Last month one of my closest friends came back into town to celebrate her birthday. She chose a small group of us to celebrate with and she did all the party planning. It was perfect!
Until I heard what was planned.
We were all going to a local zip lining obstacle course.
Yeah! Kind of.
I'm not necessarily afraid of heights. I just have enough sense not to climb 40 feet up supported only by a couple ropes and shoulder harness. And, remember, all obstacles are also 40 feet up in the air.
After the initial fear though I really enjoyed it. There were a couple obstacles where I had legitimate fear and had to talk myself through it. But I would definitely go back again and I felt a real sense of accomplishment when I was done.
While I was up climbing through the trees, it occurred to me this is why recovery programs have a physical challenge aspect to them. To build self confidence.
Duh.
I've written before about Kid 1's struggles with addiction. I've paid for more than one rehab for him. Each time he would tell me about repelling down a high tower or kayaking in the ocean. Although I tried to be supportive, my inner dialogue was always "yeah that's nice. I'm working my ass off to pay for you and you're having fun on vacation."
It built up resentment for sure.
It took being 40 feet up in the air myself, not trusting my support ropes, not believing in myself, and not thinking I was strong enough to do this that I finally realized the kid wasn't on vacation. He was leaning to trust himself and his support system.
Tonight Kid 3 called from Army Boot Camp to tell me he passed his physical fitness tests and he only has one week more to go. This week coming up is what used to be called hell week. Basically it's a week in the woods, little to no sleep, repelling down buildings and all sorts of other physical challenges.
I told him you can do this!
Yes, you'll be tired. Yes you'll be scared. But trust your training and trust in yourself.
As parents, we are constantly balancing when to step in and help our kids and when to let them figure it out for themselves.
When parenting young adults, that balance becomes a little trickier.
When parenting young adults with a history of mental health and substance abuse issues, that balance is like walking a tightrope twenty stories high and constantly pushing the other person off yet at the same time pulling them back on.
I realized today that no matter how old your child is, he is still your child and you never stop advocating for them.
For two weeks now, all through pre-op procedures and appointments with specialists, Kid 1 has been open about his medical issues. All the trained medical professionals assured us it wouldn't be an issue in today's surgery.
At 5am this morning as he met one OR nurse after another, he told them what prescriptions he regularly takes. They all said it's not an issue.
Literally minutes away from being wheeled away into the OR, I said to the anesthesiologist, "you do know he takes a monthly dose of ..."
The anesthesiologist closed my sons chart and told everyone to immediately stop.
As it turns out, there was a contraindication with my sons medication, and one that very easily could have been harmful in surgery.
I am eternally grateful to Sean ( I'm pretty sure that was his name) for listening to us today. For having the knowledge to know when medications are an issue and for forcing a small delay into surgery today so they could come up with a medically safer plan.
I'm not a very churchy person, but I believe God put Sean in that operating room today for my son.
I also know that although I was unsure about speaking up for fear of my young adult child thinking I was taking control or not trusting him to take care of himself, I did the right thing in butting in to the doctors conversation.
Today's surgery may have been routine to them, but not to me or my child.
And no matter how old they get, or how old I get, I'll never stop advocating for my kids.
Begin the final look through of my book before it is published to Kindle.
Write at least one blog post.
Finish parenting article and submit.
Begin writing next yoga article assignment.
What really happened this weekend:
Regular weekend chores.
I got caught up in these online training videos I'm required to do for my job before next weekend's practical training. I knew there were at-home assignments required before next weekend, but I had no idea they would take this long. I've been working on them for hours now and I still have more to do!
Yes, I'm grateful I have a job. Yes I want to keep my job.
But I'm really resentful it is taking up my only two days off!
And even more resentful that I accomplished nothing on my writing list.
Since these videos all have quizzes and final exams attached to them, I pretty much have to give them my mostly undivided attention. So, back to the videos I go now.
IWSG Question: How do you find the time to write in your busy day?
We all know the answer I'm supposed to give here. How do you find time to write? You make the time to write.
Blah blah blah
But the real answer is, often times I don't find/make the time. Many times there legitimately isn't time. And sometimes, well, I'm just too lazy.
That's why a couple hours hiding in the corner of Starbucks typing away is such a joy. Or why I do most of my writing after 10pm when the kids are pretty much settled for the night. With the new school year starting we also have a new dance schedule for kids 4 and 6. I had to rearrange my work schedule a little bit to be able to get them to dance 4 nights per week on time. The plus side to that is I have built two nights into that schedule where I hope to drop them at dance, and then head off to my favorite corner booth and spend the time writing until I have to pick them up again.
That's the plan. How well that plan works out remains to be seen.
Between working, being a single mom and all the other day-to-day drudgery, finding the time to write is a challenge. Making the time to write is a choice.
A choice I really wish I wasn't so often too wore out to make.
This post is a part of the Insecure Writer's Support Group, a monthly meeting of writers who over think, under write and just want people to like them.
Sometimes, often in unexpected moments, music stops you in your tracks and makes you pay attention to life.
