! Take care! Hugs to you!
Living in turmoil is enough to make anyone crazy. I can't imagine trying to raise six kids by myself. I would feel completely overwhelmed. The two I have keep me busy enough. And no, I don't think you're a hypocrite. Everyone has bad days when they don't feel happy. Don't give up or be too hard on yourself. Try to find a way to give yourself some TLC. You deserve it.
ReplyDeleteDon't pull away from friends. The devil wants you isolated. You need to surround yourself with people who will lift you up. And I doubt you are the downer person every time.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the IWSG!
I intermittently suffer with depression. I bet all those bloggers who don't seem to get writers block or have demons struggle just as much as we do somedays! Exercise is how I clear my head. It doesn't always work straight away, but a few days of intense physical exercise can help break through a rough patch, and all that blood rushing about sometimes gets the writing ideas flowing too :)
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