Driving home from the doctor this afternoon, Kid 1 was dozing in the passenger seat. He's been pretty sick lately so he and I haven't had much interaction.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing since most of our conversations lately center around me telling him to just grow up and be responsible and him telling me he's an adult now and I need to treat him like one. It's a pretty common issue between mothers and their young adult sons I suppose. But he and I have a history of struggle that makes it a little more frustrating. We aren't currently doing a lot of fighting. Just quite a bit of bickering.
Anyway, today we had just left the doctor where we found out he thankfully didn't have to have surgery. I thought he was asleep when he suddenly popped up and said "oh you need to listen to this song. It makes me think of us."
Ugh, OK. I figure it will be something about two people who don't see eye to eye.
Instead, he played me this:
"House Of Gold"
She asked me, "Son, when I grow old,
Will you buy me a house of gold?
And when your father turns to stone,
Will you take care of me?"
She asked me, "Son, when I grow old,
Will you buy me a house of gold?
And when your father turns to stone,
Will you take care of me?"
I will make you queen of everything you see,
I'll put you on the map,
I'll cure you of disease.
Let's say we up and left this town,
And turned our future upside down.
We'll make pretend that you and me,
Lived ever after happily.
She asked me, "Son, when I grow old,
Will you buy me a house of gold?
And when your father turns to stone,
Will you take care of me?"
I will make you queen of everything you see,
I'll put you on the map,
I'll cure you of disease.
Ohhhh...
And since we know that dreams are dead,
And life turns plans up on their head,
I will plan to be a bum,
So I just might become someone.
She asked me, "Son, when I grow old,
Will you buy me a house of gold?
And when your father turns to stone,
Will you take care of me?"
I will make you queen of everything you see,
I'll put you on the map,
I'll cure you of disease.
As I listened to the words I realized I also needed to be listening between the lines. I've often joked that out of six kids one of them better take care of me when I'm older. And here he is playing me a song about wanting to take care of me so I live happily ever after. A song about knowing times are tough now. But that knowing they will get easier one day.
And this line:
And since we know that dreams are dead,
And life turns plans up on their head,
I will plan to be a bum,
So I just might become someone.
Kid 1 has been working hard lately to be someone. He's not moving forward as fast as he'd hoped, but he's not going backwards anymore either.
For the first time in a very long time, he's looking to the future.
And the future looks bright.
At first when I pulled up the video for this song I thought it was just weird. But when I read a bit deeper, I found this:
Both of the members absolutely love their moms- they talk about this all the time and the song is about that. The upper halves of their bodies were around the house, in the windows, playing to the woman inside, presumably a mother. Their hearts were closer to her. However, their legs were going around, pursuing a music career, or a bigger life outside of the mother. They’re half and half, caught between their mothers and their booming success. It’s an insanely intelligent parallel that I applaud the boys for drawing and making so cleverly articulated.
Now I love the song even more. My Kid 1 / young adult son, who has struggled to become a young adult, is on the verge of leaving me and finding his own way in the world. Of course it's part of our bickering. I want him to go. But I know he's not quite ready.
He wants to go. But he knows he's not quite ready.
He's torn. I'm torn.
But between us there is enough love that I will always be there for him. And he is gaining the maturity to realize he someday wants to take care of me, the way I have always taken care of him.
Funny how a simple pop song can sum up your life. And put an end to some of the bickering.
I was working with a new personal training client today and instead of push up and lunges, we were working on body awareness and spinal alignment. Finally, I got to work in more of a yoga therapy aspect!
I haven't done any yoga therapy type work in way too long and I forgot how excited I get when I'm helping someone doing something like open up their thoracic spine. Most of my clients don't know and don't care where there thoracic region is! And that's perfectly fine. But when you see a client in chronic pain and after just a few simple moves and some deep breathing they are feeling better than they have in a long time, it's so gratifying that it helps me remember why I even got into this line of work in the first place.
So while I'm excitedly working with said client today, we are also of course chatting about work, life, careers, etc. At one point she turned to me and said, "You're an intelligent dog aren't you."
Umm, OK. I guess I'm an intelligent dog.
I'm not sure how calling me a dog, even an intelligent dog, is a compliment, but you're paying me for this session so I'll listen.
Client: And you know what happens to intelligent dogs right?
Me: Ummmm
Client: They get bored and shred their environment. If you leave an intelligent dog home alone it will shred the living room. If you leave an intelligent dog alone in the car it will get bored and shred the car.
At this point I got a very unintelligent look on my face, jaw hanging open, as I completely understood what she is saying.
Of course I'm bored and frustrated in certain areas right now. I'm working below my capacity. And of course I'm starting to take it out on those around me. I'm shredding my environment out of boredom/ frustration/lack of activity.
This makes perfect sense.
Looking back I can see where I shredded my environment in the past in both my career and my life. I've written many times how I tend to self destruct either by lack of action or by lashing out in inappropriate actions.
I've been acting like an intelligent dog.
I'm still soaking in being told I was an intelligent dog today, and all that implies, that I'm not even really sure what to do with that knowledge yet.
